American Politics Journal

Great Balls of Fire!
Patriots are white, baseball hitters see red, firemen are blue
By Bryan Zepp Jamieson

Oct. 26, 2001 -- MT. SHASTA, CA (APJP) -- On a day when Donald Rumsfeld rapidly reversed himself and is now claiming that yes, we actually do have a rationale for bombing Afghanis, and that is because we believe we can get bin Laden, four Miami/Dade County firefighters were acquitted in a department review of charges that they had refused direct orders to fly a flag on their truck.

We really, really believe we can get bin Laden by bombing innocent Afghans. Rumsfeld wouldn't lie about something like that. Naturally, America wouldn't murder a bunch of innocent people if they didn't have a good reason. And "getting bin Laden" is as good a reason as any, right? So just forget all that stuff that Rumsfeld said yesterday about how the bombing isn't going to get us bin Laden. He was speaking without proper clearance from the Department of Newspeak.

Firefighters. Right. You all heard the story, no doubt. Three firefighters, all black, refused to ride in a fire truck that was adorned with flags. By the time the right wing gossip machine was done with the story, the three firefighters had refused direct orders to have the flags on the trucks in a patriotic parade, and had forcibly ripped the flags from the truck.

Oh, the horror!

Well, here's what actually happened, as reported by AP:

According to the report, shift supervisor Lt.
Michael Simon noticed [James] Moore on Sept.
15 removing a flag from the truck he drives.
The supervisor told Moore the flag looked
good and that he should leave it, but didn't
directly order Moore not to remove the flag,
the report said.
A few days later, Simon and Capt. Philip
DiMaria met with Moore and [Terry] Williams,
who initially said their beliefs would not
allow them to ride on a truck with a flag,
according to a memo filed by DiMaria. Moore
later said he would comply if the department
ordered flags placed on trucks and uniforms.

Even worse, from the viewpoint of the white bullies who wanted to jam their patriotism down the throats of the firefighters, was the fact that all three fireman, Terry Williams, James Moore and William Clark, expressed distaste for flying the flag, saying it represented subjugation of their race, and that they weren't comfortable with the notion of having to fly it.

So the super-patriotic supervisor did what any empty-headed cardboard warrior who has to deal with uppity blacks would do.

He lied.

He claimed that the firefighters refused a direct order, and had said there was no way they would permit a flag on any truck they rode in, et cetera, et cetera.

The story was an instant sensation among the Dittoheads and Freepers, who seem to have developed a dim-witted notion in the wake of the Twin Towers attack that firemen should be super-patriots like them (looking at the typical Dittohead and/or Freeper, I can only hope that very few firemen are exactly like them, patriotic or not).

It's not clear to me what a fireman's love of country has to do with getting the job done, and I've pretty well decided that if my house should catch fire, I won't stop the firemen and inquire into their habits regarding the pledge of allegiance and saluting the flag before I let them fight the fire.

So the supervisor decided that these uppity firemen refused a direct order to fly the flag -- apparently it never occurred to him that forcing anyone to fly a flag against their will sort of negates the spirit of the thing -- and that they had stated they would not fly the flag on their truck, ever. The rabid right, of course, added a few embellishments, like them burning the flag, spitting on the flag, expressing love for bin Laden, and all the other things super-patriots like to say about people they can't bully in the name of "freedom".

Of course, the firemen did have reservations about having saccharine adoration for the flag, as many black citizens of America do. In fact, quite a few white citizens aren't real keen on flapping the flag wildly in an effort to show their neighbors how patriotic they are. America was forged without the benefit of an official flag, a motto, a pledge, or any of that crap. That all came later, and they all utterly failed to make America better than it was to begin with. In fact, looking at the empty-headed adoration of symbols that has permeated our collective consciousness, I would say it has hurt and weakened the country.

America needs brave firemen a lot more than it needs cardboard patriots.

But Dittoheads and Freepers, having already contemptuously dismissed any notions that blacks have any cause for complaint whatsoever, are flabbergasted and outraged that any of them could be so uppity as to bring up an issue that they had already declared "dead and buried." Weren't those Negroes LISTENING? Rush said it was without merit, and that's that for that!

That just upped the ire of the right wingers. How dare those... black people... DISSENT? Dissent is so . . . UN-AMERICAN!

Fortunately, justice (not to mention common sense) prevailed, and we didn't lose three fine fireman to feed the flames of mindless jingoism.

But flag frenzy continues unabated. Now they've announced they will have star-spangled baseballs in the World Series.

Now, if I was a pitcher, I would be grinning a big grin over that. Hitters watch for patterns on the approaching ball to help determine in time if it's a fast ball, a curve, or a knuckler. Changing the pattern on the ball will make rookies out of every hitter in the line up. Just what Randy Johnson needs: an extra advantage.

It might be rotten baseball, but by gawd, it will be LOYAL baseball! As AP reported:

"These baseballs were designed to reflect the
patriotic mood in America since Sept. 11," Howard
Smith, senior vice president for licensing for
Major League Baseball Properties, said Thursday.

Naturally, replicas of the patriotic baseballs will be available for a patriotic profit.

No word on whether throwing a spitball, in addition to being a violation of baseball rules, will now be desecration. Or if fan patriotism can overcome three straight one-hit shutouts.

In the final paragraph of the firefighter story, AP related:

In a television interview, Clark said he had
problems with the flag, saying the country
"still has not said a simple 'I'm sorry' for
enslaving us for 400 years."

Cheer up, Mr. Clark. Oh, it's true: sometimes we aren't worth a damn when it comes to doing the right thing.

But when we do the wrong thing, you can be goddamned sure we'll have only the best patriotic reasons for doing so!