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She's BAAAAACK...
Dear Aynnie
Neoconservative Advice From the Great Beyond
as channeled by Alan Bisbort
June 24, 2005 -- HARTFORD (apj.us) -- The goddess of the Neoconservatives
-- America's ruling class -- is Ayn Rand, the patron(izing) saint of Really
Phlatulent Philosophy.
"Dear Aynnie," a semi-regular advice column, derives its name
from Rand, whose Objectivist credo made a virtue of selfishness and whose
fiction fawned over powerful "Individualists" like architects,
capitalists, war-mongers, defense contractors, Joint Chiefs of Staff,
flyboys with codpieces, white collar criminals and other cheery human-monsters
bearing resemblances to Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney.
While Rand is no longer with us in the physical sense, her spirit wafts
up from the bowels of Washington, DC into the capital's corridors of power,
intoxicating fat white men and other career bureaucrats who've never worn
a uniform or done more than two push-ups at a time into thinking they
are emperors of the world.
I have merely channeled some of that intellectual swamp gas herein.
Dear Aynnie,
I had my heart set on a week-long Caribbean cruise, but
it has been canceled and I am feeling like a victim of Schaudenfreude.
(I don't know what that word means, but it sounds like something you and
your fellow travelers would enjoy). The cruise, sponsored by something
called the Thomas More Law Center, was called "The Battle for American
Values" and the guest of honor was to have been Bill O'Reilly, the
Heavyweight Champion of The Punditocracy. Since Mr. O'Reilly claims he's
"looking out for" me, I was going on this cruise to "look
out" for him, because I understand he likes a bit of strange when
he's away from Mrs. O'Reilly and her personal vibrator -- AND he is willing
to settle the resultant sexual harassment lawsuits out of court, cash
on the barrel head. I still don't understand know how it was that his
cruise didn't sell enough tickets, since Mr. O'Reilly was flogging it
endlessly on his TV and radio show and his Web site and, as we all know
from listening to him, he's the most important, most beloved pundit in
America, if not the universe.
Two questions arise: 1) Is Mr. O'Reilly just so great
and powerful and charismatic that people are afraid to go on a boat cruise
with him, or does this mean we who listen to him are hopelessly out of
step with American values? and 2) What should I do with the cruise wardrobe
I bought for the occasion? I mean there's only so much a girl can do with
all these loofahs.
Sinkable Molly Brown
Dear Molly,
Why not draw a hot bath, take the loofahs and shove them in the same
place Mrs. O'Reilly stashes her personal vibrator. That would be roughly
equivalent to the sensation of being stuck on a ship with Bill O'Reilly
for eight days. And eight nights. For a break, pull out Thomas More's
Utopia and you'll see where the liberals get all their silly ideas about
making the world a better place.
You sure your name isn't Molly Bloom?
Dear Aynnie,
Living through this political era is mentally exhausting,
mainly because it has lately dawned on me that all the really stupid people
are on our side. Why is that?
Doubting Clarence
Dear DC,
You've answered your own question. "All the really stupid people"
covers everyone on both sides. It cover you, too. The only people to whom
it doesn't apply is me, Howard Roark, my Siamese cats and my drinking
companions, whoever they are at the moment. Everyone else can go take
a flying leap off a fictitious skyscraper for all I care. Being an Individualist
and an Objectivist means never having to say you're sorry. YOU are the
only important being in all of existence. All other beings are to be used,
abused, controlled and ignored. Why do you think I LOVE this Bush Administration?
They are all so stupid and yet they are so abusive of all the other stupid
people. It's a win-win situation for me.
Dear Aynnie,
You were pretty active in the sack,
if you catch my drift. Given your sack-track record -- and let's face
it Aynnie, old gal, you were pretty darn close to being a raving nymphomaniac
-- what gives with the Neo-Conservative obsession about what goes on between
consenting adults behind the doors of their bedrooms...scratch that, behind
the doors of their houses? I am assuming that you'd be a pretty strict
Neo-Conservative Republican if you were around today, despite your sluttish
personal behavior, and this means that you'd have to be in favor of judges
who might order, say, regular genital check-ups to ascertain one's fidelity
as well as one's strict adherence to the missionary position. Not only
that, but Neo-Conservative Poster Boy Rick Santorum is in favor of closing
down all animal shelters and pet shops, lest someone acquire a pet on
which they might practice bestiality or get the notion to practice bestiality
or something...God only knows how fundamentalist creeps like Ranger Rick
think this stuff up since it's nothing that any sane person would want
to spend more than one second IN THEIR ENTIRE LIFETIME THINKING ABOUT...
Ben Bulben
Dear BB,
What, exactly, is your question? Please send an 8 by 11 inch glossy
with your next mailing. And your phone number. I'll have my assistant
call you and arrange a tryst at Bernie Kerick's Ground Zero Bachelor Pad.
My fountainhead is all yours, honey. Just don't shrug, Atlas, while you're
in the act, if you catch my drift...
In high school, Alan Bisbort once read to page
17 of Atlas Shrugged. He is an author and
columnist for the Hartford Advocate.
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