JUST ANOTHER LIAR ON CAPITOL HILL
by Mac MacArthur

"Cockeyed Opti-ma-tist" courtesy the Wizard of Whimsy.

Wednesday, Feb. 28, 2001 – WASHINGTON (APJP) -- As I watched our moron "Resident" address a joint session of Congress -- an unheard-of stunt just to introduce a hastily-assembled lie of a budget -- I had to laugh.

Here was a guy with an IQ of maybe 97 at best standing before the most powerful body of corrupt fools ever assembled (at least 80% of them), urging them to be everything that Democrats have begged them to be for the last century. All that was to be heard was the predictable, puke-inducing rhetoric.

Yet I knew the media mooks would say it was "a marvelous speech" and "proved" that Bush Baby was a "man who could be President." Now, isn't that sad? They helped "elect" the man without being sure, didn't they!

Of course, the kudos were all alike. I was sitting in a television control room in Washington, witnessing the hoots of laughter from the more educated members of the production team and a few journalists who were lighting into most everyone Bush said. One remarked that for a moment he thought he was listening to Bobby Kennedy's stump speech. Another was rolling on the floor when Bush introduced his token Hispanic-American family who just happened to meet him and discuss how much money they would get back from his tax plan: enough to pay their water bill.

Despite the lies you heard -- even from CNN –Bush still walked up to the podium with his palms turned outward like a chimpanzee and still hunched up his shoulders now then like the stereotypical mob hit man adjusting his sharkskin suit. Bush did not mess up any pronunciations, however -- but don't applaud him too soon. The speechwriters made sure there were no "big" words in the speech at all. As a matter of fact, the only six-syllable word he uttered was "REV-O-LU-TION-I-ZING" -- as if he was talking about a new ironing board or something at a product launch.

I wondered what was going through his lightweight mind as he uttered the words he had rehearsed over and over again during the past three weeks. So I sat down, and wrote what I thought he might be thinking -- assuming that he can think.

You'll find his thoughts in capitals throughout the speech he gave last night.

Resident's Address to the Joint Session of Congress

Note to GWB -- DO NOT FORGET:

1. No SMIRKING!

2. No popping your shoulders like a Mafia don!

3. No SMIRKING!

4. Speak slowly and think about what you are saying and its meaning.

5. Check the pronunciation key we have next to words with more than two syllables.

6. Keep looking up and smiling at the First Lady and that dwarf sitting next to her.

7. Pretend you have humility.

8. Do not look at your watch!

9. No SMIRKING!

HILARIOUS ADDRESS OF THE "RESIDENT" TO THE ‘JOINT' SESSION OF OUR LARGELY ‘HONEST' CONGRESS 

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress: It's a great privilege (BESTOWED UPON ME BY MY FATHER) to be here to outline a new budget and a new approach for governing our great country (HEH, HEH -- THEY SHOULD ONLY KNOW). I thank you for your invitation (FOR ALLOWING ME TO STRONG-ARM THE WUSS-BOY SPEAKER AND LET GIVE THIS SPEECH IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET AT LEAST SOME COVERAGE FROM THE GODDAMN MEDIA) to speak here tonight. I know Congress had to formally invite me, and it could have been a close vote (Polite Snickering.) So, Mr. Vice President, I appreciate you being here to break the tie (Laughter.) (HEY! THEY ARE BUYING THIS! I FEEL GREAT!)

I want to thank so many of you who have accepted my invitation to come to the White House to discuss important issues (AS IF THEY WOULDN'T, THOSE SUCKERS). We're off to a good start (DESPITE POWELL'S FAILED MIDDLE EAST TRIP AND THAT NEWS CONFERENCE WHERE I PROVED TO THE WORLD I'M NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER). I will continue to meet with you and ask for your input (SO I CAN CONTINUE TO TRY TO PULL THE WOOL OVER YOUR EYES). You have been kind and candid (SOMETIMES TOO CANDID) and I thank you for making a new President feel welcome (WELL, ACTUALLY, LAURA AND I HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED TO SALLY QUINN'S LITTLE WHOREHOUSE YET) (snickering.).

The last time I visited the Capitol (IS THIS THE CAPITOL OR THE CAPITOL BUILDING? I THOUGHT WASHINGTON, DC WAS THE CAPITOL, BUT I'VE BEEN HERE ALL THE TIME -- HAVE TO MAKE A NOTE TO ASK LAURA TO FIND OUT ABOUT THAT), I came to take an oath on the steps of this building. I pledged to honor our Constitution and laws (Rolling eyes.) And I asked you to join me in setting a tone of civility (STUPIDITY, NAIVETÉ, ARROGANCE, AND CROOKEDNESS) and respect in Washington (YEAH, LIKE WHEN I ALMOST WENT TO JAIL FOR SELLING COKE, AND WHEN I WAS ARRESTING FOR DRUNK DRIVING WHERE I COULD HAVE KILLED A FEW PEOPLE, LIKE WHEN I GOT THOSE GIRLS PREGNANT, LIKE WHEN MY DADDY FIXED THAT JUDGE, LIKE WHEN I SERVED THE COMMUNITY INSTEAD OF GOING TO JAIL AND WHEN THE STORY BROKE I TOOK THAT PICTURE OF ME DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE OFF MY WEB SITE AND BURNED IT) (Applause.) 

I hope America is noticing the difference, because we're making progress (YEAH, THEY'RE NOTICING NOTHING EXCEPT MY BOSS ALAN GREENSPAN AND THAT NEWS HOG BILL CLINTON). Together, we are changing the tone in the Nation's Capital (WE HAVE TURNED IT INTO A CIRCUS -- THREE RINGS OF MORONS, ILL-PREPARED STAFF AND GOOFY TEXANS -- ALONG WITH STOCKING THE WHITE HOUSE WITH JACK DANIELS, RIPPLE AND SEQUINED COWBOY JACKETS). And this spirit of respect and cooperation is vital, because, in the end, we will be judged not only by what we say or how we say it, we will be judged by what we're able to accomplish (YEAH! LIKE DON'T DO AS I DO, DO AS I SAY -- YEAH, I GET IT!)

(BECAUSE I WAS ELECTED, AND YOU AND THE REST OF THE WORLD PANICKED,) America today is a nation with great challenges, but greater resources (LIKE ME -- NOT!) An artist using statistics as a brush could paint two very different pictures of our country (BOY, WHO WROTE THAT? MARY "MIXED METAPHORS" MATALIN?). One (I MEAN THE FIRST) would have warning signs: increasing layoffs, rising energy prices, too many failing schools, persistent poverty, the stubborn vestiges of racism (WHICH I FED, WATERED AND FERTILIZED ALL DURING MY CAMPAIGN -- ESPECIALLY DURING THAT SPEECH I GAVE FOR BOB JONES "UNIVERSITY!"). Another picture would be full of blessings: a balanced budget, big surpluses, a military that is second to none, a country at peace with its neighbors, technology that is revolutionizing the world, and our greatest strength -- concerned citizens who care for our country and care for each other (IN OTHER WORDS, THE REVITALIZED NATION BILL CLINTON LEFT FOR US TO DESTROY).

Neither picture is complete in and of itself (IN OTHER WORDS, NOW I AM GONNA LIE TO YOU). And tonight I challenge and invite Congress to work with me to use the resources of one picture to repaint the other; to direct the advantages of our time to solve the problems of our people. Some of these resources will come from government. Some, but not all (YEAH, SO ATTENTION ALL YOU "NIGRAS" AND OLD FOLKS WHO NEVER MADE IT: DON'T LOOK TO ME TO HELP YA. HELP YOURSELF, YOU LOSERS -- I LEARNED THAT IN ALL MY 12-STEP PROGRAMS FOR BOOZE AND DRUGS BUT I NEVER THOUGHT THAT CRAP WOULD COME IN HANDY UNTIL NOW).

