American Politics Journal -- Pundit Pap

Pundit Pap
for Sunday, June 9
Small government conservatives demand bigger government!
by The Pundit Pap Team

June 9, 2002 -- New York/Washington (APJP, updated June 9, 10 PM) -- There is nothing that pleases our staff more than seeing a gaggle of "small government" conservatives suddenly de-cloak a plan for expanding government -- in this case, a whole new department with its own cabinet member.

Thursday night, the Smirk Puppet unveiled his latest "inititatative": the Department of Homeland Security (HSD for short).

What preceded his impromptu speech, complete with staging, podium and a make-up job worthy of a prime-time soap, interesting was the day's lead-up: an impromptu announcement early in the day that His "Subliminable" Grace would be addressing the nation at about the same time that FBI Director Bob Mueller was being sworn in to answer some tough questions about the FBI's mishandling of warning signs that Al Qaeda was plotting a massive attack on America.

And what followed was similarly interesting. The Smirk Junta immediately began pitching the idea to the news media, but many conservative Republicans in Congress -- notably Sen. Richard Shelby (R-AL) -- were immediately calling for rigorous congressional scrutiny.

Could it be that some of them smell blood in the water and are hedging their bets in the highest-stakes Midterm election year in decades?

Here's what we caught:

Meat the Press

Due to some inane tennis match, the geniuses at our local NBC affiliate scheduled Meet the Press at the ungodly hour of 8 in the morning. The idea of having to roll out of bed at that early an hour held no appeal whatsoever -- but duty overrode lack of sleep and we nevertheless dragged ourselves into the media room for an early morning blast of Tim Russert's bash-fest.

When we say that "we do the suffering so you don't have to," we mean it. Meat the press at 8 AM is about as much fun as a spinal tap.

Needless to say, issue one was the HSD (in the preview, we saw a clip of the Trained Chimp making his Wag the Pup speech a couple nights ago).

Guest one: Homeland Security goof-ball Tom Ridge, whose droning voice was almost enough to put up back to sleep. Thankfully, Tim's schoolmarmish delivery kept us semiconscious -- unlike Ridge, who looked as if he were sleepwalking through another interview armed only with his talking points.

Ridge answered Tim's dull questions on the mission of the proposed HSD and why the FBI and CIA are not part of the planned agency -- and why the FBI and CIA would coordinate with another agency if they couldn't get it right before. Ridge said Tim had in essence answered his own question. Tim's question as to who would brief the Shrub was also boring -- Ridge rattled off a bunch of names before Tim asked him why others should be briefing Li'l George and not him (heh-heh, a nice little dig into Ridge).

Tim seemed to be playing the role of "informed skeptic" -- but was putting Ridge on the defensive, unconvincingly playing the role of "boring and unconvincing wonk". Ridge said he is convinced the HSD would get the green light by the end of the year. There followed some dull pap about how the process by which the HSD would be approved.

Where will it be housed? Ridge, in so many words, said he had no idea. Tim said that since the DOT took over transportation security, it's worse (but that is bullshit -- airport security is far tighter than it has ever been, and the disheveled near-minimum-wage workers we encountered prior to last September 11th have been replaced with tougher and more articulate security personnel); how will HSD make homeland security better? All Ridge could do was pitch the need for HSD to be the one-stop source for securing the homeland.

Great -- the Wal-Mart of national security. Problem is, we need Bergdorf Goodman -- focus and excellence beats a top-heavy warehouse any day.

Tim ran the video bite of the Texas Dauphin claiming "thousands of killers are loose in 'Murrica." Tim skeptically asked Ridge to stand and deliver, and all Ridge could do was prattle on at length about what has been learned about "the enemy...a nontraditional enemy...their strategy is different...they are shadow soldiers" (translation: I wish that dunce hadn't said that, because there's no way we can control the situation for now).

Tim said that despite the talk and the "war" in Afghanistan, Al Qaeda is alive and plotting. Ridge said that the US has disrupted Al Qaeda (which only served to remind us that Osama, Mullah Omar, and most of the Al Qaeda leadership is still on the loose). Tim interrupted to say they're still a "viable" organization. Ridge said that even if we get Osama, there will be a successor, and his goal is to secure the homeland.

Is this a race to beat them to exploding a nuclear device in America? Ridge talked about weapons of mass destruction and evil evildoers (translation: weapons of mass destruction are very useful for fearmongering and fooling Americans into surrendering their liberty -- thanks, Tim).

What about these alerts concerning frogmen? Ridge gave a nonspecific answer about a general alert, which was interesting; CNN had reported late last night that there was an alert for possible activity in Puget Sound. Tim said that in March, 25 terrorists disembarked from various ports in the US; Ridge gave another nonspecific answer.

