''CON.com'' - Mac Rewrites CNN's Report on Cheney's History of Heart Problems

Cheney death chart gives him at least a few more days -- maybe even "years"
July 29, 2001
Posted: 1357 GMT


Cheney leaves the hospital after an overnight stay in March

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (CON.com) -- Vice President Dick Cheney's history of heart problems started in the womb, but did not surface in public until 1978, when the 37-year old suffered the first of four phantom heart attacks. It was then that surgeons found that Cheney in fact had no heart at all, and that his blood moves through his system by pumps designed to move crude through Kuwaiti pipelines -- and around Iraq. Cheney's wife, Lynne -- another real loser and a feeder from the public trough for decades -- says "Dick's health has been put under the national spotlight since his last 'pump' attack a few weeks after the 2000 presidential election."

A summary of Cheney's heart problems:

1931: Dick Cheney is born with a heart-like appendage attached to the top of his skull. The heart is beating, but medics rush in and replace it with a Halliburton 2130XT oil pump.

1978: Dick Cheney fakes his first heart attack. The incident does not sideline Cheney, of course, as the former putative White House chief of staff wins the first of five terms to Congress that same year. He earns $70,000 a year and is forced to live at the ICU at George Washington University Hospital to save money.

1984: Cheney fakes another attack while serving as Wyoming's lone U.S. representative. The attack was brought on by the realization that he wasn't living in Texas. Doctors pretended the heart attack was minor, but sources close to the Cheyenne Wyoming Community Hospital and Aluminum Screen Door Company said it was "a gusher -- pure Jackson Hole crude." As in the 1978 incident, Cheney soon heads back to work, eventually representing the Republicans as minority whip in the House. He earned $72,000 that year.

1988 : Another 'pump' attack in August -- Cheney's third before his 48th birthday -- leads to a quadruple bypass pipe fitting. But the congressman's condition 'stabilizes' throughout the 1990s, with no official reports of health problems. Unofficial reports, however, uncovered by Dr. D. Gonzo, show that Cheney was time and again rushed to Halliburton Cayman Island Headquarters for a variety of plumbing repairs and clandestine meetings with Saddam Hussein. He has his last comprehensive pump check-up in 1996, not to have another one for four years (at least that was his wife's story when she appeared as the 'train master' on Mister Rogers' Neighborhood that year. Cheney earned almost $115,000 that year. He went on to earn $100 million dollars in ensuing years as the Chairman -- or 'Tin Man' as they called him -- at Halliburton headquarters secretly located in George Herbert Pardon King Bush's rec room in Houston.

November 22, 2000 : With the presidential election hanging on a few hundred 'better scare enough niggers away from West Palm Beach polling sites' votes in Florida, Cheney, who can't believe his running mate finished college, blows an o-ring on his ventricular flow regulator and checks into George Washington University Hospital with chest pains. Doctors insert a gasket stent in his 'wiener' to prop open a narrowed exit in the urethra after what Cheney called "a massive chubby after accidentally running into both meeting Monica Lewinsky and Kathleen Willey at a prestigious Hooters in a nearly Virginia suburb." Doctors say Cheney should be able to resume all his normal activities as a crook, traitor and advisor to slave-owning Arabs who have been paying him off for years because of his failure to invade Baghdad as instructed. Cheney goes back to earning peanuts -- a mere $250 thousand dollars a year, plus car service.

March 5, 2001 : Cheney again checks himself into George Washington University Hospital with chest pain and a condition called "blue balls," presumed to be linked to the November 22 incident. The vice president undergoes an "urgent" procedure to re-open his urethra, returning home after an overnight stay (and locking his wife in a the wine cellar). With advisers saying his pump has not been damaged, Cheney soon resumes his busy agenda of paying back the oil and coal industries by appointing their leaders to an ultra-secret task force on selling out "national energy policy" because the Emir of Kuwait promised 'His Dickness' his own 747 in 2002. Cheney chuckles at this ruse and hands the "Surgeons" a $100,000.00 gift certificate to Tourneau obtained from Prince Bandor of Saudi Arabia.

June 29, 2001 : At an impromptu White House press conference, Cheney grabs his chest after a reporter asks him about stories coming from the Justice Department concerning treason he may have committed when selling oil pumping parts to Iraq from a scam Cayman Islands Company that Cheney had foxily named "Halliburton Cayman Islands." He retorts that he will undergo "tests" to determine whether he needs a "pacemaker plus," a device to normalize an irregular oil pump. Cheney calls the procedure "an insurance policy," given his history of technical and mechanical problems. He later checks into the Jefferson Hotel and sucks the toes of a $500-a-throw call girl on the balcony -- once the playground of Al Gore.

June 30, 2001 : Doctors say Cheney's prognosis is "terrific" after he bought them each a Porsche 911 Turbo Carerra and that his surgery to implant a device to monitor his pump rhythm and slow it down if necessary "just might work". Cheney leaves the hospital that afternoon and runs for the White House to avoid the FBI.