Year after year in Washington, budget debates seem to come down to an old, tired argument: on one side, those who want more government, regardless of the cost; on the other, those who want less government, regardless of the need. We should leave those arguments to the last century, and chart a different course (THAT'S A WHOPPER -- BUDGET DEBATES DON'T INVOLVE CONGRESS AT ALL, IT'S THE STAFFS OF THE COMMITTEES WHO DO THE WORK -- EVEN I KNOW THAT! THE FACT IS, ACCORDING TO LAURA, THAT GOVERNMENT SPENDS BECAUSE PEOPLE NEED IT. THEY ALSO SPEND SO THEY CAN GET RE-ELECTED. YEAH, THEY SPEND ON THEMSELVES AND THEIR DISTRICTS WITH ONE STUPID GOVERNMENT BAILOUT FOR CORPORATIONS AFTER ANOTHER) (Snickering.)

Government has a role, and an important role. Yet, too much government crowds out initiative and hard work, private charity and the private economy (THEY'LL EAT UP THIS SAME OLD BORING REAGAN CRAP. WHAT THE HELL DOES CHARITY HAVE TO DO WITH IT? AND WHO WANTS TO WORK HARD? I CERTAINLY DON'T AND NEVER HAVE -- WELL, THE CAMPAIGN, THAT WAS HARD. I ACTUALLY HAD TO THINK. ANYWAY, WHAT I MEAN IS THAT CORPORATE AMERICA SHOULD JUST BE ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING THEY WANT AND ONLY IF THEY KILL OR MAIM MORE THAN, WELL, LET'S SAY A MILLION PEOPLE, SHOULD WE STEP IN). Our new governing vision says government should be active, but limited; engaged, but not overbearing. And my budget is based on that philosophy (COOL, HUH?).

It is reasonable, and it is responsible. It meets our obligations, and funds our growing needs (BLAH, BLAH, BLAH -- BOY, I COULD REALLY GO FOR A TACO GRANDE RIGHT NOW). We increase spending next year for Social Security and Medicare, and other entitlement programs, by $81 billion (BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN 103 BILLION WITHOUT MY BUDGET). We've increased spending for discretionary programs by a very responsible 4 percent, above the rate of inflation (DISCRETIONARY MEANS REFURNISHING THE WHITE HOUSE WITH ANTLER FURNITURE, GUNS, A TRAP AND SKEET RANGE AND ONE O' THOSE HUGE MO-FO HOT TUBS FOR CHICKS). My plan pays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt (BECAUSE MOST OF IT IS OWED TO THE GUYS WHO FINANCED MY CAMPAIGN)! And then, when money is still left over, my plan returns it to the people who earned it in the first place (OF COURSE THERE WON'T BE ANY MONEY LEFT OVER) (Bemused Applause.)

A budget's impact is counted in dollars, but measured in lives (MY MOM WROTE THAT LINE, AIN'T SHE SMART?). Excellent schools, quality health care, a secure retirement, a cleaner environment, a stronger defense -- these are all important needs, and we fund them (DEFENSE AGAINST WHAT? I ALWAYS WONDER ABOUT THAT WHEN CHENEY STARTS HIS BULLSHIT LIST OF THREATS TO THE USA. WHY, IF THOSE CHINESE TRY ANYTHING, WE'LL JUST NUKE 'EM). The highest percentage increase in our budget should go to our children's education (NOTICE HOW CAREFULLY I WORDED THAT -- THAT WAS MY IDEA -- the highest percentage increase -- NOW WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS IS THE FEDS ONLY CONTRIBUTE JUST A LITTLE MORE THAN 5% OF THE TOTAL EDUCATIONAL COSTS IN THIS NATION IN THE FIRST PLACE -- SO NOW, I AM GONNA RAISE THAT BY MORE THAN ½ OF 1%!! THAT'S NOTHING!) (Perplexed looks from the audience.) Education is not my top priority -- education is my top priority and, by supporting this budget, you'll make it yours, as well (HUH? FIRST I SAY ITS NOT MY TOP AND THEN I SAY IT IS --- IS THAT A TRICK OR WHAT?)

Reading is the foundation of all learning (YEAH, AND I WISH I COULD). So during the next five years, we triple spending, adding $5 billion to help every child in America learn to read (SO, LET'S SEE . . . THAT'S 60 MILLION AMERICAN CHILDREN TIMES FIVE YEARS DIVIDED INTO $5 BILLION– THAT'S ONLY $16.99 PER KID FOR THE WHOLE FIVE YEARS! GOD ALMIGHTY, I LOVE YOU RUSH, I LOVE YOU FOR THAT IDEA!) Values are important, (AND BY THAT I MEAN MY VALUES ARE IMPORTANT) so we've tripled funding for character education to teach our children not only reading and writing, but right from wrong (…AND RACIAL PROFILING, AND KNEELING TO A CHRISTIAN GOD AND ONLY A CHRISTIAN, AND TEACHING CREATIONISM INSTEAD OF DARWINISM -- WE DIDN'T COME FROM CHIMPS -- NO FREAKIN' WAY). (Cynical applause.)

We've increased funding to train and recruit (MORON REPUBLICAN RIGHT WING RELIGIOUS FANATIC) teachers, because we know a good education starts with a good teacher (LIKE LAURA, MY WONDERFUL BUT FRIGID-LOOKING WIFE). And I have a wonderful partner in this effort. I like teachers so much, I married one (Nauseated applause.) Laura has begun a new effort to recruit Americans to the profession that will shape our future -- teaching. She will travel across America to promote sound teaching practices and early reading skills in our schools and in programs such as Head Start ( -- AND TO GET AWAY FROM ME SO I CAN TRY THAT CIGAR TRICK IN MY OFFICE, TOO).

When it comes to our schools, dollars alone do not always make the difference (THAT'S WHY I PROVIDED SO FEW IN MY BUDGET). Funding is important, and so is reform. So we must tie funding to higher standards and accountability for results (WE MUST SPY ON TEACHERS AND STUDENTS, AND HAVE THE STUDENTS TURN IN THE TEACHERS -- AND THE WAY WE WILL DO THIS IS START WITH MASS TESTING LIKE HITLER DID. THEN WE'LL MOVE TO EUGENICS TO WEED OUT THE MORONS. THEN WE'LL KILL THE JEWS AND THE ASIANS BECAUSE THEY BRING UP THE CURVE AND MAKE US ANGLOS LOOK BAD -- THEY ALWAYS DID THAT AT YALE) (Applause.)

I believe in local control of schools (EVEN THOUGH IT HAS BEEN PROVED, OVER 300 YEARS OF WESTERN HISTORY, THAT LOCAL OFFICIALS ARE THE MOST CORRUPT, THIEVING ELECTED PEOPLE ON EARTH). We should not, and we will not, run public schools from Washington, D.C. (EVEN THOUGH WE SHOULD BECAUSE PEOPLE ELECTED LOCALLY HAVE TOTALLY DESTROYED THE SCHOOLS. WASHINGTON NEVER RAN THEM, BUT WHAT THE HELL? I PROMISED TO GIVE THOSE SCHOOL BOARDS EVEN MORE POWER TO SCREW EVERYTHING UP) (Neo-Nazi applause.) Yet when the federal government spends tax dollars, we must insist on results (LIKE MAKING SURE I GET RE-ELECTED. I MIGHT GIVE THEM FREE REIGN, BUT IF THEY MAKE ME LOOK BAD, THEN I RUN THE DAMN SCHOOLS FROM MY OFFICE MYSELF -- ON MY LUNCH HOUR!) Children should be tested on basic reading and math skills every year between grades three and eight. Measuring is the only way to know whether all our children are learning (JEEZ -- IF THAT WERE TRUE I WOULD BE CLEANING TOILETS.)