Many, said Tim, think that September 11th is an East Coast phenomenon; isn't the whole country at risk? Ridge said yes, then spoke ominously about (you guessed it) nonspecific threats.

Tim then showed more footage of the Dunce-In-Chief telling FBI and CIA agents to report suspicious activity to their superiors (boy, did THAT ever instill confidence in viewers... "Y'hear that, Martha? They're not doing their job, and that Bush idiot just admitted it to the world!"). Tim essentially called it an acknowledgment of failure (in a rare demonstration of Tim stating the unvarnished and obvious rather than trying to spin); Ridge talked about "visionary transformation" as pictured by FBI boss Bob Mueller. In fact, Ridge gave a big vote of confidence to Mueller (what would impress us is if Mueller made a visionary transformation into early retirement).

Tim then read part of an AP report that showed a pattern of Ridge being out of the loop -- and Jay-zus John Ashcroft having real control of the "color-coded" alert system. Ridge tried to laugh it off by claiming that his Homeland Security team is in charge and calls the colors. (Huh? Doesn't this jerk realize that the color coded system is a national laughingstock?)

Tim then read a litany of criticisms of Ridge, including Biden's withering "more cosmetic than substantive" assessment of his present team -- and then attacked Ridge by saying that his advisory capacity didn't work out. Ridge said the Chimp asked him to devise a national strategy. Tim fired back with the slam of the day, saying that Ridge had opposed a new department -- and that Smirk timed the announcement of a new department to happen the same day that Coleen Rowley testified about FBI failures on the Hill. Ridge actually acknowledged there was an appearance of timing to obliterate the embarrassing testimony, after which he blathered about the new department. Tim pressed Ridge: what about the timing? Ridge gave a weak answer about Congress being in session and "we are at risk...let's go."

Tim then played footage of an interview of Ridge by Tom Brokaw discussing the circumstances under which a commercial plane would be shot down -- and how he would have the authority. Tim said it turned out he never got the authority. Ridge said it will stay with the Secretary of Defense.

Does Ridge want to be HSD Secretary? Ridge gave the expected evasive non-answer, combining "First things first", with the assertion that he's putting the agency together, and he's a confidential advisor so he's not talking.

Would Rudy Giuliani be a good Homeland Security Secretary? Ridge said he'd be good at anything he does.

One thing is certain -- Rudy would abide no shenanigans or turf wars if he were given a Cabinet post, and he's a lot smarter than Ridge or Mueller; unfortunately, he has little respect for the First Amendment and little capacity for tolerating criticism.

Tim then welcomed Mitch Daniels, White House Budget Director, to lie about how Smirk will pay for HSD, and Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND), who immediately slammed His Fraudulence's deficit follies and the idiotic tax givebacks for the rich. Conrad slammed Shrub for stealing from Social Security, and said that in the short term, there was an economic slowdown and the Sept. 11th attacks, but in the long term, Smirk blew it with the unwise tax cuts and underestimation of increasing costs of medical care to the federal government.

After Tim read some ominous numbers from the Concord Coalition, Daniels LIED and said that there would've been a worse deficit if there were no tax cut, citing unspecified economists (yeah, Richard Scaife's bookkeeper). Conrad fired back, explaining that the tax cut hobbles the economy for a decade.

Tim then played Smirk's notorious "trifecta (chuckle)" comment about "no deficit spending unless...", and Mitch Daniels tried his best to boost Smirk's non-thinking. Tim asked Conrad about Democrat plans to tap Social Security -- and Conrad called it a serious mistake, but pointed out as an example that Enron's problems are not the fault of the new bosses, and the current problems with the economy are that fault of bad ideas implemented by Smirk last year -- especially the tax givebacks. So why does Conrad's plan use the Social Security surplus? Conrad repeated the answer slowly so Tim could understand: because the Simian Simpleton has left America with a financial mess, and it's a temporary situation. Conrad went a step further: his budget plan cuts spending to 1966 levels, but a Republican senator (unnamed) is blocking the spending bill.

Tim then turned to another comment by the Concord Coalition slamming the pork-laden Farm Bill (the report quotes political wackos at the Heritage Foundation), then reminded both guests that Smirk signed it into law. The best the laughable Daniels could do was say "It coulda been worse, he coulda passed the House version." Conrad blasted the analysis -- saying that they neglected disaster spending factored into the bill, the trade war with European nations that heavily subsidize agribusiness, and (of course) Smirk's tax givebacks.

After the break, Tim talked about Lieberman's push to limit the tax cut for the rich; Conrad said there's an ocean of red ink, and something must be done. He added his own plan: no additional tax cuts until we're out of deficit; no more stealing from Social Security; get spending under control. Daniels tried calling Conrad as bad as the Republicans for taking money from Social Security.

Talk about hypocrisy! Well, at least Daniels admitted that the GOP loathes a program that makes sure that people who worked hard all their life can retire with some money.

