Sunday, December 2, 2001, 3:00 PM EST  -- It's a certainty that the assault on the Bill of Rights and Constitution by "Injustice Minister", voting rights enemy and notorious "Crisco Christian" John Ashcroft -- or, as many progressives and even moderates are now referring to him, Ass-KKKroft -- would have been Item One on the Sunday political pundits' agenda had it not been for the series of bombings in Jerusalem and Haifa over the last day.

And with respect to the latest wave of murder to sweep the Middle East, one pattern was noticeable -- the very worst mouthpieces for the creeping right-wing movement within and outside of Israel were all too eager to pin the exclusive blame on Palestinian Authority top dog Yassir Arafat, as if September 11th had not happened, as if Osama bin Laden had not made it clear he intends to glom onto the Palestinian issue, as if Hamas is not acting as a surrogate for Al Qaeda and not trying to cause all-out war between Israel and the Palestinian Authority.  Of course Arafat is no angel and looks at the least to be tolerating the worst kind of homicidal behavior  -- but let's face reality: he is the most "moderate" of the big players in Palestine, he has everything to gain with a comprehensive peace deal, and he may himself now be a potential target of bin Laden's destructive designs (a fact which the pack press simply refuses to report). 

Bottom line: it's high time both Arafat and Israeli Prime Minister Sharon -- no Mr. Clean himself -- to grow up and work together.

We also noted that some pundits are trying to raise a stink about a so-called "memo" drafted by James Carville concerning strategy for the coming mid-term elections -- as if the "war on terrorism" means that it's illegal for Democrats to engage in politics but it's just fine for Republicans to campaign 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on cable and network news shows.

Here's a run-down of this week's let-downs.

FAUX News Scum Day
Ass-KKKroft Gets a Free Ride

It's been a while, so we couldn't resist tuning in FAUX News Sunday -- especially for a lengthy gander at Injustice Minister Ass-KKKroft.  Tony Snow was away, so Brit "Mister Warmth" Hume was host, and the first segment was an update from FAUX war correspondent Geraldo Rivera in Afghanistan -- who, much to our surprise, gave the most informative two-minute capsule report of events in Bonn and Kandahar we've seen yet.  Hume did NOT look comfortable at all letting Geraldo say so much so quickly and so well -- in fact, ol' Brit looked a little huffy.  You wouldn't be jealous of real journalistic talent now, would you, Brit?  At the beginning and end of the segment, Rivera had that "cat that ate the canary" look we've seen so many times when he knows he's making someone (in this case, Brit) really uncomfortable.  It used to be the conservative guests on Rivera Live -- now it's his "esteemed journalistic colleagues" at FAUX.

Rivera is about the closest thing to a journalist FAUX News has -- and our sources tell us that more than a few FAUX staffers are furious over his hiring.

Good, we say!

We'll skip the segment that followed, in which Brit went over war strategy and Osama bin Laden's possible whereabouts with some retired general (who reminded us a little bit of ultra-hawk Gen. Curtis "Bomb 'em All" LeMay) in what Brit grandiosely referred to as the FAUX News "map room".  CNN need not worry -- the cramped little cubby-hole FAUX has thrown together doesn't exactly scream "pulling out all the stops".  The segment lacked political red meat, consisting of more boring speculation -- and a healthy helping of the FAUX News team practically begging our Bogus POTUS to order up more heavy bombing so as to guarantee boffo ratings for cable news.

Brit began the segment with "Jesus John" Ass-KKKroft by running off at the mouth about some phonied-up "poll numbers" that "prove" Americans support holding suspects incommunicado and the trashing of the Constitution.  Before letting the crocodile-smiling Ashcroft answer anything, Brit cast Sen. Pat Leahy (D-VT) as a "bad guy" trying to ruin Ashcroft's steamrolling of the Constitution.  Ashcroft weasel-worded his first answer, declaring many of those being held as guilty (without a trial), "citing" the need to trash privacy in prisoner-lawyer communication, and claiming that prisoners use their lawyers to direct terrorist operations.  Then  the religiously demented crook LIED when he said this does not "infringe on the rights of people".  Hume gave Ashcroft the cue to respond to Leahy's on-target assertion that Congress must have a say in the situation by claiming America has done this sort of thing every time there has been an attack.

