So you want to be a President?
THE TEN STEPS! PART I
By a crack political consultant who prefers to remain anenema as told to
David Marsden

July 8, 2002 -- The Sunny Caribbean (asticles.com/APJP)

People often stop me -- especially in major metropolitan airport washrooms -- and say, 'Zeke, wash and dry your hands then try being honest for a moment,' before asking, 'Is it hard to become a President? Because honestly it looks increasingly like anyone can do it.'

And I say, 'Let me share with you what I call for convenience my "10 Steps."'

1. Pick your father very carefully!

Exit poll statistics never lie. They show the fathers of men who go on to become presidents fall into two distinct categories.

(A) Notorious drunks, womanizers, wife-beaters, deadbeats, pedophiles, absconders, closet-queens, bankrupts and/or gamblers with petty-criminal records as long as both your arms.

(B) Ex-ambassadors to the UN or Great Britain, and/or Nazi appeasers and apologists before looming world wars, ex-presidents themselves, ex-CIA heads, ex-whiskey smugglers during Prohibition, ex-Hollywood movie studio bosses (mainly to get additional 24/7 nookie and poonany), or leaders of giant botched world coalitions (the effects of which linger-on for years and may only be resolved by another military intervention costing hundreds of thousands of lives) -- but not, of course, those of the sons and daughters jockeying for a position to be refused the right to be put in harm's way in case one day they want to become president, by selective service board members jockeying for something only presidential fathers can grant.

2. Childhood aberrations

They are tolerated -- nay, even sanctioned! These include, but are not restricted to:

(A) Underage drinking and driving under the influence in the only nation that still insists on an ID for people who are old enough to fight and kill and enter vile, filthy and disgusting adult websites visited regularly by 65% of the adult population including the aging clergy and judiciary, but not buy beer.

(B) Silently and efficiently, in remote Central American village back street WHO-sponsored birth control clinics, terminating multiple teenage pregnancies transmitted to exceedingly beautiful and willing blonde prom queens after drug- and alcohol-induced date rapes -- or in any of the other 97% of countries currently subscribing to the UN Charter to reduce world population by 2050 by any means possible (this includes surgical intervention up to 13 weeks) -- while maintaining a strict 'pro-life' position and a straight face 15 years later at televised national party conventions and during patriotic speeches at southern religious universities named after demon-eyed men with very strange Christian names.

(C) An extreme lifelong fondness for Jamaican and/or Colombian agricultural products dried and wrapped in loose paper holders or neatly arranged with an original King Gillette razor blade on a smooth reflective surface, and readily available openly and without fear of punishment in 95.4% of all the countries paying scant attention to belonging to the global coalition subscribing to the UN Charter to eliminate drugs, drug runners, drug pushers, drug accountants, drug bankers -- and other people who toss other people out of helicopters over Bogotá or Colon without compunction, or shoot down private Cessnas carrying missionaries and children over rapidly-shrinking Brazilian rain forests -- and still maintain numbered accounts and high-walled golf club memberships in Baruba.

3. Money

Thought by many to be the major stumbling block.

Nonsense! Hitch your wagons early to an obscure Harvard Business School graduate shooting star potential telecom CEO with international accountant consultancy experience in his mid-twenties who, even though he may later be dragged kicking and screaming before a House Investigation Committee he can -- as can you -- always say it was a misunderstanding, an attorney's error, or 'I can't remember.'

Or take (or drink) the 5th.

And there's always the dastardly cunning Gerald Ford Pinto excuse, "I swear no deal was made when I assumed the Presidency that I would pardon my predecessor degreaser friend who resigned in disgrace but will be completely vindicated even though I'll never ever again get elected in my own right when he publishes his memoirs and the New York State District Attorney currently on his case drops her investigation why he pardoned a notorious drug money campaign contributor and/or launderer after other more important matters suddenly cropped-up, like whether she should accept a Supreme Court appointment immediately or wait until she hits 30."

4. Try branding your opponent as 'stupid'

Made even easier if the fickle finger of fate tosses you a Nixon, Goldwater, Humphrey, McGovern, Ford -- yes him again -- Carter, Mondale, Dukakis, Bush (I), Dole and/or Gore.

5. Appear permanently outraged announcing the enemy of the week

COMING SOON: David Marsden clues you in on the remaining five steps to all the power, perks and privilege that come with being appointed "President" [sic] by your pals on the Supreme Court!

Copyright © 2002, David Marsden/asticles.com. Reprinted with permission
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ISSN No. 1523-1690