-- JJ Balzer

ABC This Geek!
What a Card

The continuing problem with This Weak is their insistence on wasting time reporting rather than interviewing key Beltway players.

Mind you, there was some good, concise coverage from the likes of Linda Douglass and Terry Moran (much of which carried an undercurrent of skepticism over the sudden unveiling of the HSD plan and some inside dope on a suddenly leaky White House).

But face the facts: we don't watch these shows for stories we can pick up from CNN, BBC World and other cable news outlets.

So we are going to ignore the reportage and focus on the interviews.

Sam was off this weekend, leaving George Stephanopoulos to run the show (a possible sample of things to come). To our surprise, Little Judas actually did a pretty decent job.

Guest one: White House Chief of Staff Andy Card. George talked about new reports of threats against the NY subway system using nerve gas; Card gave a non-answer about "chatter".

George then played a brief clip of Ari Fleischer saying there was no need for a cabinet post; Card had to contradict Ari, saying that the White House coordinates all agencies, and HSD is a "bold move". Card sounded none too secure as he admitted that there have been a large number of changes in the last few weeks, including the re-tasking of the FBI and CIA; he said that the idea of folding the FBI into the HSD was considered and rejected, but sounded none too convincing when he said there will not be a Soviet-style "Interior Ministry". Card also gave a boost to Bob Mueller, saying he'd only been on the job a few days when Sept. 11 happened.

Interestingly, Card called HSD a "customer" of the CIA and FBI, just as the Doofus-in-Chief is. George talked about speculation that personnel are going to be removed from the FBI to fill HSD slots; Card tried to deny it, again unconvincingly.

There was a dustup between George and Card over shuffling people from the Livermore Labs and from the Department of Transportation. Card finally admitted that changes will have to be made and personnel will have to be shuffled. And he did say one thing that should have been said more emphatically early on: old bureaucracies will not be "protected". But Card did not sound as convincing when he had to defend the decision of not including the FAA in HSD plans, and tried to actually boost privatization as has been done in Canada. George fired back, citing traffic controller criticism and asking Card if Smirk plans to privatize; Card deflected back to homeland security and national security.

Hoo-boy -- look at what happened with "privatized" airline "security" before September 11th. Four hijackings, three successful attacks on America.

Is the President willing to take some time off from the ranch to get the HSD job done? Card sounded ridiculous when he said Smirk works from the ranch.

Huh? You mean the day in August when he was told about unspecified threats against America? He sure snapped into action, didn't he.

Where will the HSD be located? Card said that the first thing to be built is the sense of mission (translation: I have no clue where it will be built and we want a secret police, dammit!). The FBI has changed their mission (translation: for now they're the secret police, dammit!).

Should Rudy run the department? Card tried to push not putting the cart before the horse, but did mention Ridge's hard work. (Translation: please, not Rudy -- he'd use the bully pulpit, have Smirk's ear, and undermine his present cadre of handlers!) Card was noticeably uncomfortable with the name Rudy, one that admittedly exudes greater confidence, competence, tenacity and trust than Card's so-called boss.

Following some reportage, Cokie Boggs Roberts surfaced to interview Archbishop Harry Flynn, chairman of the US Conference of Catholic Bishops' Ad Hoc Committee on Sexual Abuse, about the pedophilia scandal that has engulfed the Roman Catholic Church in the US. There was little political content in the interview and a focus on the mountain of lawsuits facing the Catholic Church and the response of the Vatican in Rome -- which was a shame, in that it looks increasingly like the upper echelon of the clergy engaged in a massive cover-up of sexual abuse and should be investigated for racketeering. Flynn spent a lot of time pitching Cokie on the tough stance the Church has been forced to take. Cokie was politely skeptical throughout -- but hardly lifted a finger to criticize the Church.

Naturally, nobody should expect Jaaay-zus John Ashcroft to lift a finger against his allies in trying to strip women of the right to reproductive choice.

The round table was almost interesting this week: the intolerable George Will blustered about more big government; guest panelist Patricia Williams of The Nation fame called HSD desperately needed, but pointed out that the public is more concerned about FBI and CIA lapses and their failure to stop McVeighs and pipe bombers. Michael Dyson of the University of Pennsylvania is completely skeptical that HSD can solve any communications problems and runs the risk of stripping people of civil liberties in the process of figuring out who the good and bad guys are. Williams, responding to more Will bluster, said that the PATRIOT Act may not stand muster in the courts. Dyson skewered anti-big-government GOPers being gung-ho for a huge bureaucracy.

Talk turned to Egyptian President Mubarak's visit to see Smirk -- about the only mention we heard this weekend prior to CNN Late Edition of this very important story; Dyson slammed the Simian Simpleton as Johnny-come-lately and not aggressive enough at engaging the Mideast; Williams called Georgie's demand for no peace talks until there's peace bad circular thinking. Dyson said that there have been huge miscalculations by both sides.