And I want to know, because I refuse to leave any child's behind in America (Applause.)

Critics of testing contend it distracts from learning. They talk about teaching to the test. But let's put that logic to the test. If you test a child on basic math and reading skills, and you're teaching to the test, you're teaching math and reading (GOOD GRIEF -- THAT SOUNDS MORONIC TO EVEN ME! WHERE THE HELL DID ROVE GET THAT IDEA? I MEAN, IF YA TEACH TO THE TEST THEN YA MIGHT AS WELL DESIGN THE TEST AROUND WHAT THOSE BRATS ALREADY KNOW SO THEY'LL ALL GET 100!). And that's the whole idea (Applause from two people.) As standards rise, local schools will need more flexibility to meet them. So we must streamline the dozens of federal education programs into five, and let states spend money in those categories as they see fit (ON NEW OFFICE BUILDING FOR THEMSELVES) (Applause.)

Schools will be given a reasonable chance to improve and the support to do so. Yet, if they don't, if they continue to fail, we must give parents and students different options (OR BURN THEM -- MAN, WE'LL HAVE A FIELD DAY BURNIN' DEM SCHOOLS IN TRENT LOTT'S STATE! MISSISSIPPI HAS A 85% ILLITERACY RATE!! THAT FIVE POINTS HIGHER THAN TEXAS!) -- a better public school, a private school, tutoring or a charter school (Applause.) In the end, every child in a bad situation must be given a better choice because, when it comes to our children, failure is simply not an option (Applause.)

Another priority in my budget is to keep the vital promises of Medicare and Social Security, and together we will do so (BESIDES, I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE -- I HAVE TO KEEP THOSE PROMISES UNDER LAW). To meet the health care needs of all America's seniors, we double the Medicare budget over the next 10 years (WHAT A SCAM! INFLATION WOULD TRIPLE THAT BUDGET ANYWAY -- SO I'M SAVIN' 30%!) My budget dedicates $238 billion to Medicare next year alone, enough to fund all current programs and to begin a new prescription drug benefit for low-income seniors (BUT ONLY IF THEY EARN LESS THAN 115 BUCKS A YEAR. AND THEN IT'S YOU -- THE TAXPAYERS -- THAT WILL FOOT THE BILL, NOT THE DRUG COMPANIES, WHO GOUGE US EVERY DAY WHILE THEY PRACTICALLY GIVE AWAY THEIR DRUGS TO THE REST OF THE WORLD) (Applause.) No senior in America should have to choose between buying food and buying prescriptions (SO WE ARE GOING TO FORCE THEM TO CHOOSE DRUGS). (Applause.)

To make sure the retirement savings of America's seniors are not diverted in any other program, my budget protects all $2.6 trillion of the Social Security surplus for Social Security, and for Social Security alone (AS IS ALREADY THE LAW, AND WHICH HAS BEEN FOR NEARLY 30 YEARS). (Applause.)

My budget puts a priority on access to health care, (ACCESS YES, PAYMENT NO!) without telling Americans what doctor they have to see or what coverage they must choose. Many working Americans do not have health care coverage, so we will help them buy their own insurance with refundable tax credits (EQUALLY MAYBE 5% OF THE TOTAL COST WHICH THEY CAN'T AFFORD ANYWAY). (Applause.) And to provide quality care in low-income neighborhoods, over the next five years we will double the number of people served at community health care centers (BECAUSE WE'LL HAVE TO -- THERE WILL BE AT LEAST A 200% INCREASE IN PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO LIVE IN LOW-INCOME NEIGHBORHOODS -- GOTTA KEEP THAT UNDERCLASS!). (Applause.)

And we will address the concerns of those who have health coverage, yet worry their insurance company doesn't care and won't pay. Together this Congress and this President will find common ground to make sure doctors make medical decisions, and patients get the health care they deserve with a patients' bill of rights (NOW, THIS IS THE BEST LINE I ACTUALLY WROTE MYSELF! YA SEE, ALL I SAY HERE IS THAT DOCTORS MAKE MEDICAL DECISIONS -- WELL, THEY ALREADY DO THAT, DON'T THEY? BUT HECK -- THEY AIN'T GONNA MAKE THE FINANCIAL DECISIONS -- NO WAY -- OR MY BIG CONTRIBUTORS WILL FUND HILLARY INSTEAD OF ME IN 2004! SO, YA SEE, I DIDN'T CHANGE A THING, YET IT LOOKS LIKE I DID!). (Applause.) (HA, HA, HA, HA -- THOSE IDIOTS ARE APPLAUDING!)

When it comes to their health, people want to get the medical care they need, not be forced to go to court because they didn't get it. We will ensure access to the courts for those with legitimate claims (THAT'S ANOTHER HOWLER I WROTE -- YOU SEE, IN TEXAS, I PASSED LAWS THAT DON'T ALLOW PEOPLE TO EVEN SUE FOR CARE. I'M GONNA DO THE SAME THING FOR WHOLE COUNTRY, SO WE CAN MAKE SURE THAT THESE LAZY PATIENTS DON'T GET TOO MANY TESTS AND EXPENSIVE SURGERIES -- THOSE DEADBEATS THAT DON'T HAVE BILLIONAIRE DADS LIKE I DO CAN JUST DIE FOR ALL I CARE! NOW -- LISTEN TO THIS NEXT LINE...) But first, let's put in place a strong, independent review so we promote quality health care, not frivolous lawsuits (BECAUSE IT REALLY IS FRIVOLOUS THAT A WOMAN DYING OF BREAST CANCER CAN'T PARTICIPATE IN ANOTHER TREATMENT THAT MIGHT SAVE HER MISERABLE LIFE). (Applause.)

My budget also increases funding for medical research, which gives hope to many (RICH PEOPLE) who struggle with serious disease. Our prayers tonight are with one of your own who is engaged in his own fight against cancer -- a fine representative, and a good man, Congressman Joe Moakley. (Applause.) I can think of no more appropriate tribute to Joe than to have the Congress finish the job of doubling the budget for the National Institutes of Health (THAT'S AN EASY ONE! HEY… I AM GETTING OLDER -- THEY BETTER FIND A CURE FOR DUH-BIL-ATING DISEASE CAUSED BY THE ALCO-HOL-ATISM AND DRUG USE I'VE BEEN DOING MOST OF MY ROTTEN LIFE). (Applause.)

My new Freedom Initiative for Americans with Disabilities funds new technologies, expands opportunities to work, and makes our society more welcoming. For the more than 50 million Americans with disabilities, we need to break down barriers to equality (YEAH, AS IF WE HAVEN'T BEEN WORKING ON THAT FOR THE PAST FIFTY YEARS -- BUT I WILL MAKE IT LOOK LIKE IT WAS MY IDEA EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T BORN YET.) (Applause.)

The budget I propose to you also supports the people who keep our country strong and free, the men and women who serve in the United States military (AND ARE NOT FREE, DO NOT GET DUE PROCESS UNDER THE LAW, AND LIVE AND WORK IN SELF-SEGREGATED CLIQUES). (Applause.) I'm requesting $5.7 billion in increased military pay and benefits, and health care and housing (SO WE WILL BUILD NEW TENT CITIES FOR THEM) Our men and women in uniform give America their best and we owe them our support (Hey -- WHEN I WAS IN THE MILITARY I GAVE THEM NOTHING, BUT THAT WAS JUST ME -- I AM PRIVILEGED). (Applause.)

