July 9, 2002 -- LOS ANGELES (TSBBNFS/APJP) -- As you plan your summer financial barbecues, there are plenty of diverse choices available for your hungry guests and investors.

Most top stock analysts, CEOs, auditors, accountants and financial managers have left little doubt that 2002's favorite summer recipe involves cooking the books.

There are quite a number of approaches to this time-honored business reporting, but it's most important that when cooking your books, you make sure to follow the instructions carefully, for there is no external monitoring of your preparations. You are on your own, but you can be trusted... right?

Here's one straight from Martha Stewart's "Insider's Living":

CORPORATE BOOK CAKE

Ingredients:

Falsified Records
10 cups Corporate Greed
Management Bonuses
Dash of Fuzzy Math
3.9 billion tbsp Line Costs
One imperceptible smidgeon of Capital Investments
1/5 Amendment Privilege
Tens of thousands pureed Naive Investors
3/4 Cup Hidden Overseas Accounts
Finely chopped Self-regulation
A few million well-placed Political Contributions (both parties, but for richer sauce use Republican seasonings)
Bankruptcy (as needed)
10 Quarts Massive Fraud
1/2 cup Anemic Audits (Arthur Anderson's complicity makes for a tasty cake)
One SEC Chairman Harvey Pitt, peeled, sliced thinly
One tsp. Insider Information
2-300 finely calibrated Golden Parachutes
One stick Corruption

Directions:

Grease the correct political party and stir in massive fraud.
Whip line costs until they appear to have the texture of capital expenditures.
Suck up any and all consumer confidence.
Spread insider information evenly over the analyst's palms.
Blanch the former employees' pension plans.
Overstate revenue by 3.9 billion cups.
Drain saving accounts of small investors and retirees.
Melt in corporate greed and corruption. Flavor to taste.
Sprinkle over-valued stocks and bonds through the entire market.
Use accounting firm consulting contracts to soften audits.
Shred evidence of malfeasance and blend with falsified records and 1/5 amendment.
Reduce the mix until free of all corporate responsibility, business ethics and public trust.
Just before bankruptcy, add excessive management bonuses (Golden Parachute brand recommended).
Add Harvey Pitt only after market has completely dissolved.
Lightly brush the pan with fuzzy math.
Pour entire mix in hidden overseas accounts.
Turn up political heat and cook in corporate greed for years and years.
Take out dish and cool it in an overseas account until SEC investigators disregard it completely.
When stew has been thoroughly digested, bring President to the table.

Serves:

Enron, Tyco, Worldcom, Adelphia, Global Crossing, etc.

Note: If used under proper corporate conditions you can have this cake and eat it too.

Steve Young, columnist at newsandopinion.com, is contributing editor for the WGA's "Written By" magazine and is a Prism Award winner and Humanitas nominee for his television writing. He is also author of the forthcoming "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (coming this September from Tallfellow Press).