Cokie brought up the right-wing-supported "racial privacy initiative" in California. Williams attacked the idea as using the so-called "stop racial profiling" argument to gut civil rights enforcement. Will likes it, of course, and tried the old Tiger Woods multi-ethnicity dodge, which Williams dismantled deftly.

We tuned out when the disgusting Will began his tiresome final word segment.

-- Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

Face the Nation

How the tide has turned.

Over at ABC, Sam Donaldson seems to have "grown a pair" and has the White House propaganda mill up in arms over his "attack" tactics. FAUX News has actually taken to acknowledging that questions about the Smirk Misadministration's competence are actually being asked -- and may be justified.

And now, even Bob Schieffer -- who has been courteous in his critical questioning of the current gang at 1600 Penn -- is serving up stinging questions. He may have allowed his first guest, the ubiquitous Tom Ridge, a little leeway with the questioning this week, but came across as a genuine skeptic, pressing Ridge on the sudden shift by Team Smirk in calling for an HSD, and even calling on Ridge to correct the impression that the decision was unusually abrupt. Ridge had to admit the decision was secretive ("privately and quietly").

Was there any one thing that caused the turnaround? Ridge said there was a need for a dramatic transformation (translation: a dramatic announcement to draw attention from a day of hearings in which Bob Mueller and Coleen Rowley made Shrubling and his string-pullers look completely incompetent). Ridge pitched Gloria Borger on the brand-spankin'-new "threat assessment center" and said that the White House would be a "customer" of HSD's threat assessment team. Borger wanted details on the process and structure -- but Ridge was not forthcoming.

Schieffer then decided to turn up the heat. He said there was a small group cooking up the HSD -- was Powell consulted? (Translation; how far are the hard-righters going in locking Powell out of smirk's "inner circle"?) Ridge essentially admitted Powell was consulted about only a small number of details that went into the plan -- so he was out of the loop! What about Brent Scowcroft? Ridge bristled -- saying he had "great conversations" with a litany of officials (that were, in effect, out of the loop, which he had to admit when pressed by Schieffer). Borger asked what his largest concern was, and Ridge said there's never been a single apparatus for domestic defense and security.

Schieffer asked Ridge to consider what would have happened if the agency had been in place as of last September 11th. Ridge, oddly, would not commit to the possibility that the attacks could have been averted, instead citing all the support that Prince George has for HSD (odd, but we're hearing criticism from BOTH sides of the aisle).

Schieffer stuck it to Ridge over claims that this new department was mostly shifting of personnel and wouldn't be THAT costly. Ridge chuckled, trying to hide his discomfort as he cited the need for some spending, but again Schieffer did get Ridge to admit it would not be cheap.

Next up: Senators Bob Graham (D-FL) and Dick Shelby (R-AL) . Schieffer expressed his surprise that key cabinet members were not informed of the plan in advance; Graham said the test of whether to go forward with Smirky's proposal is yet to come and warned the White House not to stonewall in language as explicit as "diplomatic" Democrats are willing to use on Sunday TV. And Shelby, while calling the proposal is a step in the right direction, said there is a need for rigorous scrutiny of the new HSD plan, and White House help will be needed (translation: no more spin, Smirk, your handlers had better be straight with us).

Borger asked Graham about the intelligence mess; Graham cited arrogance at the top of the FBI and needs to be reformed along with the establishment of an "analytical" agency (this is very telling: he and others may be pushing to make the FBI more accountable to security than justice, which may not be a good thing. Shelby said there have been instances where law enforcement and intelligence have cooperated well, but clearly there have been failures.

Could the attacks of Sept. 11th have been prevented? Shelby was cautious in not saying "yes", but did put a lot of the pieces that might have stopped attacks into place. Graham said that a significant number of people are coming forward with more clues picked up prior to Sept. 11, and that 85-90 percent of what people need to know about dangers to America can be found in open sources (i.e. on the Internet).

So where is the accountability? Shelby focused on the intelligence community -- and said there must be accountability even if some (read: some in the present misadministration) claim it is name-calling. Graham said that the intelligence community has been slow on big issues, for example, the fall of the Soviet Union and the rise of al Qaeda (echoing an article in this morning's New York Times). He added that there are people who deserve and award for what they did before Sept. 11, and some who should be sanctioned (read: fire their incompetent asses).

Schieffer's final word: the earsplitting previews he saw before Spiderman. He preferred Casablanca -- and said that action films are as carried away with effects as the TV news business was when graphics were introduced.

Hey, Bob -- it seems that news is more carried away with leggy blondes (along the lines of the FAUX News Channel) and providing right-wingers with a free pass to bloviate than in reporting news. How about a final word on that, bub?

