GOP Stands for "Gift Of Propriety"
"Family values" holiday ideas for discerning Republicans to give that certain gay someone
by Alan Bisbort

Nov. 28, 2004 -- HARTFORD (apj.us) -- In the interest in re-educating gay men and women so that they can appreciate the beauty and sanctity of hetereosexual lovemaking -- and thus take up the "missionary position" themselves -- some Republican "power couples" have agreed to film instructional videos.

These public-spirited couples want to "walk the walk," so to speak, after endlessly "talking the talk" about "family values."

While the thinking behind these public service productions were to inspire "normal" man-on-top-woman-closing-eyes-and-thinking-of-England lovemaking between married heterosexuals throughout the bedrooms of America, what has occurred instead is that they have inspired a collective vow of chastity from anyone -- homosexual or heterosexual -- forced to watch them.

Republicans take this as a major victory.

In a statement ejaculated... er, released by Lynne Cheney, the former gay-porn writer who's now the head of this "Republican Power Sex Project," Republicans are interpreting the disgust with which liberals and secular humanists have greeted these videos as a sign that they simply "can't cut the mustard."

Cheney writes, "After all, what painter can compete with a Picasso... or even a Leroy Niemann? What writer can compete with a George Will or a Tom Clancy? What dancer can compete with, er, uh... lessee, Sammy Davis Jr.? You catch my drift. In other words, give it up, you liberal wussies. Get thee to a nunnery, Molly Ivins and Michael Kinsley, and don't even think about duplicating the sheer throbbing power of these power couples. The GOP goes for broke, even in the boudoir!"

Disbelievers should, as they say, check it out:

"Lynne and Dick Go Deep"
• One thing this video clears up, with almost frightening clarity, is that the potty-mouthed VP does not, as he has said more often than a Tourette's sufferer, "f- himself." Indeed, the sight of these two veteran Republicans rutting on a rug sent an entire opening night crowd of agnostics into a seminary. What better way to improve those wayward liberals' "values" than the sight of Dick hitting gusher after gusher, to shouts of "One more for Halliburton!"?

"Viagra Falls," starring Bob and Elizabeth "Ain't No Women's Libby" Dole.
• It's not so much the stamina of Bob that surprises or amazes -- since he's obviously dosed to the gills with his medicine -- as it is the ability of "Libby" to withstand such a relentless battering. And to find the time in her busy schedule, too! As Oprah would say, you go girl!

"Want Some Wood?", starring George and Laura Bush
• Disappointing, especially after the Doles' workout. This couple shares the perfect porno surname and yet neither reveals a thing. Behind the closed doors of the Lincoln Bedroom, Lil' Caesar spends most of his time in a lycra flightsuit, with an extra padded codpiece. In this get up, he struts and minces and preens for while an oblivious Laura, sporting Dolley Madison's nightgown, reads "Crime and Punishment" aloud. We switched this one off after George said, "Emission Accomplished" and "Want Some Wood?" for the millionth time. Booooooring.

"Floggin' the Liberal," starring Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly
• As suspected, a phallus to rival Handsome Dick Manitoba's is unveiled in this monster in a box. But the surprise is that it belongs to the erstwhile Lady Ann! Whoah. Bill is quickly spent and reduced to whimpering and pleading for some mercy at the sight of it. Sample dialogue ("I, I, falafal, Fraulein Coulter!" "You're supposed to feel awful, you miserable liberal worm...God smites thee mit meine Lickin' Shtick!"). The only quibble here is that the 4-minute video is padded out with 3 minutes and 45 seconds of Paris Hilton's wedding night deflowering, following the premature announcement that "Mr. O'Reilly has left the building!"

"Messin' With Millie," starring George and Barbara Bush.
• They may do this in Texas but anywhere else it's inconceivable. Rick Santorum should not be allowed to see this.

"Cokie and Sam Slam the Ham"
• America's favorite Republican-coddling media whores each display their own well-honed technique for doing what cost Joycelyn Elders her job. For political wonks and wankers only.

"The Terminator Meets The Exterminator"
• Wacky comic relief is provided by Arnold Schwarzeneger and Tom DeLay, as the duo don women's clothing and gyrate and thrust for a room full of Republican ladies. Ann Coulter makes another cameo, and the two girly men fall on their knees before her. Of course, Paris Hilton's video fills in the remaining five minutes.

"Laying Pipe," starring Ken and Linda Lay.
• Sadly, that's exactly what this is: an industrial film about building another oil pipeline in some 3rd or 4th world country. The "sexiest" part of the film is the voiceover by this power couple, still on the lam at one of their 4 Houston homes. Apparently the sight of shirtless, starving slave labor being flogged really gets this pair through the night. Little known fact: In Indonesian, "Enron" means "Let's get it on."

Alan Bisbort is a columnist for the Hartford Advocate. He has sworn off sex after writing this column.