Jeff Koopersmith

June 21, 2003 -- NEW YORK (apj.us) -- A few months ago, one could have presumed that it would not be long until the news media began its quadrennial personal assault on presidential hopefuls and their families.

One would have been exactly on target.

Witness today's "news" that Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean's 17-year-old son was caught, along with a few pals, attempting to pinch some liquor from the Burlington Country Club in Vermont.

Paul Dean, according to his father, will be charged as an accessory to burglary.

The Associated Press quotes Dean as saying

"Children do stupid things, and this is one of them."

This follows a rash of insulting stories about Senator John Kerry's wife allegedly being a blathering, unsupportive spouse; rude offensives on President George W. Bush's daughters -- most notably in this week's New York Observer; and other less titillating and pathetic stabs at Hillary Clinton, who is not running for anything but magazine covers.

Look, in the future, for attacks on Hadassah and Joe Lieberman for their Orthodox Judaism (between the lines, of course) and a myriad of other slurs aimed at children, brothers, in-laws, and co-workers of candidates.

Watch for Wesley Clark to be accused of being a schizophrenic as he battles against unwise runaway imperialism with those elements now in control of a Pentagon he served so well earlier in his career.

If truth be told, children and other relatives of aggressive politicians have always been the victims of prying eyes. The press is brutal and makes good people pause, wondering about the wisdom of throwing his or hat in the ring in 21st Century America.

I have to credit George Herbert Walker Bush. He made certain that most of the skeletons in young George W.'s closet were buried, at twenty fathoms, before he would let his son be pilloried by the press for youthful and not-so-youthful indiscretions. He also covered for his ancestors -- and very well.

Yes, George W. and Laura Bush have felt the sting of filthy journalism as they sat stunned and watched their daughters' social habits spread across the front pages of the nastiest tabloids and the most respected newspapers of the day.

Will the conservative-run press now make amends by maltreating the children of Democrats?

Candidates should and do spend time readying their families for the onslaught -- in fact, there should be school for politician and their families: "The Center for Surviving Contemptible Journalism"

The curriculum could include:

1. Burying old arrest records of family, friends, and people you ran into at the grocery store.

2. Did you cheat on your physics exam? Methods to change those teachers' notes.

3. Does anyone in your family actually wear their seat belts? Buckle up or be accused of threatening children's lives.

4. How often, when and where did you drink a little too much? Obtaining those revealing negatives and destroying them.

5. Lovers: eliminating or marrying them -- at all cost.

6. Did you ever own a failing business, pay a bill late, or not pay at all? Cleaning your slate with a few phone calls or campaign cash.

7. Choosing the right clothing and interior designers. Learning from Barbara Bush.

8. Getting all the dirt public -- quickly, cleanly, and (most importantly) without too much harm: lessons from most politicians.

9. Hiding from the paparazzi: up close and personal with Mrs. Gary Condit.

10. Tricks on nude sunbathing: getting away with it, or muffing it up! Thoughts from the diary of Princess Diana.

11. Tracing your friends, colleagues, and postman's history with the Communist Party or the Ku Klux Klan: Mrs. Robert Byrd's ordeal.

12. Bouncing a check -- the worst thing of all! The wonders of private banking.

13. Boxers or briefs? Leveraging the youth culture vote with undergarments.

14. Tee-peeing and egging the neighbor's house -- did you help clean it up? It's not too late.

15. Deciding whether to run: is it worth the misery?

I don't know how young Paul Dean will make out with his adolescent adventure. Hopefully the Deans were members of the Country Club and -- well, hijinx is hijinx.

Sadly, some local prosecutor with "family values" will probably throw the book at him.

Then again, maybe not.

JEFF KOOPERSMITH is a political consultant, opinion research authority, policy analyst, and self-described "renegade lobbyist."