-- JJ Balzer

Claptrap-itol Gang
The gang seemed rather subdued today. But what can you say when you're forbidden from speaking evil of the administration, yet there's nothing else left to say?

Out of the chute, the gang (again, mercifully Kate-free) opined on the intense wagon-circling going on in the White House, most recently over the FBI hearings.

They showed a clip from the less-than-riveting testimony of Colleen Rowley before a Senate panel. Rowley sounds exactly like the female sheriff in the movie "Fargo" ("Yaaa, you betcha. Daat's a mighty tasty covered dish ya got dere, Agnes."). And of course, we also got the obligatory videos of Cheney-for-Brains, making no sense whatsoever to somebody somewhere for some reason. Then the festivities began.

The Prince of Darkness led off by focusing on the politics of it all -- namely, how the Dick and Dork squad have been so overly defensive and prickly about any suggestion that they could have prevented this attack. Even Bubbly Bob was amazed at the cynical move by Monkey Boy in announcing his amazingly ill-considered and massively disruptive screw-ball plan for elevating a homeland security "czar" to a cabinet level post coincidentally at the exact moment that some truly damaging testimony was being given on the hill.

Novak stayed true to his anti-government creed by saying that the plan sounded like an expansion of government bureaucracy to him.

Shields then asked Kate's fill-in to comment. I recoiled in horror when I saw that it was none other than "Scary" Gary Bauer, who apparently ventured out in daylight to appear on the panel.

Scary Gary is a black hole in space. He has nothing to contribute to anything or anybody. Why is he on my (or anyone's) TV? I think he should stick to falling backwards off stages while wearing ridiculous hats. I really hope he runs for president again. Don't you?

As usual, he recited a few catch phrases from his handy-dandy index file of conservative myths, this time the "government is bad, it's BAD!" routine. (Unless it's forcing their idea of morality down everyone's throat, of course.)

Margaret Carlson came loaded with the all-important sound bite as well, saying that it's going to take Arthur Anderson to do the accounting for this new "agency", and that it's nothing more than a shell game. Not only that, but the two most important agencies for security, the FBI and CIA, are left out of the plan entirely. She, like most sentient beings, realizes this is a breathtakingly stupid move to make for breathtakingly crass reasons.

Al Hunt seems to be OK with the idea, but is rightfully pissed that it took our fearless leader this long to do something. Al also characterized the knee-jerk appointment of Tom Ridge to be the Grand Poohbah of "Homeland Security" as "insane." That's refreshing. But doesn't he realize this scam is insane, doomed to fail, and practically worthless, except as a means of keeping the heat off the fragile brat in the White House? It sounds like it came to some dope at the White House in a fever dream.

It's yet more rearranging of deck chairs on the Titanic and nothing more. It's maddening to see this administration -- Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, Card, even Jabba the Rove -- so utterly adrift and clueless. They simply can't come up with a single good idea on how to accomplish these impossible goals of keeping the country safe from "evildoers", so instead they waste our time, treasure, and mess without our collective psyche by making increasingly insane proposals in a panicky "don't just stand there, DO something" way.

Judging by the incomprehensible, frightening, and just plain stupid moves they've made so far, I think we'd ALL be much better off if they didn't do anything. Take a rest guys, you've earned it. The country can't stand much more of your "help."

Hunt concluded by saying that this new scheme will just add more government and bureaucracy, and a lot is riding on who they appoint to head this train wreck and how good a job they do in trying to deal with it.

Let's face it, sports fans: the right is just plain screwed. I smell meltdown. They can't govern and yet they still hold to their destructive and anti-democratic belief in government of the corporation, by the corporation, and for the corporation.

They've tried to set Bunnypants up as some tough guy that can be a father figure to the nation and keep us safe. But he's about as successful at being a father as he is being a father (one look at the type of headlines generated by his "Tequila Twins" being more than ample evidence). It's one lie after another after another. The whole "war" is a complete sham, and has been an utter failure so far. Why won't anyone stand up and say it? Osama is still running free. Since the Simian Prince jumped at the chance to hand the surplus to his corporate pals by burning up a few dozen billion dollars worth of military material that they then can replace (at a significant markup), we're MORE likely to be victims of terrorist attack.

What's this "war" accomplished? It looks like a "Caves for Afghanistan" program. I think they were pretty well fixed for caves without us blowing thousands more into their country. The entire thing is a horrid, pitiful scam and a waste of lives, blood, and incredible amounts of money. It's pitching the world into a state of utter instability, and has radicalized millions around the world against America.

And we're supposed to be flush with patriotic pride about THIS? I don't think I could drink enough to make me that mindless.

It's tough when what you see and hear and know has absolutely no relation to what the press and politicians are spewing. What planet are they living on??? The cognitive dissonance is deafening.

