Steve's Awards News of the Day!
The 2003 Academy AWAR!ds
by Steve Young

by Steve Young

March 20, 2003 -- HOLLYWOOD (apj.us) -- "... Hey, isn't that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed getting out of the limo wearing a daring and plunging, stretched out neckline T-shirt?"

Why, yes it is! And all the giddy participants in this year's Iraqi war showed up for the 2003 Academy of Wars Awards to watch who would be the big winners (read: losers).

If you weren't able to stay up to catch all the disagreements, tears and overlong (and scripted) speeches, here's a rundown of some of the winners (read: losers, again).

BEST SHORT: The Azores Summit's one hour of intense negotiations resulting in the ultimatum that there is only 24 hours left before war.

BEST SHORTER: Azores Summit Press conference announcing that there is only 24 hours left before war, limiting reporters to 4 total questions.

BEST SHORTEST (BOR-RING CATEGORY): The Clinton/Dole 2 Minute Smackdown on "60 Minutes."

BEST TAPED PERFORMANCE (HOME DEPOT CATEGORY): Duct.

BEST DOCUMENTARY (DISTRACTION FROM WAR CATEGORY): (TIE) Michael Jackson; Michael Jackson Rebuttal

BEST SCRIPTED PERFORMANCE (UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF MEDICATION? CATEGORY): President Bush's March 12th press conference

BEST FIRST AMENDMENT "SPIN"(I'M REALLY SHAKING CATEGORY): Bill O'Reilly for his declaration that any jerk who speaks out against American policy during a war has to answer to him

BEST ANTI-WAR PERFORMANCE (HISTORICAL WAR MONGER CATEGORY): Germany

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ALLY IN A NONSUPPORTING ROLE: France

BEST RATIONALE FOR WAR (REPEATED AD INFINIEM CATEGORY): "We been doing this for 12 years."

BEST RATIONALE FOR WAR (UNDOCUMENTED CATEGORY): "Saddam is connected to 9/11 and bin Laden!"

BEST PERFORMANCE IN A SUPPORTING ROLE (COSTING HIM HIS OWN SUPPORT CATEGORY): Tony Blair

BEST BLAME (FOOT-IN-MOUTH CATEGORY): Rep. James Moran for his blaming of American Jews for pushing war with Iraq

BEST ANTI-FRENCH MOVEMENT (BELGIUM CONCEPTION CATEGORY): Changing french fries to freedom fries

BEST NONAPPEARANCE (WAR INSPIRED BY CATEGORY): Osama bin Laden

BEST OPINIONS (LEAST NEEDED TO HEAR CATEGORY): (tie) Hollywood; Radio talk show hosts

BEST ADVANTAGE TAKEN FROM AN IMPENDING WAR ("THERE'S NO MANIPULATION, HONEST" CATEGORY): (Tie) Every fuel company

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A NONENTITY ("HEY, MOM, LOOK! I'M IMPORTANT" CATEGORY): UN Security Council member, Cameroon, for non-support vote on Iraqi invasion

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A REALLY ANGRY "AXIS OF EVIL" COUNTRY WITH WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION WHO IS KNOWN TO SELL THEM TO ANYONE WHO HAS THE CASH THAT IS NOT BEING INVADED (NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM CATEGORY): North Korea

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A MADMAN (SOON TO BECOME DUST CATEGORY): Saddam Hussein

As the after award parties continue long into the night, we'll see you at next year's awards in what's left over at the Baghdad Spago!

Steve Young is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press) and director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz".