Steve's American Security Tip for the Day:
Poindexter Plan Missteps Will Hurt the Small Businessman
PLUS! Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and for G*d's Sake Don't translate!
by Steve Young

Nov. 22, 2002 - Los Angeles (APJP) -- Before Americans give a quick thumbs-up to the Bush "plan" brought to us by former Iran-Contra confidante -- the guilty, then not-guilty, John Poindexter - they'd better consider all the potential drawbacks.

As a small businessman, I'm deeply concerned.

Sure, we want to catch the evil guys where ever they may be hiding, but this loss of privacy seems sure to affect negatively many innocent activities.

I happen to own an Internet web site on which I sell antique dolls. Unfortunately, the name of the site is www.iamanamericanhatingterrorist.com.

Now how did I know that one day a business selling these beautiful, well-crafted dolls of yesteryear might end up becoming an target of the government? And it's not like I can afford to change it -- the collectors, boys and girls throughout the world, have always been able to find us since our old catalog days under I Am An American Hating Terrorist Doll Houses for years.

A change in name would put me out on the street!

In the name of American security, the Federal Government has spent years clamping down on hundreds of harmless mom and pop operations who were just trying to eke out a living.

The once prosperous restaurant franchise, No Blacks Allowed, was driven out of business in the mid-sixties by supposed goodie-goodie civil rights activists. I wonder how many African-Americans lost their jobs when NBA went under.

The Feminist movement certainly had a positive affect for women -- but what about the businesses that were targeted incorrectly? Companies like Turn Them Upside Down And They All Look The Same Air Conditioners as well as The Perfect Woman Should Be Three Feet Tall With A Flat Head To Put Your Beer On Pizza were forced out of business.

So before we push through any more eradication of our civil liberties, let's make sure we've considered all the possible ramifications. We don't need to see wonderful institutions like the Let's Start Giving Cigarettes To Children And Let Michael Jackson Care For Them Nursery Schools closing down just because of creative name choices.

Let's not let Big Brother get too big... or too Brother.

They're here, they're queer, AND they're decoding Al Qaeda!

Terrorists?

Hell no, it's those damn gay linguists we better start worrying about!

The Army wants to get rid of these guys -- and why not? Right now they're probably trying to translate Arabic terrorist ramblings into some clandestine attempt to further the gay agenda. Probably? Yeah, and probably Ellen doesn't date men.

Thank God for the military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy -- otherwise who knows what covert plans these gay translators have planned for the destruction of God, country and heterosexuality as we know it today. Will it be long before they'll be teaching us to better communicate with our women by, get this, listening to them? They'll be using camouflage with so much fuchsia a soldier could shop anywhere in West Hollywood without being noticed. Judy Garland videos and Streisand CD's will be flooding the base commissaries. Base camp TV channels will only get Oxygen or Lifetime.

The next thing you know, Colin Powell will be quoting Oscar Wilde.

In addition to the potential ruination of the military, translating these translators hasn't been easy. So to help Donald Rumsfeld until the military's crack gaydar is able to detect ALL of the closeted linguists, here is a glossary of some terms these lavender troops are doubtless using in deciphering enemy communications.

"Blow-me-up pumps" - Shoes or sneakers stuffed with explosives.

"Fabulous" - Reaction to terrorist setting off bomb and blowing up himself before reaching his target.

"Switch-hitter" - Americans caught training with Al Qaeda.

"Tallulah Bankhead" - Ashleigh Banfield.

"Siegfried & Roy" - Saddam and Osama.

"She is so-o-o butch" - Refers to Saddam's penchant for swishing his saber.

"Cruise" - Missile which causes all gorgeous men to leave their sexy, tall and talented actress wives.

"Boys In The Band" - The Taliban.

"Sodomite" - Follower of Saddam.

"Outing" - Turning in the neighbor with the silo of fertilizer and the 747 pilot degree to the Feds.

"Hiding the salami" - Iraqi concealment of weapons of mass destruction.

"That just screeeeams 'jihad'!" - Refers to increase in terrorist transmissions.

"Bi-" - Refers to a terrorist who also claims he's a religious man.

"Beards" - The innocent Iraqi citizens who are forced to hang with Hussein during an American attack.

"Mapplethorping" - Taking satellite photos of naked terrorists.

"Pulling an Ovitz" - Blaming "The Gay Mafia" for our middle-eastern troubles.

Yes, Steve Young is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (now available from Tallfellow Press) and the writer/director of "My Dinner With Ovitz" . Visit the Great Failures Web Site!