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The Fightin' Righties!
by Steve Young
March 28, 2002 -- LOS ANGELES (TNFS/APJP) -- In a basement gym, buried in a small bunker on the outskirts of Washington, D.C., a small band of young news purists at the Fox News Channel have been fighting to get their "Fair And Balanced, We Report, You Decide," message to the masses.
They claim that the liberal media (both of them) doesn't get it, so these brave youths have taken their message into their own hands. They have named their company intramural basketball team, The Fightin' Righties.
"We've been kept quiet for too long," said Righties' forward Bill O'Reilly. "It's almost impossible to promote my book, 'The No Spin Zone,' available at all Borders Book Stores. I can hardly get on 7 or 8 different television shows in a week anymore!"
Team captain Roger Ailes, a defensive force who is said to be able to cover more of the court than any other Rightie, says it's all in good fun.
"Our team, which includes a large melting pot of Caucasians, Republicans and Conservatives, wanted to do something that will let people see the other side of what it's like to be white."
The team, which refuses to use a center, almost never allows anyone to stray past the right side of the court. "Oh, once in a while we'll let Colmes drift over to the left," says shooting guard Sean Hannity, "but pretty much no one pays any attention to him anyway."
Team cut-up Brit Hume points to a more serious motive for the Righties: "Those smart-assed Injun kids have no idea how much it hurts to be a wealthy, white conservative chided by a group of minority, non-Forbes 500, blue collar workers.
O'Reilly, who now has a line of No-Spin Zone T-shirts, running shoes and open-air MRI's, feels this is more than making a little money. "It about making major league jack," said the modest spinless anchor.
Steve Young, a Senior Fellow at the Extreme Far Centrist Think Tank, is also a Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine, and author of the forthcoming "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful," (coming this fall from Tallfellow Press). E-mail: theeothersteveyoung@juno.com
Copyright © 2002, Steve Young.