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               | The Secret Iraq Attack Resolution Nov. 11, 2002 -- BARUBA (asticles.com) -- If you can (stay awake long enough) plough through the released official daft (why it took 6 weeks) draft resolution then read the version they don't want you to see.
(Ejaculation before 8 November 2052 prohibited.) United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and United States of America: Top secret resolution: [Adopted Secretly and Resolutely as Resolution 1442 at Security Council meeting 4645, 8 November 2002] The Security Council, Recognizing the threat Iraq's non-compliance with Council resolutions and proliferation of weapons of mass destruction and long-range missiles poses to international peace and security provides a perfect excuse and unique opportunity for the oppressed shareholders and battered CEO's of Exxon-Mobil, Shell, BP, Nesquik, Tampax, Viagra, Snapple, Halliburton, Enron, WorldCom, Harken, Russia, France, Syria, Mexico, Israel and China and Harvey Pitt to fulfil their wildest fantasies of wealth beyond their wildest wet dreams. a) Whereas Russia understandably does not want to lose a cent of the $10 billion currently owed by Saddam's Iraq or the $5 billion invested by GazNostril Petroleum Crude Consortium (owned jointly by the Russian state and Anastasia Alexandrovitch Putin) for future exclusive Iraq drilling rights when we hang and quarter Saddam by his feet in Basra in prime time during 'Sweeps Week' in February before flying him to Guantanamo Bay manacled to the propellers of a C-130: The United States promises to pay Russia (or someone trading under the name of Anastasia Alexandrovitch Putin and able to prove it with a valid passport or photo ID in Liechtenstein or Antigua) a sum of not more than $10 billion in cash and $5 billion in kind in return for moral support of clinical smart bomb strikes against residential districts of Baghdad and exclusive rights for Exxon-Mobil to get first refusal on all crude that crude and/or refined Mother Russia passes through her lukewarm-water ports of entry until 2052 (see map) b) Whereas France understandably does not want to lose a cent of the $5 billion currently invested by the Totalement Crude Petroleum Consortium (owned jointly by the French state and Virginié Catherine Deneuve Chirac) for future exclusive Iraq drilling rights in Iraq when we hang and quarter Saddam by his feet in Basra . etc., etc., etc., etc: The United States promises to pay France (or someone trading under the name of Virginié Catherine Deneuve Chirac and able to prove it with a valid passport or picture ID in Monaco or the Caymans) a sum of not more than $5 billion in cash in return for moral support of clinical smart bomb strikes against Baghdad and Basra children's hospitals and orphanages and exclusive rights for Texaco-Getty executives to get first refusal on all crude activities going-on in an around French Riviera warm-water ports until 2052 (see map) Further France promises to immediately cease and desist bombing McDonald's Fast & Regurgitated Food restaurants on French soil and Greenpeace ships anywhere and hands-over for shipment to Guantanamo Bay strapped to the propellers of C-130's all anti-American Culture anarchists and Jerry Lewis fans. c) Whereas Great Britain has the worst school, hospital and royal family system in the European Union this doesn't prevent the United States thanking the British people for their unstinting and uncomplaining slavishness as long as they get to download the US version of Microsoft's Internet Explorer. d) Whereas Syria was commonly accepted as a leading charter member of the original genuine "Axis of Evil" cabal and principal financial backer of Hezbollah and inviolate home base for the Intifada and Israel's most sworn-at and reviled enemy until 3:37pm Syrian Pacific Daylight Time last Thursday when self-anointed President Bashar al-Assad acceded to the following incontrovertible demands and promises. The United States of America guarantees the same self-anointed President Bashar al-Assad exclusive importation, distribution and sales rights throughout the Middle East (excluding Saudi Arabia), Africa and Central Asia for a variety of nifty US and British Personal Care and Genetically-Manipulated Foodstuffs including, but not restricted to Nesquik, Nescafe, Tampax, Playtex, Snapple, Nike and Heinz' 57 Varieties. The United States also promises to pay Syria (or someone trading under the name of the Plenipotentiary of the same self-anointed President Bashar al-Assad and able to prove it with a valid passport or picture ID in The Turcs and/or Caicos) a sum of not more than $3 billion in cash in return for moral support of clinical smart bomb strikes against Baghdad and Basra mosques during Ramhadan and exclusive rights for National Rifle Association executives to get first refusal on all crude weapons of mass destruction sales when Palestine finally drives Israel up the Golan Heights in 2176 (see map). We have to hurry to get this over before the hot dry season so let's be brief. e) China will receive Most Favoured Nation exemption for exporting pirated software to their hearts' desire. f) Mexico and the Mexican border will be excluded from the hovering weapons of mass destruction and hidden-camera North American Free Trading Pentagon Drone Zone. Thereby allowing for a continued free and unhindered flow of weatherproof plastic bags and weathered immigrants in both directions (mainly northerly.) h) And Baruba will continue to welcome rich or impoverished ex-CEO'S and their 23-year-old plastic surgery enhanced trophy partners as long as there is land enough, electricity enough for secure high electrified razor-wire and fuel to power the earth moving equipment to bulldoze 23-hole golf courses so help us. Signed and sealed on this day of whatever Lord you wish to invoke: United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission The Executive Chairman International Atomic Energy Agency | ||||
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