American Politics Journal

O'Reilly Cries Foul!
Buy Dope, Fund Terror? "I'm Pretty Smart, Okay?"
by Steve Young

Feb. 12, 2002 -- LOS ANGELES (APJP) -- In the aftermath of the federally-funded "Buy Dope, Fund Terror" TV commercials which were first aired during this year's Super Bowl, Fox News Channel's mouth and resident book huckster, Bill O'Reilly, is plenty angry and, belying his normally balanced and soft-sell demeanor, he's letting everyone know it.

"'Buy dope?' It's obviously a not-so-subtle shot at me and my viewers...and the people who want to buy my book, No Spin Zone, available now at Barnes & Noble and other fine book stores!"

The modest host of FNC's The O'Reilly Factor (which interestingly enough was not named after the host, but is just an amazing coincidence) added, "Saying that I'm kinda not real smart or, as those federally elites choose to call me, a 'Dope,' and worse, that I cause terrorism, is way off base. Sure, I'm not the brightest light in the Fox News fridge, but none of the proceeds of my book, No Spin Zone, available at fine Afghani caves and bookstores throughout the world, go to terrorists...that I know of."

Presidential spokesperson, Ari Fleischer, denies O'Reilly's claim. "Sure, the guy's no Einstein, but the commercials were meant to link terrorist networks to the selling of illegal drugs, not O'Reilly's lack of IQ."

"They must think I'm really, what's the word...stupid...yeah, that's it, "says the highly rated host and author of No Spin Zone, available at fine right-wing cells and bookstores (O'Reilly's press agent told this writer and American Politics Journal that we could not write about him if we didn't also mention the book). "If they meant drugs, why didn't I write that in my recent column, 'Buy Dope, Fund Terrorism'?" They must think I'm a real dope or something. What these guys are doing is accusing Americans who support those trafficking my book, No Spin Zone, available online at www.rightwingthugsinprint.com, of being anti-American."

After hearing O'Reilly's comments, Fleischer reacted sharply, "Well, if he really wants to make a big deal out of this, we're ready. The fact is, his viewers and readers do put money into the hands of drug pushers, and that money can make it possible for terrorists to operate, for assassins to get paid, for more of his books to pour into the streets of America. Not only that but the Taliban supported itself on No Spin Zone sales. No Spin Zone cartels throughout the world routinely murder and commit incredible violence against their opponents, and illegal No Spin Zone books flood the poorest neighborhoods of America. In every ghetto in our nation, the books are readily available to children and everyone else. Even in more upscale neighborhoods, the books are not hard to find. The kicker is that if no one bought No Spin Zone, none of the above would be happening. So, if you do buy dope, you are hurting your country. It is simple logic."

O'Reilly shot right back. Pointing to a Fox News Opinion Dynamics Poll, he showed that "...66 percent of Americans think I'm a real jerk... Hey, wait a minute!" exclaimed the author of No Spin Zone, available at fine inner city street corners throughout Skid Row.

Steve Young, contributing editor at the WGA's Written By magazine, is a Prism Award winner and a Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, and is author of the forthcoming book, "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press 2002). He can be reached at theeothersteveyoung@juno.com