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Please Don't Make Me Put My Family Back on eBay!
My Open Letter to President Bush
by Steve Young

July 11, 2003 -- LOS ANGELES (apj.us)

Dear Mr. President,

First off, I want you to know that I really appreciate your $380 million tax cut... um, give back. You've assured us that it will turn the economy around soon. I believe you. I really do. Problem is, I fall about a quarter million short of the quarter million income line where I would truly benefit and my kids need to eat today. Worse yet, this eating business has started to become an everyday thing. And I'm having a tough time making ends meet. Even fronts meeting is tough, what with the wife's dismay of my wage inadequacy.

Let me remind you that earlier this year I placed my family on eBay in a hopeful attempt to find some lonely, family-deprived, multi-billionaire savvy enough to invest in us... for a minimum bid of $5,000,000. We did receive a bid of $5,000,000 but, unfortunately, the bidder did not meet our minimum condition: you had to have the money.

This has led to some problems.

For one, we're having great difficulty getting back on eBay -- something about not being allowed to sell humans. What is this country coming to when you can't sell people anymore? Please do something about the Supreme Court, will ya?

And without being able to sell the family, I have been faced with actually finding a job to support them. That is, until I found that I don't how to do anything which would produce a living, you know, except write... and sell family members. And if you've seen some of the results of my writing, you know that profiting from it is a long shot at best.

I know that you might suggest that I should go out and learn how to do something else. Unfortunately, I've found that I have an excuse... er, um, learning disorder, which doesn't allow me to learn anything new. It's some kind of Attention Deficit Disorder which I choose not to chance corrective measures lest I discover that if I'm able to learn to something new, that something would turn out to be "hard" work. I am willing to work, but I'm not nuts.

Even if I did try to find a job, that darn "Clinton recession" keeps propping up. Seems the nation's unemployment rate shot up to 6.4 percent in June, the highest level in more than nine years, and the largest month-to-month rise (almost a million more unemployed) since the Sept. 11, 2001 terror attacks. You were right. It's STILL the terrorists' fault. Finally, you have the vindication that those pernicious little liberals down at the Labor Department refuse to accept. Still they try. Now the LD scalawags say the job market is still very much in a state of recession and that the lackluster economy isn't producing enough jobs to accommodate increasing number of job-seekers. In fact, since you took office, the nation's factories have cut 2.6 million jobs. Damn, damn Clinton!

Still, I need to find a way to support my wife and family in a way they've been accustomed to. Of course I could do that by going on welfare, but then I'd have to find a real job within two years. That's a lot of pressure and then I'm back in the same place I am today: trying to make a living without working.

And so, I come to my reason for writing.

Could you please adopt me and my family? Besides the obvious tax benefit from the deductions alone, with me being a rather liberal columnist, it would be a great way to show your willingness to reach across the aisle and beef up the "compassionate" part of compassionate conservative. As you have said, if anyone has a problem with the US, "bring 'em on." We do have a problem and what I'm begging you to do is... BRING US ON.

Steve Young is an award-winning television writer, director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz"", and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press -- check out the web site at http://www.greatfailure.com). He writes a regular column for Jewish World Review".