Bullshit, Ashcroft!  There has been NO formal declaration of war -- by the Smirking Pretender, by Congress, by anyone.  There's been a lot of bombing in Afghanistan -- fully justified -- but you and your authoritarian pals are trashing the Bill of Rights without having even gone through the process of declaring a de facto war.

Ashcroft kept saying that the "president" needs "that tool in his hands" -- special powers.  Well, doesn't Congress have a say, John?  Ashcroft claimed that FDR did it, even mentioning German spies sent on a sub and subsequently put before a military tribunal -- but FORGOT that that was a military-on-military attack, and that one of the "spies" found guilty turned out to be working for us -- you call THAT due process, John?

Ashcroft also invoked the specter of what had happened in Israel overnight, a cheap scare tactic used to prop up his thin argument that stripping of rights somehow defeats terrorism.  Ashcroft claimed he was and "observ[ing]" the Constitution.  Yeah -- the same way you "observe" a test animal in a scientific experiment.

Ashcroft seemed to be already claiming some kind of victory over terrorism -- until Hume brought up anthrax letters.  And the hemming and hawing commenced.  All Ashcroft could say about HIS failed investigation is that they "suspect" one person was behind it but there's quite a way to go.  Hume asked if Ashcroft thought a foreign terrorist; Ashcroft said there is no indication that would definitively pin it on a foreigner.

Unfortunately, Hume wussed out on pressing Ashcroft.  There is strong evidence that a neo-fascist American did this, possibly even one with ties to the militant anti-abortion movement.  And Ashcroft has done nothing since his "anointment" as Attorney General but send signals to the religious right that he wants to use his position to attack the women's health movement -- and someone may be taking advantage of that fact.

Ashcroft and Hume turned their attention to the borders, allowing Ashcroft to blather at length about slamming the doors shut to immigrants as well as the problem of inspecting vehicles coming into the country.

Throughout the segment, the arguments Ashcroft spouted were inevitably the same ones that he and Team George had been yammering all week.  He failed to tie them into a coherent and convincing case for trashing people's rights.

We tuned out when Hume welcomed Israel's failed ex-prime minister, Bibi "Blame Arafat for my acne!" Netanyahu.  It was the predictable litany of Yassir-bashing.  Yeah, Bibi, you need not remind us that he's no angel and never has been -- but frankly, neither are you.  You're a shill for the current and corrupt Prime Minister, who helped engineer the current bloodbath by provoking militant anti-Israeli terrorists by visiting the Temple Mount last year.  Barak may not have been perfect, but he didn't see his nation attacked as blatantly as it has been of late.

Before the panel segment, Hume bashed activist Rev. Al Sharpton for comments made at a "State of the Black Nation" conference in Atlanta and then parroted the laughable Matt Drudge's promotion of a forthcoming book by disgruntled CBS conservative staffer Bernard Goldberg -- a book whose assertions are being challenged by others at CBS and, according to our sources, carefully scrutinized by at least one lawyer for a major player at the network who received a leaked galley.

Panel time!  Fred "The Weasel" Barnes bashed press liberals and "lefty" academics for supporting the Bill of Rights.  Hume and Gigot spun the notion that the Smirk Team is doing their best, but GOPers on the Hill have not come to their defense.

Well, DUUUH!  Most of them represent ultra-conservative types who might get a little tiffed when they learn what Smirk and Ashcroft are REALLY up to: stripping the Constitution of the Bill of Rights.  Times have really changed when Bob Barr is nowhere to be seen on FNS, but is instead over on CBS slamming John Ashcroft!

Juan Williams surprised us with his energetic and assertive slamming of Ashcroft -- he said he opposes military tribunals, prompting Fred to say he supports it.  Fred LIED, saying that Presidents do this sort of thing in wartime (Vietnam? Desert Storm?  I don't think so, Fred); Mara said something about congressional oversight and Ashcroft's pending ass-whipping before the Senate, implying that "oh, they're just going through the motions."

Just like you "go through the motions" of being a fake liberal, Mara.  Leahy means business, and Ashcroft is going to get the flogging his authoritarian butt deserves.

