Guest Editorial
Give Neil A Chance!
By Ed Pell

May 9, 2001 (APJP) -- It is a national disgrace that the United States
got itself voted off the United Nations Human Rights Committee and the
UN Drug Trafficking Committee in the same weekend. Many Americans have
wondered aloud how such a thing could happen. In fact, William Safire in
the New York Times urged us to unleash the Central Intelligence Agency
and let them ferret out which of our allies had failed to vote for us in
our hour of national crisis.

Of course, given the CIA's track record, less rabid citizens feel that
they may not be quite the answer to a problem involving any foreigners.

What Safire failed to mention in his column was that this detective work
would not be necessary had we actually had an ambassador to the UN at
the time. That ambassador would have been in the room at the time the
votes were taken. Even if he were unable to convince our allies to vote
for us, he could at least have written the turncoats' names down on his
shirt cuff or drawn frowny faces next to their little flags on the
coffee shop placemat. If he had, the administration could be taking
steps today to alienate those particular countries further. Lacking that
detailed knowledge, Bush is now forced to enrage and insult the entire
world, which is much more time-consuming.

A UN ambassador would have been a lot of help, if only we had one. (We
still don't.) It is understandable that Spurious George has not had time
to appoint one, busy as he has been hiding from reporters and lunching
with baseball players.

But an ambassador is needed now, "tout de suite," as the Mexicans say.
We can't just wait to see which rich white guy ponies up the most money
for the post. Dubya needs someone he can trust, and fast. Jeb is tied
up 24 hours a day, seven days a week, trying to rig the 2002 elections
(he just wrestled through a law forbidding the millions of citizens all
around the country still angry about last November from donating money
to whoever his opponent will be).

However, Neil Bush has time on his hands.

So why not make HIM the UN ambassador?

I see several immediate pluses.

For one thing, he owes us all "Big Time," as President Cheney would say.
Taxpayers got soaked for $1 billion dollars for all those unsecured
loans that were never paid back by his pals when he was at Silverado
Savings & Loan. He could be ambassador to the UN for several lifetimes
and still owe us $800 million or so.

Another plus is that with Neil at the UN, his parole officer could keep
tabs on his whereabouts more easily.

So give Neil a chance, I say! He's probably still hurt from all the
times on last November's campaign trail that Twitchy George pointed out
that he had "A" great sister and "A" great brother. You know he would
have stolen a state like the one Jeb did if he'd only had the
opportunity.

Come on! The job needs him, and he needs the job!

The only drawback to the plan I can see is that if Belgium's petty cash
ever goes missing, we'll never be able to convince the rest of the world
that Neil DIDN'T take it.