America's veterans honored their commitment to our country through their military service. I will honor our commitment to them with a million-dollar increase to ensure better access to quality care and faster decisions on benefit claims (Applause.) (I WONDER IF THEY HEARD THE WORD "MILLION" THINKING IT WAS "BILLION" -- EVEN IF I GAVE THEM A BILLION IT WOULDN'T EVEN SCRATCH THE SURFACE IN OUR HORRIBLE VETERANS' HOSPITALS).

My budget will improve our environment by accelerating the cleanup of toxic brownfields (CAUSED BY MY FATHER, MY GRANDFATHER AND ME – WELL, NOT ME SO MUCH, BECAUSE I NEVER FOUND ANY OIL -- JUST SPENT MY INVESTORS' MONEY). And I propose we make a major investment in conservation by fully funding the Land and Water Conservation Fund (Applause.) Our national parks have a special place in our country's life (THEY ARE FULL OF OIL). Our parks are places of great natural beauty and history (AND THEY ARE FULL OF OIL). As good stewards, we must leave them better than we found them (WITH LESS OIL TO SMELL UP THE TREES). So I propose providing $4.9 billion over five years for the upkeep of these national treasures (BY DRILLING THEM SILLY). (Applause.)

And my budget adopts a hopeful new approach to help the poor and the disadvantaged. We must encourage and support the work of charities and faith-based and community groups that offer help and love one person at a time (YEAH -- THEY OFFER FAKE "LOVE" IN EXCHANGE FOR MONEY LIKE THE WHORES THEY ARE!). (Applause.) These groups are working in every neighborhood in America to fight homelessness and addiction and domestic violence; to provide a hot meal or a mentor or a safe haven for our children. Government should welcome these groups to apply for funds, not discriminate against them (ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE FROM MY WIFE'S CHURCH.) (Applause.)

Government cannot be replaced by charities or volunteers (BUT I AM DOING MY DAMNEDEST TO TRY). Government should not fund religious activities (BUT WE ARE, NOW, AIN'T WE -- WE FUND THEIR PROGRAMS SO THEY CAN USE THE MONEY THEY SWIPE OUT OF YOUR POCKET TO PUSH MORE RELIGIOUS FANATICISM DOWN YOUR STUPID THROATS -- SO IN ESSENCE, EVERY TIME WE GIVE THEM TAX MONEY TO FEED YOU POOR-ASS LAZY PEOPLE WE ARE HELPING THE ALL THOSE FILTHY TELEVANGELISTS TO PICK YOUR POCKETS EVEN MORE). (Applause.) But our nation should support the good works of these good people who are helping their neighbors in need (YEAH, SURE -- BUT WITHOUT THE RIGHT WING RELIGIOUS NUT VOTE I WOULD'VE LOST TO GORE -- WELL, ACTUALLY I DID ANYWAY). (Applause.) So I propose allowing all taxpayers, whether they itemize or not, to deduct their charitable contributions (THIS WILL ALLOW PEOPLE WITH HUGE SALARIES AND NO DEDUCTIONS TO MAKE PHONY CONTRIBUTIONS -- LIKE A PICASSO WHICH THEY PAID $100 DOLLARS FOR IN 1930, AND NOW WORTH A WHOPPING $30 MILLION, TO NEVER PAY TAXES AGAIN. THE REST OF YOU POOR WORKING SLOBS DON'T GIVE ANYTHING TO CHARITY ANYWAY -- YOU NEED CHARITY, YOU LOSERS). Estimates show this could encourage as much as $14 billion a year (BOUGHT FOR $14 MILLION) in new charitable giving, money that will save and change lives. (Applause.)

Our budget provides more than $700 million over the next 10 years for a federal compassion capital fund, with a focused and noble mission, to provide a mentor to the more than 100 million children with a parent in prison, and to support other local efforts to fight illiteracy, teen pregnancy, drug addiction and other difficult problems (AND GOD KNOWS WE NEED COMPASSION FOR THOSE CHILDREN BECAUSE IDIOTS LIKE ME HAVE PUT THEIR DADS IN JAIL FOR 50 YEARS BECAUSE THEY WERE SMOKIN' POT. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR JAILING THE FATHERS OF 800,000 CHILDREN IN TEXAS ALONE -- FOR DRUG OFFENSES THAT HARMED NOBODY). (Applause.)

With us tonight is the Mayor of Philadelphia. Please help me welcome Mayor John Street (WHO WOULD SELL HIS SOUL TO SATAN FOR MENTION BY ME IN THIS SPEECH). (Applause.) Mayor Street has encouraged faith-based and community organizations to make a significant difference in Philadelphia (SO HE COULD TAKE MORE MONEY FROM THE TREASURY HIMSELF AND ALSO TAKE CREDIT FROM THOSE BLACK PREACHERS THAT ARE NOTHING MORE THAN THIEVING LIARS PREYING ON OLDER BLACK AMERICAN WOMEN WHO REALLY DO HAVE A NEED FOR GOD IN THEIR LIVES). He's invited me to his city this summer to see compassionate action. I'm personally aware of just how effective the Mayor is. Mayor Street's a Democrat (WHO ACTS LIKE A RELIGIOUSLY INSANE REPUBLICAN). (Applause.) Let the record show, I lost his city, big time (Applause.) But some things are bigger than politics. So I look forward to coming to your city, to see your faith-based programs in action (I SHOULD TELL THEM ABOUT COLIN POWELL'S PROGRAM IN PHILADELPHIA FROM WHICH HE BAILED OUT AND LET THE PROJECT FOR TEENS ROT, WITH NO MORE FUNDING BECAUSE HE AIN'T RAISED A DIME AND SPENT WHAT HE HAD ON HIS BIG OFFICES AND TRAVEL). (Applause.)

As government promotes compassion, it also must promote justice (WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE -- WHILE WE PUT NEGROES IN PRISON AND SHOW COMPASSION TO THEIR KIDS, WE HAVE TO KEEP DOING IT SO THAT THE REVERENDS WILL GET EVEN MORE MONEY AND THEN MAYBE THEY WILL VOTE FOR ME – WHY, THE RNC'S UMPTEENTH COMMITMENT TO BLACKS OVER THE PAST 30 YEARS IS GOOD TOO -- IT LOOKS LIKE WE WANT THEM TO CLEAVE TO US. NOW THAT'S A JOKE THAT DESERVES SOME BIG TIME LAUGHIN'). Too many of our citizens have cause to doubt our nation's justice, when the law points a finger of suspicion at groups, instead of individuals. All our citizens are created equal, and must be treated equally (THAT'S WHY I SOLD MY MINI-MANSION IN HOUSTON COMPLETE WITH A "NO-NIGRAS" CLAUSE IN THE DEED). (Applause.)