[End of rant, we will now resume our normal programming.---]

Mark Shields brought up the fact that this White House is a gaggle of freaking liars and snake oil salesman, pointing out that only recently they were pulling up the gates, being paranoid and hush-hush. They were prickly at the thought that anyone would even suggest that they weren't doing all they could do.

Tricky Dick Cheney was saying it was unpatriotic to even question anything they did or did not do (as if we know the half of it), and yet now they're coming out and acknowledging, in the form of this boneheaded ploy, that something DOES need to be done.

The first thing they could do is 86 Ashcroft. He was twisted before he got there, and 9-11 only made him worse. He's clearly panicked and grasping for anything at all to show he's doing something, even if it's unconstitutional, pointless, and ineffective.

Novak jumped in to change the subject immediately by saying, apropos of nothing, that he'd gotten a lot of e-mail suggesting that Colleen Rowley be made head of the FBI, but, he says, he predicts her career is going to stagnate right now, saying that whistle-blowers rarely get away un-punished.

Well, we can't have that in the Smirk era! Are you nuts? We have to institute even tougher restrictions on anyone speaking out against this administration or any part of it. Anyone that causes the slightest ripple must be quickly marginalized, suppressed, locked up, or attacked. Orwell's 1984 is Smirk Nirvana. Just shut up and be inspired by Big Oh Brother, our Leader for Life.

Hunt then baited Scary Gary by righteously condemning the creep Ashcroft for being such a slimeball. Jesus John was asked THREE times before a committee if he would guarantee that Colleen Rowley will not lose her job for courageously coming forward for the good of the country, and Ashcroft dodged it every time and refused to say that he'd ensure she wouldn't be fired for her efforts. What a fine patriotic Christian man John is. "Let the Eagle Soar" my ass.

I have raccoons in the ravine behind my house with more character and integrity.

Golem Bauer, to his credit, said that Rowley should be guaranteed protection for her courageous actions.

Shields and Hunt commended FBI director Mueller for saying that he would not tolerate any retaliation against Rowley, in sharp contrast to Assho -- ahem,Ashcroft, the unhinged goon. Someone yank him off the stage and give him his own church somewhere where he can preach, handle serpents, speak in tongues, and inflict his twisted worldview on only a small handful of willing dupes.

They then took up the juicy tidbit spilled by Smirk Chief of Staff, Andy Card. I bet he shuffles when he walks. (For the humor impaired, the preceding was a joke.)

It seems Andy told an interviewer that Bush is f***ed now that Karen Hughes is gone. He implies that there's no one to keep Karl Rove in check, and that Rasputin-like Rove is going to keep whispering sweet Nazi nothings in the poor Man-Child's ear and that ain't good.

I just wonder how we're supposed to tell when this happens. Will we notice any difference?

Carlson dissed Rove by saying that while he may be a legend in his own mind, he's now a legend in Card's mind too. She thinks this story is giving Rove too much credit.

I disagree. ANYONE with an I.Q. larger than their hat size and in a position to have the ear of Captain George Rudderless Cretin is potentially dangerous. Hell, if I was in Rove's position, I'd have him issuing orders that from now on, only prime grade beef can be sold, and not for more than $4 a pound. Give me a couple months and I'd have him resigning for the good of the country. (Though I'd convince him it was really all for his benefit. After all, that's the only motivation he's ever had.)

Actually, when you think of it, if Bush resigned for the good of the country, I think I'd lead a drive to put him on Mr. Rushmore as doing more to help this great country than anyone in the last couple centuries. He would have the undying respect of a grateful world. Thousands of parents in third world countries would be naming their kids George or Georgette. (Bush really doesn't cut it as a first name, especially for a girl.) I think he'd even be worthy of having his face on the $2 bill.

Rather than focus on the near meltdown in the White House that the slip by Card suggests, the pundits instead focus on their own gossipy take. They were more amazed by the fact that anyone in the Kremlin-like White House would ever dare speak that candidly. Oh boy! Juicy gossip! Andy Card messed up.

What about discussing what this reveals about the White House staff, the people that are REALLY in charge? What does it say that one of Dim Son's closest and most trusted advisors is scared to death that Herr Rove will take Bush's brain even further to the right? No one seems to have any curiosity there. Only excitement that someone's ass is in the wringer.

Rather sad, isn't it?

Scary Gary managed to get off a gag line (as in retching) when he said that Card doesn't understand that, "-- presidents don't have 79 approval ratings, or 29 percent approval ratings, (make up your mind Gary!) because of the people that are on their staff. Presidents succeed or fail because they have a governing vision for America and they show leadership. This president does have a governing vision. (Only if he licked a poisonous frog, Gary.) I think he's been incredible in the war on terrorism."

