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               | A Few Dick's Good Men
...not to mention a crushing November takeover of the Senate and House and highest local positions by ambitious stop-at-nothing men and women of the Democratic Party who will also take full and maximum advantage of the situation for two years until they too suffer the same massive and spectacular drop in popularity when we find out exactly what they've been doing to get them and what they did afterwards with their soft-money pork-belly campaign contributions. The good news? According to a recent representative Time-People-Sports Illustrated (currently AOL-Time-Warner -- but for how long?) poll among men and women in the armed services Dick Cheney has never been more popular among those uniformed men and women who would otherwise be building cells, digging and cleaning latrines, and, after thoroughly washing their hands, cooking diverse ethnic dishes for detainees at Guantánamo Bay in Cuba. ...or otherwise be building cells, digging and cleaning latrines, and cooking diverse ethnic dishes for American troops in Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Afghanistan, Bosnia, Herzegovina, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Kuwait, West Germany, Great Britain and most of the 50 contagious states of the United States of America. On closer examination -- which occasionally helps -- this is because the Pentagon is increasingly relying on a unit of Halliburton called KBR -- sometimes peculiarly referred to as Kellogg Brown & Root -- as the exclusive logistics supplier for both the Navy and the Army, providing services like cooking, construction, power generation, advanced solid and liquid latrine functions and fuel transportation thereby freeing-up the men and women we all thought were doing them -- and did magnificently in all the nation's wars until 1991 -- for other far-less-onerous tasks. Including, according to one man's accurate real-time Web site counter, unlimited Web surfing. Even more gratifying -- in these deeply suspicious times when anyone handling soft or hard money is coming under increased scrutiny -- is the news that the Halliburton contract recently won from the Army is for 10 years and has no lid on costs. The only logistical arrangement by the Army -- that we know of, which means there are definitely others -- without an estimated cost. Reached yacht-side yesterday brandishing a mega-pixel digital photograph of his newly-enlarged yeast-free pool, a crack Halliburton ex-Pension-Fund Director now living permanently, well and unextraditable in Baruba rebutted speculation that VP Cheney used his elevated position to enrich himself, his family and close Kellog, Brown and Root dependents since 1998 while over 18,000 Halliburton employees lost their jobs, pensions and Christmas party favour privileges. "I never heard anyone complaining when we were deftly manipulating deferred intransit intransigent pre-regurgitated reverse-flyover junk bonds to grossly exaggerate our nonexistent off-shore tax deductible stock options cleverly disguised as unstated earnings to back high officials of both parties including -- but not restricted to -- Mr. Cheney and the assorted other crack figureheads -- who today are driving around madly in stretched limos to create tighter finance laws between huddling with criminal and civil attorneys if they aren't in secure bunkers and avoiding collect calls from Lou Dobbs. "And anyway," he added before leaving for another day of deep sea fishing with Miss Venezuela and her mother, "a happy armed forces of all genders guarantees an administration maintaining unswerving loyalty to Kellog and Brown -- if not Root -- at such times of an immense national crisis of financial integrity and/or leadership. Or both. "Like these we're going through now where we are all struggling to make the best of things and keep our chins up."
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July 16, 2002 -- Baruba (