Earlier today, I asked John Ashcroft, the Attorney General, to develop specific recommendations to end racial profiling (AND RIGHT NOW HE IS UP IN HIS OFFICE LOOKING AT PROFILES AND SILHOUETTES OF BLACKS, MEXICANS, RICH WHITE WOMEN IN LUXURY CARS AND OTHERS WHO HAVE BEEN PROFILED IN NEW JERSEY UNDER THE TUTELAGE OF OUR NEW E.P.A. GAL, FORMER GOVERNOR [NEXT STOP POLITICAL OBLIVION] CHRISTIE WHITMAN --- HEY, AIN'T CHRISTY THE NAME OF HUGH HEFNER'S DAUGHTER TOO?). It's wrong and we will end it in America (EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NO WAY TO PROVE THAT WE WILL NEVER HAVE DONE IT ANYWAY, SO IT'S AN EMPTY PROMISE). (Applause.) In so doing, we will not hinder the work of our nation's brave police officers. They protect us every day -- often at great risk (WELL, THAT'S A LIE -- VERY FEW POLICE ARE EVER HARMED IN THE LINE OF DUTY -- IF ANYTHING, IT'S FIREMEN WHO DIE LIKE FISH EVERY DAY --- I WANTED TO BE A FIREMAN, DID YOU KNOW DAT… I MEAN THAT?). (Applause.) But by stopping the abuses of a few, we will add to the public confidence our police officers earn and deserve (SO A FEW OTHERS CAN ABUSE MINORITIES AND RICH WOMEN). (Applause.)

My budget has funded a responsible increase in our ongoing operations. It has funded our nation's important priorities. It has protected Social Security and Medicare. And our surpluses are big enough that there is still money left over (ALL LIES! HA, HA, HA , THEY'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING! AND THEY THINK I'M STUPID!).

Many of you have talked about the need to pay down our national debt (YEAH, AS IF PEOPLE STAND AROUND THE MARKET AND TALK IN THE AISLES ABOUT THE NEED TO PAY DOWN THIS NATIONAL DEBT – BUT DEBT TO WHOM? THE RICH! THEY DON'T WANT IT PAID DOWN -- THEY LOVE THAT TAX-FREE INTEREST). I listened, and I agree (NO, I DO NOT!). (Applause.) We owe it to our children and grandchildren (WHO WILL INHERIT THOSE HUGE GOVERNMENT BOND PORTFOLIOS THAT DADDY'S AND GRANDDADDY'S HAVE) to act now (AND STOP THIS EFFORT TO KILL A CASH COW), and I hope you will join me to pay down $2 trillion in debt during the next 10 years (WHILE ISSUING BILLIONS AND BILLIONS IN NEW BONDS). (Applause.) At the end of those 10 years, we will have paid down all the debt that is available to retire (SURE… SUCKERS!). (Applause.) That is more debt, repaid more quickly than has ever been repaid by any nation at any time in history (ESPECIALLY BY MEXICO AND COLUMBIA). (Applause.)

We should also prepare for the unexpected, for the uncertainties of the future. We should approach our nation's budget as any prudent family would, with a contingency fund for emergencies or additional spending needs (WHAT DOES PRUDENT MEAN ANYWAY? AND I DID APPROACH THIS BUDGET LIKE A FAMILY BUDGET, I JUST USED THE QUICKEN PROGRAM ON MY IMAC AND DIVIDED THINGS UP EQUALLY -- 86% FOR ME AND MY BUDDIES AND 14% FOR "THE CHILDREN" WE CANNOT "LEAVE BEHIND"). For example, after a strategic review, we may need to increase defense spending (MAY NEED? WHO WROTE THAT? MAY NEED? I HAVE BEEN SAYIN' FOR MORE THAN YEAR THAT WE MUST INCREASE IT -- HOW ELSE AM I GONNA PAY MY DEBTS TO THE DEFENSE CONTRACTORS? WHO WROTE THIS LINE? I WANT HIM FIRED!). We may need to increase spending for our farmers or additional money to reform Medicare (FARMERS? WHAT FARMERS? THERE ARE SO FEW FAMILY FARMS LEFT IN THIS COUNTRY THAT THE CENSUS STOPPED COUNTING THEM TEN YEARS AGO -- THE ONLY "FARMERS" THERE ARE NOW ARE MY BUDDY AND HUGE CONTRIBUTOR DWAYNE ANDREAS AND HIS WACKY KIDS AT ADM CORP – "SUPERMARKET TO CONGRESSIONAL CAMPAIGNS" -- AND MY FRIENDS AT CARGILL). And so, my budget sets aside almost a trillion dollars (FOR ADM AND CARGILL) over 10 years for additional needs. That is one trillion additional reasons you can feel comfortable supporting this budget (, DWAYNE!), (Applause.)

We have increased our budget at a responsible 4 percent. We have funded our (BILL CLINTON'S ) priorities. We paid down all the available debt (OH, NO WE HAVEN'T – BUT THESE SUCKERS WILL BELIEVE IT BECAUSE I SAID IT AND THE MEDIA ISN'T GONNA CALL ME ON IT). We have prepared for contingencies. And we still have money left over (AND YOUR MAMA WEARS ARMY BOOTS).

Yogi Berra (ANOTHER LANGUAGE-MANGLING IMBECILE) once said, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." (Laughter.) Now, we come to a fork (STERLING SILVER COKE SPOON) in the road; we have two choices. Even though (I HAVE LIED TO YOU AND CONVINCED YOU THAT) we have already met our needs, we could spend the money on more and bigger government (SUCH AS INCREASING SOCIAL SECURITY PENSIONS SO OUR GRANDPARENTS DON'T HAVE TO EAT CAT FOOD, OR FUNDING MORE SCHOOLS FOR THE DISADVANTAGED -- NOT JUST BETTER SCHOOLS -- TO AVOID OVERCROWDING). That's the road our nation has traveled in recent years (THAT'S A LIE – BILL CLINTON CUT THE SIZE OF GOVERNMENT, BUT IT'S SOOOO EASY TO SPEW THE CLICHÉ THAT LIBERALS GROW GOVERNMENT, AND THE PRESS WILL LET ME GET AWAY WITH IT).

Last year, government spending shot up 8 percent (THAT'S ALSO A LIE -- ACTUALLY IT "SHOT UP" THE SAME 4% ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION -- AND MR. CLINTON'S BUDGET WAS MUCH, MUCH LOWER -- THE OVERSPENDING REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED CONGRESS SPENT MORE). That's far more than our economy grew, far more than personal income grew, and far more than the rate of inflation (IF YOU BELIEVE MY LIE). If you continue on that road, you will spend the surplus and have to dip into Social Security to pay other bills (OR YOU COULD RAISE TAXES ON THE RICH WHO ARE ALREADY WAY TOO RICH). (Applause.) Unrestrained government spending is a dangerous road to deficits, (JUST ASK MY DAD AND RONNIE REAGAN) so we must take a different path. (Applause.) The other choice is to let the (RICH) American people spend their own money to meet their own needs (FOR MORE STAFF IN THE HOME). (Applause.)

I hope you will join me in standing firmly on the side of the (RICH) people. You see, the growing surplus exists because taxes (ON THE RICH) are too high and government (GIVES THE ILLUSION THAT IT) is charging more than it needs. The (RICH) people of America (CLAIM THEY) have been overcharged, (BUT IN REALITY THEY PAID A LOT OF TAXES BECAUSE THEY MADE SO MUCH MOFO MONEY IN THE LAST TEN YEARS THAT THEY COULD OUTBID THE SULTAN OF BRUNEI ON A NEW 747-300 STRETCH) and, on their behalf, I am here asking for a refund (FOR THE RICH). (Applause.)

