The "Big Threats, Small Balls" Doctrine
by David Marsden

"War can only be justified and sanctioned if our beloved Führer's sons and daughters lead the initial onslaught."
-- Count Küssarsch von und zu Gelsenkirchen-Stadtbibliothek (for which he was summarily shot by a Nazi firing squad outside Garmisch-Partenkirchen on Aug 2, 1932)

Aug. 3, 2002 -- THE CARIBBEAN (asticles.com) -- A sensational consensus is slowly jello-ing among those so-normally-protective and fiercely-competitive wizened old-time Washington observers with overgrown curly ear- and nostril-hair.

They find themselves today in the decidedly uncomfortable position of being forced to reluctantly agree that a discernible recurring pattern is emerging among the current White House squatters.

If true, this will allow serious political pundits (excludong anyone connected however remotely to -- and with -- FAUX News) to accurately predict this Administration's reaction to any and all future threats to the "American People" -- which tangentially coincide with, or worse, hamper, the lofty aims and aspirations of the current not exactly White Homeless people.

...as propounded late last night by a hoary (and mostly hairy) Cable TV Network high senior White House correspondent acting as a spokesperson and under strict method-acting restrictions imposed by Lee Strasberg the old-timers are cunningly calling it the "Big Threats, Small Balls" Doctrine.

...where crack voices are raised to the heavens on Monday and by Friday you're lucky to get a whimper.

...where much gusto is expended publicly to grab the hearts, minds and whatever-else of the Gilligan's Island rerun-fan voting-age populace but behind closed doors it's great sighs of relief to have pulled another one off and bourbon and congratulatory handshakes all round.

If true, this amazing revelation could change the sacred, once-respected, skilled and hallowed art of professional political punditry, as we know it, forever.

There's only one way to find out.

Let's put the theory to the test, shall we?

Thorough FBI & CIA examination?

Not all that long ago and far away to great fanfare we were threatened with a thorough and some might say (and did) "unprecedented stop-at-nothing-no-holds barred" review of the lax activities inside the deepest bowels of these two august organs -- which, it turned-out, were still using department-store compressed-air-tube and rubber-padded-cylinder invoice and message distributors that older readers might fondly remember.

Result?

WASHINGTON, Aug. 2 -- FBI agents have questioned nearly all 37 members of the Senate and House intelligence committees and have asked many if they would be willing to submit to lie detector tests as part of a broad investigation into leaks of classified information related to the Sept. 11 attacks, according to officials involved in the inquiry.

Now, if that doesn't convert gusto to whimper in a New York nanosecond - nothing will.

Get out of Palestine "NOW!" This dire threat made it sound like F-16's were waiting to be unleashed at any moment to bomb and strafe Israeli government buildings if Ariel Sharon and his brave warriors did not "immediately", "instantly", "forthwith", "pronto", "lickety-split", "in the twinkling of an eye", and "before you can say 'Jackie Robinson'" withdraw entirely from Palestinian territory.

Result?

The threateners got it only almost right.

F-16's were unleashed and did strike. But through the message going down the wrong department store air-tube, at the wrong target and in keeping with the new BTSB Doctrine theory only a minor surpressed whimper emerged.

"Throw crooked CEO's in the slammer!"

This threat perhaps more than any other has resonated soundly among the "American People".

Since it was first made, over $11 trillion has been wiped off the Dow Jones Industrial Average, spreading immense joy to the average Dow Jones industrious commission broker, while simultaneously wiping angelic smiles off the trusting faces of hard workers approaching retirement.

And billions have been withdrawn from US-jurisdiction bank accounts of those crack Enron executives who started it all -- and who, naturally, tangentially coincide with the lofty aims and aspirations of the current White House squatters -- only to be instantaneously and electronically deposited under fake names and numbers here in Baruba for the purpose of buying prime property anonymously and yacht-loads of babe-magnet toys and games.

And where (and with which) the current White House squatters in their golden years can sit around yeast-free pools behind high electrified fences and toast each other with warm sweet gloat.

"Obliterate Iraq!"

The Gilligan's Island rerun fans making-up a large percentage of the target group to whom the Big Threats are principally targetted-to seem to beat their (and their loved one's) breasts soundly and need threats like this to thrive-on (and vote).

Slowly, and however imperceptibly, however, sufficient numbers of non-Gilligan buffs are raising themsleves up to ask, "But what about.... returning body bags in large numbers?"

Since Eisenhower, that thought haa either brought down or sullied the memory forever of every White House squatter who approved their mass production and use.

So maybe the "Big Threats -- No Balls" Doctrine theory isn't fully-ripe for public consumption after all.

And maybe, just maybe, we should all rejoice that in the grave predicament threatening us today only the latter 50% applies.

Postscript: TODAY'S COLONEL KLINK FUN SING-ALONG
(to the tune of Colonel Bogey -- lyrics anonymous, ca. 1939/40)

Hitler, he only has one ball.
Goering, has two but very small.
Himmler has something simmler,
But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.

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ISSN No. 1523-1690