Snoop On THIS
by Alan Bisbort

Dec. 9, 2002 -- HARTFORD (APJP) -- Ssssshhhhh.

Better speak in whispers, just in case Attorney General Ashcroft and John "Not So Admirable" Poindexter are snooping in on us.

Go ahead, cast a glance over your shoulder, maybe close the door of your office or walk the length of the hall just in case some stranger is pretending to tie his wingtips outside your door.

By the way, you did notice that we live behind the Iron Curtain now, didn't you?

A recent reading of Vaclav Havel's descriptions of life during Soviet rule in Czechoslovakia reminded me eerily of what is more subtly transpiring here. Havel, the Czech president, was once imprisoned by the Soviet puppet rulers of his nation for four years for "human rights activism"; imagine that, he got put in a cell because he wanted to help people, not crush their spirits. Havel has described in his memoirs how, during those nightmare years of the "Velvet Revolution," people in Czechoslovakia, even in bars and dance clubs and coffee houses, would always glance over their shoulders and then lower the volume of their voices before speaking to their friends and trusted associates about anything-the weather, sports, sex, music, literature, politics.

The same thing is happening, to a more subtle degree, right now in America. Note how you unconsciously lower the volume of your voice when you are among strangers, as all the while you are aching to express your anger about Bush administration policies (well, its sole policy of permanent war). Note how you subtly underplay your feelings about Bush and Cheney and Rumsfeld and Rove when someone with whom you are not entirely comfortable asks you a political question. Once you gauge whether it's "safe" to talk openly to this person, you ratchet up the volume again. This must be how Trent Lott feels all the time -- though aching to extol the virtues of lynching black people, Trent is forced to feign civilized discourse when race matters are raised anywhere outside of the deepest nooks and crannies of Dixieland.

We feel your pain, Senator Lott.

Perhaps, then, rather than go through the charade of speaking openly, we should simply develop a new code for communicating. That may be the best way for freedom-loving Americans to get around the Homeland Security and USA Patriot acts. Ashcroft and Poindexter don't strike me as the hippest dudes in rotation, know what ah'm sayin'. They wouldn't know Eminem from a limp sack o' M&Ms or Tony Soprano from Tony the Tiger or manga from Milk of Magnesia.

Thus, I propose that we construct a vocabulary that can safely be used among our kindred spirits without fear of physical violence or unscheduled one-way trips to a Cuban tiger cage. By "kindred spirits," I am, of course, referring to the vast majority of Americans, who poll after poll have shown do not support the extreme right wing agenda that now colors every aspect of our lives like the stench of a rotting corpse that is our dead democracy. This growing army of just plain sick-as-Hell-of-this-Bushit regular citizens should be able to communicate with one another freely. We should have some words we can instantly use to let one of our number know that we have their backs covered and that we share their anger.

Here are some suggested words, and their new meanings. Please feel free to devise any others that you deem appropriate for your circle.

"Lumber" = "civil rights"
"Slumber" = "Congress and/or the Democratic Party"
"Gumbo" = "Spineless Bush cowboy-boot-licking Democrats in the mold of Louisiana Senator John Breaux"
"Dumbo" = "Large Republican windbags in the mold of Rush Limbaugh"
"Mutumbo" = "Chicken hawks who seem in good enough physical repair but claim bizarre physical deferments like 'anal cysts', in the mold of Rush Limbaugh"
"Bumbo" = "Large, air-headed but vicious, backstabbing Republican femme fatales in the mold of Linda Tripp"
"Bambo" = "Svelte, air-headed but vicious, backstabbing and borderline sociopathic Republican femme fatales in the mold of Ann Coulter"
"Mumbo" = "Incoherent, delusional and perhaps inebriated, Republican women pundits in the mold of Peggy Noonan"
"Loading" = "voting"
"Offloading" = "Wasting a vote on Ralph Nader that will only help the Republican Soviet Power Bloc"
"Yodeling" = "Speaking out"
"Singing like Bartoli" = "Ratting on your friends"
"Sheet music" = "Trent Lott and other members of white supremacy groups"
"Shit music" = "Recordings made by Ashcroft, Orrin Hatch and Pat Robertson"
"Dog" = "Separation of church and state"
"Doggone" = "Fundamentalist religious state favored by the Taliban and Bush"
"Cat" = "Extremist and extremely hair-sprayed and lacquered Republican women like Katherine Harris and Libby Dole"
"Cow" = "Karl Rove"
"Hippo" = "Rush Limbaugh, Tim Russert, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, etc."
"Python" = "Cheney"
"Poodle" = "Condi Rice"
"Puddle" = "Moderate Democrats who quiver in awe and fear in the presence of the dimwitted despot from Crawfish, in the mold of Gephardt, Lieberman, etc."
"Dipsy doodle" = "Incredibly moronic utterances of the brain-damaged-by-booze-and-coke Commander in Thief"
"Banana" = "Kiss my ass, you goose-stepping fascist morons"
"Pomegranate" = "When the people reclaim the government your ass is mine"

In closing, I would like to offer Messrs. Ashcroft and Poindexter, if they're snooping in on this, a 21-gun salute with a "banana" and a "pomegranate."

Not to worry, meine commandanten. Nothing suspicious going on here. It's just a bunch of harmless fruits.

Alan Bisbort is a columnist for the Hartford Advocate. His more recent book is "Famous Last Words: Apt Observations, Pleas, Curses, Benedictions, Sour Notes, Bons Mots and Insights from People on the Brink of Departure" (Pomegranate). He is co-author (with Parke Puterbaugh) of "California Beaches", the 3rd edition of which will be published in February 2003.