Some say my tax plan is too big (AND LET'S FACE IT – IT IS A GIFT TO THE RICH, AND THEY ARE RIGHT, BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT OR THEY WON'T FUND MY NEXT CAMPAIGN WHICH I MUST WIN OR MY DADDY WILL KILL ME). (Applause.) Others say it's too small (LIKE MY PALS AND SUPPORTERS WHO PLAYED "SHRUB-MARINER" ON THE USS GREENEVILLE AND KILLED NINE JAPANESE PEOPLE ON A FISHING BOAT). (Applause.) I respectfully disagree (BECAUSE I AM A MAD MORON) (Laughter.) This plan is just right (WING). (Applause.) I didn't throw darts at the board to come up with a number for tax relief (THE PRESIDENT OF CHASE MANHATTAN BANK DID -- HE'S A DRINKING… ER, I MEAN, POKER BUDDY OF MINE). I didn't take a poll or develop an arbitrary formula that might sound good (WELL, OF COURSE, BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD HAVE VOTED FOR A TAX CUT FOR THE RICH). I (BILL GATES) looked at problems in the Tax Code and calculated the cost to fix them (AFTER REBOOTING HIS PC BECAUSE HIS OPERATING SYSTEM IS SO BUGGY AND UNRELIABLE).

A tax rate of 15 percent is too high for those who earn low wages, so we must lower the rate to 10 percent (WHY NOT? THEY ONLY MAKE ABOUT $1,100 A YEAR ANYWAY). (Applause.) No one should pay more than a third of the money they earn in federal income taxes, so we lowered the top rate to 33 percent (GEE, THAT STILL SEEMS TOO HIGH -- I MEAN IF BILL GATES MAKES, LETS SAY, A BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR PERSONALLY, WHY SHOULD HE HAVE TO PAY 333 MILLION IN TAXES? GEEZ, THAT COULD GIVE EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AN' CHILD IN THE COUNTRY A CARTON OF MILK! ISN'T THAT ASKING TOO MUCH?). (Applause.) 

This reform will be welcome relief for America's small businesses (THAT IS, ANY BUSINESS THAT DOES UNDER ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR IN BUSINESS UNDER FED DEFINITIONS) which often (NEVER) pay taxes at the highest rate. And help for small business means jobs for Americans (OF COURSE, JUST BECAUSE A SMALL BUSINESS GETS A BIG TAX CUT DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE GONNA HIRE MORE WORKERS, DOES IT!). (Applause.) We simplified the Tax Code by reducing the number of tax rates from the current five rates to four lower ones, 10 percent, 15, 25 and 33 percent. In my plan, no one is targeted in or targeted out. Everyone who pays income taxes will get relief (ABOUT $115 A YEAR!). (Applause.)

Our government should not tax, and thereby discourage marriage, so we reduced the marriage penalty (OF COURSE, THE GOVERNMENT NEVER DISCOURAGED MARRIAGE -- IT WAS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY THAT PUT THE HIGHER RATE ON MARRIED PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY EARNED MORE GENERALLY). (Applause.) I want to help families rear and support their children, so we doubled the child credit to $1,000 per child (BETTER NOT TELL 'EM CLINTON TRIED TO RAISE IT TO $3,500.00). (Applause.) It's not fair to tax the same earnings twice -- once when you earn them, and again when you die -- so we must repeal the death tax (Applause.)

These changes add up to significant help. A typical family with two children will save $1,600 a year on their federal income taxes (LIE NO. 27). Now, $1,600 may not sound like a lot to some, but it means a lot to many families: $1,600 buys gas for two cars for an entire year; it pays tuition for a year at a community college; it pays the average family grocery bill for three months. That's real money (IF YOU BELIEVE LIES).

With us tonight representing many American families are Steven and Josefina Ramos (THEY WERE SELECTED TO BE HERE BECAUSE THEY HAVE A SPANISH SURNAME AND JOSEFINA HAD A SPANISH GIVEN NAME -- THEY ARE ALSO FROM THE NORTHEAST -- WHERE I DIDN'T GET ANY VOTES). (Applause.) They are from Pennsylvania. (Applause.) But they could be from any one of your districts (LIKE PALM BEACH, FLORIDA, F'RINSTANCE). Steven is the network administrator for a school district. Josefina is a Spanish teacher at a charter school. And they have a two-year-old daughter.

Steven and Josefina tell me they pay almost $8,000 a year in federal income taxes (NOTICE I DON'T TELL THEM THAT THE RAMOS' EARN NEARLY $100,000.00 A YEAR). My plan will save them more than $2,000. Let me tell you what Steven says: "Two thousand dollars a year means a lot to my family. If we had this money, it would help us reach our goal of paying off our personal debt in two years' time." After that, Steven and Josefina want to start saving for Lianna's college education.

My attitude is, government should never stand in the way of families achieving their dreams (THAT IS WHY GOVERNMENT ALLOWS BANKS TO CHARGE USURIOUS INTEREST AS HIGH AS 25% ON YOUR VISA CARDS FOR THE AVERAGE FAMILY AND LESS THAN 9% A YEAR FOR RICH PEOPLE). (Applause.) And as we debate this issue, always remember, the surplus is not the government's money, the surplus is the people's money (AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, I HAVE A SKI RESORT TO SELL YOU IN THE GOBI DESSERT). (Applause.)

For lower-income families, my tax plan restores basic fairness (BUT GIVES THEM NO MONEY AT ALL). Right now, complicated tax rules punish hard work (SURE, BUT WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT "HARD" WORK -- IS IT HARD TO SIT AT A DESK AND ANSWER A TELEPHONE? I GUESS THAT WORK DOESN'T COUNT!) A waitress supporting two children on $25,000 a year can lose nearly half of every additional dollar she earns above the $25,000. Her overtime, her hardest hours, are taxed at nearly 20 percent. This sends a terrible message: you'll never get ahead.

But America's message must be different. We must honor hard work, never punish it (Applause.) With tax relief, overtime will no longer be over-taxed time for the waitress (Applause.)

People with the smallest incomes will get the highest percentage of reductions. And millions of additional American families will be removed from the income tax rolls entirely (WE WILL REMOVE ALL PEOPLE WHO EARN LESS THAN $800 A YEAR FROM TAXATION). (Applause.)

Tax relief is right and tax relief is urgent. The long economic expansion that began almost 10 years ago is faltering (BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS THAT BIG BUSINESS HAS NO CONFIDENCE IN MY INTELLIGENCE OF CHENEY'S PICKS FOR "MY" CABINET). Lower interest rates will eventually help, but we cannot assume they will do the job all by themselves.

Forty years ago, and then 20 years ago, two Presidents, one Democrat, one Republican, John F. Kennedy (I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM QUOTING KENNEDY -- DIDN'T HE DO MARILYN MONROE IN THE OVAL OFFICE? MAN, I'D LOVE TO MEET JULIA ROBERTS…) and Ronald Reagan, advocated tax cuts to, in President Kennedy's words, get this country moving again. They knew then what we must do now (SOAK THE POOR TO SUBSIDIZE THE RICH). To create economic growth and opportunity, we must (SOAK THE POOR TO SUBSIDIZE THE RICH AS WE) put (A TINY AMOUNT OF) money back into the hands of the people who buy goods and (A HUGE AMOUNT TO THOSE WHO) create (LOW-PAYING) jobs. (Applause.)

We must act quickly (BECAUSE MY SUPPORTERS WANT THEIR PAYBACK NOW). The Chairman of the Federal Reserve (WHOSE WIFE MAKES FUN OF BILL CLINTON EVERY MORNING WITH THAT COKE-FIEND DON IMUS WHILE GREENSPAN IS IN THE BATHTUB) has testified before Congress that tax cuts often come too late to stimulate economic recovery. So I want to work with you to give our economy an important jump-start by making tax relief retroactive. (Applause.)