I will agree Smirk has been incredible in the "war" on terror. Incredible as in "not credible." Again, what planet are these people on?

Let's see, in the past week, Smush has
pissed off Europe,
mandated a stupid and ill-advised game of musical chairs to supposedly keep us safe from the evil ones,
had a chief of staff in a state of panic over the stranglehold the extreme right wing has over his shallow boss.

What else could he do?

I know what's missing! Some moronic and anti-intellectual, anti-science, know-nothing, anti-reality, anti-environmental, short-sighted, corporate ass-kissing crazy-ass stand against doing anything about global warming!

I guess someone else must have read my mind, because that's just what he did, coming out and stupidly scoffing at a report from his own Environmental Protection Agency to the United Nations stating, "Greenhouse gases are accumulating in earth's atmosphere as a result of human activities, causing global mean surface air temperature and subsurface ocean temperature to rise."

The National Academy of Science has also said that global warming is a real threat to the health of the entire planet. But this callow dunce willfully and stupidly turns a blind eye to this fact, preferring to mortgage our children's and grandchildren's health and well-being for the sake of a few more million in the pocket of his puppet-masters. They'd still make millions upon millions of dollars, but they might have to give up a couple to avoid contaminating the planet or to clean up the damage they've already done. They want it all, and they want it RIGHT NOW.

Our immature and backward-ass leader blew off the report, saying, "I read the report put out by, put about by the bureaucracy. I do not support the Kyoto treaty. The Kyoto treaty would severely damage the United States economy. And I don't accept that."

I won't even try to dissect that goofy statement. But isn't it reassuring to know that the idiot doesn't accept severe damage to the United States economy? The only problem is, his policies so far have done exactly that. I think the majority of Americans won't accept that George. No wonder you're acting panicky.

But thank GOD he didn't start saying, "I understand blah, blah, blah", every 10th word. I swear, I've heard him say that a thousand times. As if we're supposed to be completely satisfied that this moron understands some problem. Not only that, but his minions do the same. Don Evans, Secretary of Commerce, was on C-SPAN's Washington Journal recently and he must have said it a dozen times, until finally, a caller called in and said if she heard him say it again, she'd scream.

First of all, NO ONE, not even Smirk himself, believes for a second that he understands ANY of these things he says he understands. I got news for you, Chimp. When you are asked about issue A, and you instantly start saying, "I underSTAND issue A," there's nobody -- NOBODY -- that thinks for a second that you do. If you DID understand it, you'd obviously have something less idiotic to say about it, now, wouldn't you?

Secondly, even if he DID understand whatever the issue is, what the hell good does it do? We're supposed to just relax and not worry because he "understands" every issue he's asked about? If I go to the emergency room with my leg pointing a way it's not supposed to, I don't know that I'd be too comforted if a doctor looked at it and told me "I underSTAND that your leg is severely broken", and then left the room.

Understanding something is a good first step, George. But even if you get to that point (which you don't) that still doesn't cut it. I mean, I've heard you say dozens of times that you understand leadership. You understand what a leader does.

It must be frustrating to know, yet not be capable of doing it yourself.

It's freaking weird. Just count the number of times you hear Bush or one of his henchmen say "I understand..." or "The president understands...". (Ari the amazing lying press secretary is a good place to start.) Send me your results, and I'll see if we can get a tally.

But back to the enemy of the earth, George W. Bush.

Bauer has his head firmly planted in the sand, or some other similar orifice. He says there's no way they can predict the climate, and that believing that there's global warming is "a leap of faith."

Hmmmm. A chunk of the Arctic ice shelf the size of New Jersey just broke off last week. The ice shelves have been receding at a higher rate than at any time in recorded history. But hey... don't believe your lying eyes, Gary. And what do those egghead scientists know anyway? They all got better grades than you did, and you still resent it. They don't know anything. To hell with them.

This anti-intellectual, anti-science aspect of the right is truly ominous.

Bauer and Novak continued to bash the Kyoto treaty, saying it would cripple the US economy and bring it to it's knees (translation: It would hurt a handful of billionaires a tiny, tiny bit). Novak even spluttered that it's an "anti-capitalist, anti-industrialized country attack by the left."

Hunt brought up the inconvenient fact that proved how idiotic and lame Bob's statement was by saying that Germany and Japan have signed on to the treaty. I guess they're not industrialized countries. Bob didn't reply.

Margaret found another way to shut Bob up. Novak, like most right-wingers, really has no firm principles whatsoever, despite all the hot air they spew. They'll argue one principle one week to get their way, then argue just the opposite the next, as long as it means even the smallest benefit to themselves. So Margaret pointed out to Novakula that one of the principle effects of global warming is increased beach erosion. This got his attention, as he evidently owns a house on the beach somewhere. He paused and then said, "Maybe I'll have to reconsider my position." It would have been funny if it wasn't so telling.