There was a little pap surrounding the economy, and even the Smirk cheerleaders had to admit that the Chimp-in-Chief is on the defensive over his fake economic stimulus package.  Fred said it's the duty of the press to get the facts right (read: it's their duty to parrot Ari Fleischer).

Brit brought up Bibi's comment (from the segment that we skipped) that Arafat has to go (but he's been saying that for years).  Only Juan dared point out that Sharon's a hard-liner; Fred LIED AGAIN, comparing Arafat to Mullah Omar.

The shame is that NOBODY discussed the fact that Al Qaeda's attacks on America emboldened thuggish Palestinian jihadists -- secretive factions that have distanced themselves from Arafat for over a decade, over which Arafat has no control, and who may well decide Arafat himself is a target.

But, hey -- what more can one expect from FAUX's "fair and balanced" right-wing slant?

-- Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

McLaugh-In
It's the Economy Stupid 101

Money, money, money!!  John McLaugh-In and the gang took on the dollars-and-cents cost of the attacks on America and their aftermath -- at both the federal and business levels.  The estimated cost, Sept. 11, 2001 to May 2002: $610 billion.  Year one of "Operation Enduring Vaguery" will cost a trillion bucks -- so when do we crawl out of recession?
Larry Kudlow (John's chief cheerleader for "free market" economics): Soon -- and John's wrong about stocks and 401(k)s which have rebounded already; Russia's our buddy; we need supply-side incentives (what a riot -- everyone knows "supply side economics" are a failure and nowadays a code word for "givebacks to big business").
Eleanor Clift (resident liberal nay-sayer): Larry's wearing rose-colored glasses; the economy is in recession; Smirk gambled on a stupid tax cut; now the misadministration does not want to pay for security!
Tony Blankley (the Beltway's best-dressed conservative, and usually one of the smartest): this is not World Wars One or Two, and the economy will not be driven by manufacturing; Dems will slam Smirk for botching the economy, and James Carville has even put out a memo saying to bash Bush (read: detailing Bush's vulnerability and incompetence); the Dems are ruining the spirit of unity.
Gerald Baker (occasional McLaugh-In straight man from the Financial Times): the economic and political consequences are nothing like WWII; the economy IS in recession; we're facing depressed markets, stimulus is needed, the Fed must do more, and tax cuts are not a good idea.

Tony and Gerald crossed swords over the strength of the economy and tax cuts.  John brought up the specter of -- horrors! -- no Social Security privatization!  O tempora! O mores!  O hand-wringing!  Eleanor said that Smirk will break his prescription drug promise to the elderly.  Larry said the present economic crisis should help the bogus POTUS considerably, and John and Larry ranted about guns vs. butter; Larry said the focus for the next year will be on the "war"; Eleanor thinks the air goes out of that "war on terror" balloon once Osama is taken out, but would not make an early prediction on whether the Dems take back the House next year.  Gerald said if the war is over early, the attention shifts to the economy (notably, Tony tried shouting something about Saddam Hussein -- talk about wag the dog).  John said that he believes the Dems will take the House in '02 -- and may take the White House in '04.

Issue two: send in the clones!  John first played Smirk's religiously crazed claim that life is being "created to be destroyed" -- as if this DOESN'T happen every day with other species in labs across the nation.  John also reminded viewers that the hard-right House has passed a law banning cloning -- but the Senate has not.  What should the policy be?
Larry: "I stand with the president" (we're sick of hearing this lame, lazy line).
Eleanor: Pre-embryonic cells seem to have more rights than a fetus!
Tony: There will be many laws against it -- but we'll have therapeutic cloning anyway in a decade.
Gerald: Ban it.
John (in a surprising comment from an ultra-Catholic): There has to be scientific research, not dogmatism!

Final predictions: How and when will Osama be found?
Larry: Dead, December
Eleanor: Dead, before thermometer hits 0.
Tony: Alive, winter.
Gerry: Dead, in weeks.
John: Dead, in weeks.

Our prediction: barely alive, January, and put on public trial in mid-2002.

-- Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

Defeat the Press
Ginned-up Rummy defends tribunals

Tim Russert gave his usual.  Improperly punctuated.  Introduction to Meet.  The Press.  There would be talk of military tribunals and the end of (gasp!) bipartisanship.

