Steve's TV Talk Show Talk
Comedy Central, in Cooperation with George Stephanopolous, Presents
This Week's "You Got To Be Kidding" Comedy Club
by Steve Young

Steve Young

Dec. 19, 2004 -- as seen in HOLLYWOOD (apj.us) -- "Hi, I'm George Stephanopolous and today on 'This Week,' we've got a three-headliner lineup starring TIME Magazine editor Jim Kelley, White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card, and top designer of the President Bush's Iraq policy, Richard Perle.

"And now, ladies and gentleman, please welcome the comic stylings of Jimmy Kelley!"

(Applause, applause)

TIME Magazine editor Jim Kelley has managed to one-up President Bush's selection of George Tenet for a "Medal of Freedom" award by once again making his "??? Of The Year" selection based on the his most important criteria... MAGAZINE SALES.

If they sell one magazine to each of the voters who elected President Bush -- or even the 49% of the 49% of America who actually approve of his performance -- score!

(Applause, applause)

"Wasn't he wonderful. Now, let's have a big This Week welcome for the wacky comedy of Mr. Andy Card..."

"The war has been won...

"Insurgents're attacking, but they're not attacking all of the people all of the time.

"Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a wonderful job.

"Secretary Rumsfeld knows the budgets necessary to fight the war.

"Thank you very much! I'll be here all four years. Two shows on Saturday."

(Applause, applause)

THIS JUST IN: Steven Wright has retired from comedy. "Card has just set a standard for stand-up that I could never hope to reach," said the brilliant, dour-faced comic. "Why even try?"

"And for our final act, here are the Neocon comedy stylings of Dicky Perle..."

"If you did a poll of America, Rumsfeld would be overwhelmingly supported.

"Bush's failures are debatable.

"General Eric Shinseki retired in normal rotation and made his 'several hundred thousand troops would be required to secure Iraq' comment after his date of retirement was announced. You've been a wonderful audience! Drive safe."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we hope you have has as hilarious a morning as we've had here on 'This Week.' Here's a really funny thought to take with you on the drive home: 18 US soldiers died this past week in our 'won' war, bringing our kids' losses to twelve or thirteen hundred. But who's counting? And, of course, don't forget to tip your waitresses.

"This is George Stephanopolous saying see you next week at... This Week's 'You Got To Be Kidding' Comedy Club. Good night!"

Steve Young, political editor of National Lampoon and evil genius behind National Lampoon's MoveOnPlease.org, is also the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" and "Winchell Mink...The Misadventure Begins" (Harper Collins). His "LORDS OF LOUD" column is a regular feature of AlbionMonitor.net.