She also made an apt comparison to Puddin'head Geogre's know-nothing dismissal of the serious threat of global warming. She recounted former Interior Secretary James Watt's response when asked what he'd do about global warming. Watt said he'd hand out sunscreen and hats.

It's bad enough that they base their position on nothing at all except greed, but to mock the problem and those that are concerned about it is appalling.

Hunt pointed out that every time there have been environmental safeguards proposed, it's "Chicken Little" time on the right. They squawk that it will ruin the economy, drive industry to other countries, and on and on. Yet every time environmental regulations have passed, it's had no such effect whatsoever.

Novak said he was just glad that we hadn't wrecked the country with environmental protection measures yet.

Hunt asked him if the Clean Air Act wrecked the country.

Sunshine said, "It didn't make it any better" (translation: it didn't make me or any of my friends any richer).

Then, as always, the discussion disintegrated into a food fight as the segment ended.

The second half featured the newly discovered veteran senator from the great state of Iowa. As Iowa is just across the Mississippi river from me, I've known of him for many years. He's always been an amiable dunce. Not dangerous, and only taking ridiculous positions every so often.

Now he's getting much more attention as a sponsor of legislation designed to tighten up existing laws protecting whistle-blowers.

The Gang all had praise for him, and it seems that a star has been born. Margaret got a laugh by saying that she wanted to blow the whistle on Bob.

As I wrote in this space many months ago, it was clear at that time that Grassley had finally hooked up with a media guru, because he went from seldom seen to suddenly appearing several times a day in front of any camera that would have him. Also, someone had taught him how to dress, styled his hair, and gotten him some hip new eyeglass frames.

He's also a key player as the Repugs have targeted Iowa and the Midwest as a key battleground since the Dems are poised to make some real gains there.

I guess old Chuck is finally ready for his close up. We'll see how it goes.

Now, the moment you've all gotten eyestrain to reach -- the Outrages of the Week.

SHIELDS: The Reverends Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, both political active in their home state of Virginia, used their bully pulpits to condemn Democrat Bill Clinton's unacceptable behavior with women.

We will now find out if their moral outrage was partisan. The Republican speaker of the Virginia State Legislature paid $100,000 to settle a sexual harassment charge brought by a 26-year-old woman who said the speaker repeatedly made unwelcome advances upon her.

Senator George Allen (ph) was clear, "Sexual harassment is not acceptable," end quote. No word yet from Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.

[Don't hold your breath, Mark.]

NOVAK: An emergency appropriations bill passed the Senate this week, supposedly to finance the war on terrorism and homeland security. In fact, it was loaded with pet projects by senators from both parties. Senators John McCain and Phil Gramm slowed the process to reveal the pork. That displeased Senate majority whip Harry Reid.

(Clip of Reid: "Do we really care about those people who are dead? That's what this legislation's all about.")

Senator Reid, you know better than to invoke the sacred dead to defend congressional pork.

[Must have been a slow week, eh Bob?]

CARLSON: Mark, this week brings three new examples of the powerful not playing by the rules. Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski was indicted for shipping empty boxes of art rather than pay $1 million in sales taxes. Still, he has a $100 million severance package coming to him.

Another CEO, Sam Wagshaw, was being investigated for tipping off family members and Martha Stewart to dump ImClone stock before bad news came out to the public.

And to avoid $54,000 in taxes, Olympics chair Mitt Romney claimed his $3 million Utah home as his primary residence and then covered it up.

But you can't become governor of Massachusetts, as he would like, if you don't live there.

Sometimes justice prevails.

[But not enough not to keep these people who have profited immensely from this country to continually try to avoid paying anything back. Evidently, they're royalty and shouldn't have to pay taxes like the commoners.]

HUNT: In Iowa this week, President Bush called for permanent repeal of the estate tax, quote, "for the good of American agriculture," end quote. It will certainly help families of rich corporate agricultural executives, about 98 percent of this levy is paid by estates of more than $5 million. But not too long ago, a prominent agricultural economist, looking, couldn't find any real farmers who paid estate taxes, the exemptions are so high.

Repealing the estate tax will hurt, not help, family farmers, just as it would hurt charities. This is nothing but a sop to rich contributors.

[It has always been thus. I don't know how the right managed to put this one over on the country, nor why the Democrats didn't stand up and expose this phony scam.]

That's all from this end, until next time. Over and out.

-- Dash Riprock

JJ Balzer is a former television news producer. He lives in New York City.

Dave "Doctor" Gonzo is a media producer and guru. He lives in fortified, high-rise compound in New York City.

Dash Riprock is a free lance smart-aleck based in Moline, IL. Waddaya thinkin'? Send comments to dashriprockapj@hotmail.com.