We must act now because it is the right thing to do (FOR THE RICH). We must also act now because we have other things to do (LIKE ENDING ANY PROGRAM THAT HELPS PAY THE DEBT OUR SOCIETY OWES THE DESCENDENTS OR SLAVES THROUGH AFFIRMATIVE ACTION). We must show courage to confront and resolve tough challenges, to restructure our nation's defenses (STAR WARS! DO I HEAR STAR WARS!) to meet our growing need for energy (DRILLING OFF THE COAST OF FLORIDA, ALASKA, NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, AND OF COURSE -- IN THE GRAND CANYON!), and to reform Medicare and Social Security (SO THE OLD WILL DIE OUT QUICKER MAKING THE BURDEN ON SOCIAL SECURITY LIGHTER – JUST LIKE MY "EU-GEN-A-TICS"-SPOUTING GRANDDADDY PRESCOTT WANTED).

America has a window of opportunity to extend and secure our present peace by promoting a distinctly American internationalism (WHICH IN DICK CHENEY'S BOOK IS "DO IT OUR WAY, OR WE'LL BLOW YOU OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH"). We will work with our allies and friends to be a force for good and a champion of freedom. We will work for free markets, free trade and freedom from oppression (EVEN AS WE DISALLOW THIS FREEDOMS TO MANY IN OUR OWN COUNTRY). Nations making progress toward freedom will find America is their friend (HMMM… WHAT DOES THAT SPEECHWRITER MEAN BY FREE? YOU KNOW, EVEN IN DICTATORSHIPS -- LIKE IN SAUDI ARABIA, KUWAIT, FLORIDA, AND OTHER ALLIES OF OURS -- PEOPLE ARE MOSTLY FREE TO DO AS THEY WILL). We will promote our values (ALTHOUGH WE SEEM TO HAVE NONE). We will promote the peace (BY MAKING WAR AS WE'VE DONE IN THE RECENT PAST -- STARTING WITH MY DADDY). And we need a strong military to keep the peace.

But our military was shaped to confront the challenges of the past. So I've asked the Secretary of Defense to review America's Armed Forces and prepare to transform them to meet emerging threats (TO THE OFFICERS OF THE LARGEST MILITARY CONTRACTORS IN THE NATION WHO HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH ORDERS FOR UNNECESSARY EQUIPMENT -- LIKE TANKS -- IN THE PAST 8 YEARS). My budget makes a down payment on the research and development that will be required (FOR THE STAR WARS BOONDOGGLE). Yet, in our broader transformation effort, we must put strategy first, then spending (AND LOTS OF IT). Our defense vision (WHICH IS CHOCK-FULL OF UNBELIEVABLY EXPENSIVE FANTASY PORK BARREL PROJECTS AND NEW WEAPONS OF QUESTIONABLE RELIABILITY AND NECESSITY, BUT WHO CARES SO LONG AS WE CAN FATTEN BOEING, GENERAL ELECTRIC, GENERAL MOTORS, GENERAL DYNAMICS, AND ALL THE OTHER SWINE FEEDING AT THE DEFENSE BONANZA TROUGH) will drive our (MASSIVE) defense budget, not the other way around (Applause.)

Our nation also needs a clear strategy to confront the threats of the 21st century (LIKE MY MOTHER AND MY WIFE – GOD FORBID WHEN SHE'S AT THE WHEEL, I'M TELLIN' YA) -- threats that are more widespread and less certain. They range from terrorists who threaten with bombs (LIKE TIM "PATRIOT BABY-KILLER" MCVEIGH) to tyrants in rogue nations (LIKE ME) intent upon developing weapons of mass destruction (THAT'S WHY I AM PLANNING TO DECLARE MARTIAL LAW AND STRIP YOU ALL OF THE LAST VESTIGES OF YOUR CIVIL RIGHTS THE MOMENT WE ARE BOMBED BY TERRORISTS). To protect our own people, our allies and friends, we must develop and we must deploy effective missile defenses (LIKE THE DESTABILIZING STAR WARS SCAM). (Applause.)

And as we transform our military, we can discard Cold War relics (LIKE CONDO-LEEEZZZZA RICE, RUMSFELD, AND THE MILITARY ITSELF), and reduce our own nuclear forces to reflect today's needs (BECAUSE WE ARE ALMOST READY TO LAUNCH A NEW WEAPON WHICH EXPLODES THE RAYS OF THE SUN WHEREVER IT SHINES). (Applause.) A strong America is the world's best hope for peace and freedom (BUT SO IS A STRONG SWITZERLAND OR FRANCE).

Yet the cause of freedom rests on more than our ability to defend ourselves and our allies (IN OTHER WORDS, IT RESTS ON THE ABILITY OF THE RICH TO GET RICHER). Freedom is exported every day (PROGRAMS LIKE "TEMPTATION ISLAND" ON MY PAL RUPERT'S NETWORK CAN BE SEEN ROUND THE WORLD BY SATELLITE – MAN, THAT BLOND CHICK WITH THE CORNROWS IS ONE HOT MAMA… OOPS, BETTER GET MY MIND BACK ON LYING TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE), as we ship goods and products that improve the lives of millions of (RICH LEADERS OF OTHER NATIONS AND) people (WHO CAN BE EASILY PACIFIED BY "TEMPTATION ISLAND," THE XFL AND "SIMPSONS" RERUNS). Free trade brings greater political and personal freedom (FOR THE RICH). Each of the previous five Presidents has had the ability to negotiate far-reaching trade agreements (…OKAY, REAGAN LEFT THE NEGOTIATING TO HIS HANDLERS – GUESS I'LL HAVE TO DO THE SAME). Tonight I ask you to give me the strong hand of presidential trade promotion authority (SO I CAN HAND IT OVER TO SUPPLY-SIDE NUTCASES AND "GREED IS GOOD" TYCOONS), and to do so quickly (SO I CAN GIVE ALL MY FRIENDS THE ABILITY TO IMPORT GOODS WITHOUT PAYING TAXES ON THEM). (Applause.)

As we meet tonight, many citizens are struggling with the high cost of energy (MOSTLY BECAUSE OF CROOKED ENERGY COMPANIES IN TEXAS IN WHICH I WAS A STOCKHOLDER). We have a serious energy problem that demands a national energy policy (DRILL NOW! DRILL EVERYWHERE! KILL THE WHALES!). (Applause.) The West is confronting a major energy shortage that has resulted in high prices and uncertainty (THANKS TO BACKROOM MANIPULATION BY MY PALS). I've asked federal agencies to work with California officials to help speed construction of new energy sources (TO POLLUTE THEIR AIR AND MAKE IT EVEN BROWNER THAN HOUSTON'S) and I have direct Vice President Cheney, Commerce Secretary Evans, Energy Secretary Abraham (THREE WHORES FOR THE OIL INDUSTRY) and other senior members in my administration to develop a national energy policy (WHICH WILL GO NOWHERE BECAUSE IT WILL BE SO BLATANTLY SKEWED TO THE POLLUTERS). (Applause.)

Our energy demand outstrips our supply (SINCE MY PALS STARTED GIMMICKING THE SUPPLY). We can produce more energy at home while protecting our environment (OR NOT), and we must (NOT). (Applause.) We can produce more electricity to meet demand (AND SPEED GLOBAL WARMING – WHO NEEDS THOSE POLAR ICE CAPS ANYWAY?), and we must. (Applause.) We can promote alternative energy sources (JUST SO LONG AS OLD OIL MONEY CONTROLS THE STOCK) and conservation (OF MY SUPPORTERS' SEVEN-AND-MORE-DIGIT STOCK PORTFOLIOS), and we must. (Applause.) America must become more energy-independent (AND WASTEFUL), and we will. (Applause.) (WELL, WE COULD ALSO SIMPLY DECLARE WAR ON ALL THE OIL-PRODUCING STATES AND WIN OVERNIGHT. THE REASON WE DON'T IS BECAUSE THERE ARE A FEW SUPER-RICH AMERICANS WHO OWN INTERESTS IN ALL THAT MIDDLE-EAST OIL -- LIKE MY DADDY).

