Steve Young's
Michael Jackson Alert of the Day!
JACKO THREAT LEVEL RAISED TO ORANGE
by Steve Young

Feb. 14, 2003 -- LOS ANGELES (apj.us) -- Citing "specific intelligence" gathered in a British television documentary, Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge announced that the possibility of Michael Jackson doing something horribly repulsive had increased so substantially that he is upgrading the Wacko Jacko alert system to level orange.

"Recently, we have been intercepting substantial numbers of communications between Mr. Jackson and the Culkin brothers relating to the possibility of an impending sleep-over," said Ridge.

Forced to appear on an unending number of talk shows to make her accusations, attorney Gloria Allred added fuel to the fire.

"We have tracked large international movements of hot chocolate and Legos in and about Jackson's Neverland compound. Do you think those elements are coming in as child's play? These are obvious weapons of mass misappropriate activity by Mr. Jackson."

"Just because I sleep with unchaperoned children in my bedroom, a smattering of people think this is somehow unseemly," a Jackson statement read. "We were just having fun. Since when is a forty-four-year old single man sleeping in the same bed with unrelated minors a bad thing? Have you ever seen the gams on some of those kids?"

Coincidentally this latest orange alert comes at a time when the former black and self-anointed "King Of Pop" himself to be turning an incandescent shade of orange.

A Jackson spokesperson reports the recent color alteration is just a natural etymological occurrence and not due to any cosmetic alterations. "Michael is extremely sensitive as well as patriotic," said good friend and spoon-bender, Uri Geller. "His skin tone tends to fluctuate right along with our country's risk level of terrorist threat."

The last time the Jackson Threat level reached "orange" was when Jackson held his face-covered infant child over a balcony in Germany. At the time Jackson called the episode a mistake, explaining that he thought that he was holding Liza Minnelli over the crowd.

Ridge reiterated the need for parents and children to adhere to the five-point scale of risk developed immediately after Jackson made a multimillion dollar out-of-court settlement over a child abuse law suit.

WACKO JACKO ALERT SYSTEM

Steve Young writes on talk radio for newsandopinion.com, is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press) www.greatfailure.com and director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz" www.mydinnerwithovitz.com