Steve's Plankton News of the Day
*An extreme far-centrist foundation!
Rumsfeld: "Large sea slime is Saddam or Uday"
by Steve Young

July 9, 2003 -- LOS ANGELES (apj.us) -- While most oceanographers and biologists are unsure of either the identity or origin of the mysterious jelly-like specimen that washed up on the Chilean coast, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld says that classified CIA information has led the administration to believe that the rotting glob of smelly tissue to be Saddam or Uday Hussein.

"With the size of this thing, we’re not discounting that it could be both. Either that or it could be Michael Savage's career," said the ever-jocular Rumsfeld choking back a giggle.

As is standard operating procedure, Secretary of State Colin Powell differed with his adversary in the administration. With CIA chief George Tenet sitting confidently behind him, Powell said, "Aerial photos show solid evidence that WMD could be easily be concealed in the 40 feet long, 18 feet wide, and 3 feet tall piece of plankton."

Hansel De Blix, senior marine observer at the UN Aquarium, wasn't ready to rule that out this large lump of fishy stuff, could be... a fish. "It really smells like one," said De Blix, who added, "though there are bastards in the American government who would tell you different."

A Sunday morning shipload of Israeli marine biologists scientists sent to investigate along with a shipload of bagels and cream cheese have another theory.

"We're pretty sure it's a mammoth lox from the Jurassic period," said Dr. Bin Gurien. "At least that's what we're hoping."

At a White House all you can eat fish fillet luncheon, President Bush said that those who doubt the feasibility that this glob could have once been some sort of nuclear program can just "bring 'em on."

While not sure what the President meant, an attorney for fisherman Pedro Martinez, who first spotted the sea whatever, said that his client was a pro-American and that, "Mr. Martinez would take the $25-40 million in small pesos."

Steve Young is an award-winning television writer, director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz"", and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press -- check out the web site at http://www.greatfailure.com). He writes a regular column for Jewish World Review".