TIME Cops Out Again
Plus!! Gun maker Smith & Wesson to market... golf clubs!
by Steve Young

Dec. 24, 2002 -- LOS ANGELES (APJP) -- Once again, TIME magazine's choice of "Person of the Year" reeks of a politically correct cop out.

The selected "choice" for this year's persons were "The Whistle Blowers," Coleen Rowley, Cynthia Cooper and Sharron Watkins, three women who blew the whistle on Enron, WorldCom and the FBI. It's surely meant as a clear signal to corporate cheats and government intelligence failures, as well as an obvious effort to kowtow to the prurient interests of their male readers.

Will Playboy be far behind with their "Whistleblower Playmates" issue?

If TIME had guts and journalistic principles foremost instead of profit and sales, their selection would have been -- nay, should have been -- Mister Salty, The Pretzel That Almost Took Down A President.

Have we forgotten the events of January 13th, a day that came oh so close to changing the country's history and political path? It was on that date that President George Bush choked on a pretzel and briefly lost consciousness while watching a professional football game alone at the White House.

But the most egregious result of TIME's misguided choice its that, once again, we are sending a sanctimonious message that inanimate objects do not have the same rights as living organisms, especially humans.

Last year's selection was New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, with the honor having been given for his conduct in the aftermath of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks -- and that too was a mockery. Was there any doubt that the choice last year should have been Osama bin Laden -- who many had thought at the time, like the pretzel, was not a living organism?

And while the pretzel didn't actually "take out" the president, just think of the enormity the attempt's ramifications.

1. We were on terrorist alert and still the pretzel was able to get through.

2. If the president was not safe from a pretzel, who is?

3. No longer would Vice President Cheney be able to eat a pretzel when the President is eating a pretzel.

4. Do we think that the terrorists haven't taken note of the episode and are planning future attacks accordingly?

5. We still do not have vaccinations to protect us from pretzel asphyxiation.

While it's too late to change TIME's cowardly cover choice for 2002 we can draw upon this miscarriage of public relations justice as an difficult lesson we must remember for the future. If TIME wouldn't select Rold Gold this year, who says they won't ignore 2003's leading cover candidate, weapons of mass destruction?

Meanwhile, the NRA must be licking its chops. I can just see the ad:

"Smith & Wesson Golf Clubs...A Hole In One Every Time."

Smith & Wesson, the renowned firearm maker for over 150 years, has decided to stretch its empire from guns to golf with a deal to place its brand on clubs designed by Vaderson Design Group, a Florida club maker.

Oh, lordy, the obvious marketing possibilities...

Every Shot...Dead On.

Smith & Wesson...Miss A Green, Kill A Deer

Driver? Hell, it'll kill her!

The spokespeople...

"You can take my golf club from my cold, dead hands!" -- Charlton Heston

"The 2nd amendment protects our right to bear arms or 9 irons." -- Arnold Palmer

The new line of products will include:

-- The .44 Magnum Wood... Whack ‘em from any distance.

-- The Widow Maker Wedgie... Even in a sand trap, you'll murder the ball!

-- The AK47 Putter... Guarantees eighteen holes in one.

But the scary part... how far will Smith & Wesson go if this works?

Smith & Wesson Suppositories: Shoot 'em up where the sun don't shine.

Smith & Wesson Diapers: What is more comforting next to a baby soft skin than a Smith & Wesson?

Smith & Wesson Comedy Clubs: Comedians guaranteed to kill!

S&W, I implore you, stop this madness now. If our forefathers meant for all of us to have a golf club, women would be allowed at Augusta National!

Fore!

Yes, Steve Young is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (now available from Tallfellow Press). His new film, "My Dinner With Ovitz", has all of Hollywood abuzz. Visit the Great Failures Web Site!