Perhaps the biggest test of our foresight and courage will be reforming Medicare and Social Security (STAND UP TO ALL THOSE OLD JEWS IN FLORIDA AND TELL THEM ENOUGH IS ENOUGH). Medicare's finances are strained and its coverage is outdated (IT GIVES TOO MUCH AND GETS NOTHING IN RETURN). Ninety-nine percent of employer-provided health plans offer some form of prescription drug coverage (LIKE A FREE TOOTHBRUSH WITH EVERY PRESCRIPTION PAID IN FULL AT THE HIGHEST PRICE POSSIBLE). Medicare does not. The framework for reform has been developed by Senators Frist (A PHYSICIAN WHO JOINED US ON THE "DARK SIDE") and Breaux (THANK GOD HE'S A DEMOCRAT SELL OUT – BUT THEN, HE'S A SLEAZE-BALL LOU'ZEE'ANAN WHO PICKS UP NEWS GALS AT THE CAPITOL GRILL BY PINNING THEM TO A WALL AT THE BAR… I COULD LEARN A FEW THINGS ABOUT POLITICS AND PICKIN' UP BABES FROM THAT GUY) and Congressman Thomas (WHO THE HELL IS HE? DO I KNOW HIM?), and now is the time to act (ON BEHALF OF MY PALS IN THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY). (Applause.)

Medicare must be modernized (CUT), and we must make sure that every senior on Medicare can choose a health care plan that offers prescription drugs (I AM GOING TO PRIVATIZE MEDICARE – THEY MAY NOT BE ABLE TO AFFORD FOOD, BUT THEY'LL GET THEIR OVERPRICED PILLS). (Applause.)

Seven years from now, the baby boom generation will begin to claim Social Security benefits (WHY DO THEY BOTHER -- IT WON'T EVEN PAY THE ELECTRIC BILLS). Every one in this chamber knows that Social Security is not prepared to fully fund their retirement. And we only have a couple of years to get prepared. Without reform, this country will one day awaken to a stark choice: either a drastic rise in payroll taxes or a radical cut in retirement benefits (THE RADICAL CUT, BY THE WAY, IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL AND AN ILLEGAL TAKING – BUT WHAT DO THEY KNOW?).

There is a better way. This spring I will form a presidential commission to reform Social Security (ON THAT COMMISSION WILL BE WHITE MEN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 20 AND 25, ALL FROM VERY RICH FAMILIES, A BLACK REPUBLICAN OR TWO, A MEXICAN REPUBLICAN, AND SOME RAP STARS). The commission will make its recommendations by next fall (BASED UPON WHAT MY HANDLERS TELL THEM TO RECOMMEND). Reform should be based on these principles: It must preserve the benefits of all current retirees and those nearing retirement (RETIRING IN ONE MONTH). It must return Social Security to sound financial footing (WHILE CUTTING BENEFITS IN HALF AND MAKING THE RETIREMENT AGE 83 YEARS OLD). And it must offer personal savings accounts to younger workers ( ON WALL STREET ) who want them. (AND IT HAD BETTER LINE THE POCKETS OF THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY OR THEY'LL KICK MY ASS.) (Applause.)

Social Security now offers workers a return of less than 2 percent on the money they pay into the system (BECAUSE THE CONGRESS IS ALWAYS STEALING THE MONEY BY LOANING TO THE COUNTRY AT 1%). To save the system, we must increase that by allowing younger workers (ON WALL STREET) to make safe, sound investments that yield a higher rate of return (TO THEM). Ownership, access to wealth and independence should not be the privilege of the few (BUT WHO CAN CHANGE THAT EXCEPT FIDEL CASTRO?). They are the hope of every American, and we must make them the foundation of Social Security (HEH-HEH! "HOPE" IS RIGHT – AS IF THEY HAVE A CHANCE). (Applause.)

By confronting the tough challenge of reform, by being responsible with our budget, we can earn the trust of the American people. And we can add to that trust by enacting fair and balanced election and campaign reforms (WOW! THIS IS THE BEST LIE YET). (Applause.)

The agenda I have set before you tonight is worthy of a great nation. America is a nation at peace, but not a nation at rest. Much has been given to us, and much is expected. Let us agree to bridge old divides. But let us also agree that our goodwill must be dedicated to great goals. Bipartisan is more than minding our matters. It is doing our duty (Applause.)

No one can speak in this Capitol and not be awed by its History (OF SLAVERY, THIEVERY, LAND GRABS, LYING, THUGGERY, MURDER OF NATIVE AMERICANS, MURDER OF PRESIDENTS, MURDER OF MINORITIES, DE FACTO APARTHEID, AND SO, SO MUCH MORE THAT MY FAMILY HAS SUPPORTED). As so many turning points, debates in these chambers have reflected the collected or divided conscience of our country. And when we walk through Statuary Hall and see those men and women of marble (WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE ANYWAY? THEY ALL LOOK DEAD!), we're reminded of their courage and achievement (IN SUPPORTING SLAVERY, THIEVERY, LAND GRABS, LYING, THUGGERY, MURDER OF NATIVE AMERICANS, MURDER OF PRESIDENTS, MURDER OF MINORITIES, DE FACTO APARTHEID, AND SO, SO MUCH MORE).

Yet America's purpose is never found only in statues or history (IT'S FOUND ON WALL STREET AND IN DALLAS HIGH-RISE OIL OFFICES). America's purpose always stands before us (TO RULE THE WORLD AND MAKE THE RICH RICHER). Our generation must show courage in a time of blessing (TO DISENFRANCHISE BLACKS AND SOAK THE MIDDLE CLASS WITH ENERGY COSTS THAT INCREASE FASTER THAN THEIR TAXES WILL BE CUT), as our nation has always shown in times of crisis. And our courage, issue by issue, can gather to greatness and serve (TO MOVE) our country (TOWARD KINDER, GENTLER FASCISM). This is the privilege and responsibility we share (THAT'S A LIE – NO WAY I'M GONNA SHARE PRIVILEGE WITH ANYONE – WE'LL JUST SADDLE THE WORKING CLASS THAT DID THE WORK TO MAKE THE NATION PROSPEROUS AGAIN WITH A LOWER STANDARD OF LIVING). And if we work together, we can prove that public service is noble (FOR A CRACK-HEAD, AWOL, LECHEROUS, ABUSIVE DRUNK LIKE ME).

We all came here for a reason (FOR EXAMPLE, I WON THE ELECTION WITH SIX VOTES – ONE FROM JEB'S SQUEEZE KATHERINE HARRIS AND FIVE FROM THE SUPREME COURT). We all have things we want to accomplish and promises to keep. Juntos podemos -- (WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?) together we can (Applause.) (OH, I GUESS IT MEANT "TOGETHER WE CAN.")

We can make Americans proud of their government (NOW THAT WE HAVE CONTROL OF THE MEDIA – BUT THEY ARE STILL PROUD OF MOST DEMOCRATS -- IT IS US STINKING REPUBLICANS THEY HATE). Together we can share in the credit of making our country more prosperous and generous and just, and earn from our conscience and from our fellow citizens the highest possible praise: Well done, good and faithful servants (I LOVE THAT LINE -- I WROTE IT!).

Thank you all. Good night and God bless (ME, SUCKERS). (Applause.)

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ISSN No. 1523-1690