Tim first turned to the ugly news from Israel, getting an update from an NBC correspondent on the multiple attacks in Jerusalem and Haifa; the reporter said that there is a sense that Israelis want revenge, want to eject peace mediator Anthony Zinni (who was today met with catcalls and cries of "Go home!"), and hold Arafat responsible -- even though Hamas has claimed responsibility.

Tim's first guest: Donald Rumsfeld.  Will we now go after Hamas?  Rummy said that's a decision for the president.

We just about lost it laughing!  Y'see, Donald, it's just like professional wrestling: everyone is "in on the joke".  We all know Smirk is incapable of making ANY decisions without Uncle Big Time Dick, Uncle Rove and Uncle Rummy and Auntie Condi telling him exactly what to say and do!

Rummy distanced himself from diplomatic questions when asked about working out differences between Israel and the Palestinians.  Rummy sounded awfully like Bibi Netanyahu when he rattled off the cliché, "They want to drive Israelis into the ocean."

So how many Taliban are still in Afghanistan?   Thousands, said Rummy; he hopes they surrender, and pointed out that the foreign Taliban seem to be the most zealous.  "If they don't surrender, they're gonna be killed.... We will do everything in our power to see to it that [Mullah Omar] does not escape."  Rummy also "made it clear" that the opposition forces are "in charge" of Afghanistan -- but that sounds almost as ridiculous as saying that the Afghan Taliban was in charge when in fact foreign elements were running the show!

Tim then fretted about Osama's ultra-deep cave compounds, using a speculative Times (London) illustration showing everything but the hot tubs and billiards room.  Rummy said that other countries go underground (does he mean Iraq? you can count on it).  Tim said it may take "tunnel rats" to get bin Laden; Rummy said we are entering a "dangerous" phase of the war.  Will we gas 'em out?  Rummy said that "we will do whatever is necessary".

Then Tim pounced -- using an article from the Washington Post to show how caught off guard Rummy was by the force with which the Russians came into Afghanistan.  Rummy said he'd been consulted, and acted as if it was no big deal (yeah, right -- looks like Exxon isn't getting that pipeline after all).  Then Tim asked why we are not asking those nations that have offered to help to help out to do so -- and Rummy gave a rambling and vague answer about coalition nations not being fully prepared.

Once the Taliban is gone, there will be a need for a multinational force, said Tim; Rummy said "not true."  So America should remain hands-off?  Rummy said no, given the need for humanitarian activity -- and he expects more casualties but will be "leaning forward."  So there will be a few months of blood?  Rummy matter-of-factly said, "Oh, I expect more than that."

Did any terrorists escape from Afghanistan by air?  Rummy said the US has not seen any evidence "that even approximates these reports".

As Ass-KKKroft did on FNS, Rummy invoked past presidents as precedent for secret military trials that strip defendants of rights -- and even praised the "open" debate in the press about the controversy, calling it "measured" and "balanced" (in other words, the press is carrying water for Smirk).  Tim asked if the son of convicted terrorist Omar Abdel Rahman, who has been captured by the United Front, is a candidate for military tribunals; Rummy said it's Smirk's decision (see above).  Will they be prisoners of war?  Rummy said there's been some talk about that issue, but "we are not prepared to draw conclusions."  Tim mentioned that European countries are reluctant to extradite because they don't have faith in military tribunals.  Rummy LIED, saying he has no indication that that is the reason (oh, Rummy, but it is -- and European pols have said so).

Tim brought up military trials in China, and Rummy said if there were an onlooker from Mars, they'd see Americans as fair (yeah, sure -- after one look at the "justice" Bill Clinton got, they'd probably declare a quarantine on planet Earth).

There was a little talk about getting inspectors into Iraq, and Rummy said inspectors found little, but defectors spilled the beans.  It is time, he said, for Saddam Hussein to comply with UN mandates.

What a riot!  Suddenly, the unilateralist Smirk Cadre is invoking the "sovereign" UN!  Talk about hypocrisy.

Tim then read a little of Tom Friedman's critique of unneeded missile defense in the Washington Post; Rummy said cruise missiles are a threat to America -- in fact, part of an asymmetrical threat -- and that the US and Russia are cooperating.

Tim then characterized Rummy as "detached" prior to Sept. 11, but now an engaged "Secretary of War".  Rummy tried to look as if he was brushing off a compliment, then gave a lofty answer about rising above the attacks and transforming America (yep -- into a right-wing superpower led by a moronic drunk frat boy who has to be told what to do).

Will the war on terrorism be cut back when Smirk has to fix the economy he so effectively tanked (okay, Tim did not ask it that way, but that's more or less the gist); Rummy said the war will go on.

Tim then played Darrell Hammond's hilarious send-up of Rummy doing a press conference on Saturday Night Live.  Rummy actually seemed flattered.  Tim thought he was doing Rummy a favor by "proving" how popular Rummy's press briefings have become.

He hadn't, though -- Hammond's spot-on take-off of Rummy at the podium captures the zany ultra-right-winger at his most smarmily arrogant.

Tim then welcomed Tom Daschle -- who slammed the attacks by the Smirk Gang on constitutional protections in the current "war".  He did, however, leave the door open to military tribunals -- but only under specific circumstances.  Tim then mentioned the phonied-up pool numbers that "prove" Americans support Idiot George's calls for trashing rights.  Daschle said he's not surprised people are concerned -- but he is still skeptical.

Tim read a Wall Street Journal slam of Daschle for not being bipartisan enough.  Daschle defended the Dems' support for the war against terror thugs -- and turned it on Smirk and company by demanding support for vaccine reserves, a quick-response homeland security framework, and the funding to do it.

Tim then read part of an editorial to the effect that "Dems think the recession is good for them" -- and tried to attack Daschle politically by asking him whether he'd seen a memo written by James Carville.

Hey, Tim -- why didn't you ask any of your GOP guests last year if they'd seen any memos circulated by the GOP ordering them to cast Gore as a "liar"?

Come to think of it, did YOU receive any such memos -- or briefings?

Tim thought that he'd be able to attack Daschle politically again, this time over a fundraising appearance -- and asked if Daschle would cancel such an appearance.  Daschle, to our delight, said he already had (we didn't see Tim's reaction; looks like his "researchers" didn't do their homework) -- then went on the attack himself, saying that the GOP is refusing to spend funds on defending Americans and helping those impacted directly or otherwise by the events of September 11th.  He also said he opposes the acceleration of tax cuts.

Then Tim made a shocking admission -- Smirk has to essentially go through Tom DeLay and Dick Armey to get Congress on his side.

Wow -- this is GUARANTEED to infuriate the neo-Confederate branch of the GOP.

Combine this comment with Tim's no longer seeming so obsessed with President Clinton's trousers -- Is Tim moving to the mushy center?

Daschle gave an emphatic argument for quashing attempts to drill for oil in Alaska, and also said that the cloning issue needs very careful deliberation.

Tim then accused Dems of launching attacks ads against the GOP -- and Daschle gently reminded Tim that the GOP has a record of running massive numbers of attack ads.

Gently, mind you.  In the end, that's Daschle's biggest problem: he's too easy on the pundits and the GOP.  The fact is, Tom can be a fire-breather when he wants to.  Rank-and-file Democrats want to see more of it!

Sure, Tom, it's okay to say that you support His Fraudulence on the war against terrorists, but you'd be even more effective if you try these tactics:

1 -- Say that you support our men and women in uniform, both in the armed services and in local police, fire and emergency services departments.

2 -- Remind people that the war on terrorism is in defense of our open and free society, and the curtailment of civil liberties and de facto shift of trials from the judicial to executive branch is a victory for terrorists and their backers.

3 -- Please, PLEASE go medieval on the Southern hard-right wing of the GOP at every opportunity!  The entire Republican Party is in disarray; their now ex-chairman, Jim "Incompetent" Gilmore, was forced to resign; and people are now realizing that there are more issues out there than Osama.  You can be sure Gilmore's replacement will be a surrogate for Karl Rove.  Kick them while they're down -- kick them hard -- and keep them divided.

 -- Donna Wynner

Donna Wynner is an attorney.  She lives in scenic Fort Lee, New Jersey, just a stone's throw from CNBC.

Dave "Doctor" Gonzo is a media guru, noted producer, and political gadfly who lives in a fortified high-rise residential compound somewhere on Manhattan's Upper East Side.

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