A Nation at War

Dear Aynnie
Neoconservative Advice From the Great Beyond
as channeled by Alan Bisbort

June 24, 2005 -- HARTFORD (apj.us) -- The goddess of the Neoconservatives -- America's ruling class -- is Ayn Rand, the patron(izing) saint of Really Phlatulent Philosophy.

"Dear Aynnie," a semi-regular advice column, derives its name from Rand, whose Objectivist credo made a virtue of selfishness and whose fiction fawned over powerful "Individualists" like architects, capitalists, war-mongers, defense contractors, Joint Chiefs of Staff, flyboys with codpieces, white collar criminals and other cheery human-monsters bearing resemblances to Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney.

While Rand is no longer with us in the physical sense, her spirit wafts up from the bowels of Washington, DC into the capital's corridors of power, intoxicating fat white men and other career bureaucrats who've never worn a uniform or done more than two push-ups at a time into thinking they are emperors of the world.

I have merely channeled some of that intellectual swamp gas herein.

Dear Aynnie,

I had my heart set on a week-long Caribbean cruise, but it has been canceled and I am feeling like a victim of Schaudenfreude. (I don't know what that word means, but it sounds like something you and your fellow travelers would enjoy). The cruise, sponsored by something called the Thomas More Law Center, was called "The Battle for American Values" and the guest of honor was to have been Bill O'Reilly, the Heavyweight Champion of The Punditocracy. Since Mr. O'Reilly claims he's "looking out for" me, I was going on this cruise to "look out" for him, because I understand he likes a bit of strange when he's away from Mrs. O'Reilly and her personal vibrator -- AND he is willing to settle the resultant sexual harassment lawsuits out of court, cash on the barrel head. I still don't understand know how it was that his cruise didn't sell enough tickets, since Mr. O'Reilly was flogging it endlessly on his TV and radio show and his Web site and, as we all know from listening to him, he's the most important, most beloved pundit in America, if not the universe.

Two questions arise: 1) Is Mr. O'Reilly just so great and powerful and charismatic that people are afraid to go on a boat cruise with him, or does this mean we who listen to him are hopelessly out of step with American values? and 2) What should I do with the cruise wardrobe I bought for the occasion? I mean there's only so much a girl can do with all these loofahs.

Sinkable Molly Brown

Dear Molly,

Why not draw a hot bath, take the loofahs and shove them in the same place Mrs. O'Reilly stashes her personal vibrator. That would be roughly equivalent to the sensation of being stuck on a ship with Bill O'Reilly for eight days. And eight nights. For a break, pull out Thomas More's Utopia and you'll see where the liberals get all their silly ideas about making the world a better place.

You sure your name isn't Molly Bloom?

Dear Aynnie,

Living through this political era is mentally exhausting, mainly because it has lately dawned on me that all the really stupid people are on our side. Why is that?

Doubting Clarence

Dear DC,

You've answered your own question. "All the really stupid people" covers everyone on both sides. It cover you, too. The only people to whom it doesn't apply is me, Howard Roark, my Siamese cats and my drinking companions, whoever they are at the moment. Everyone else can go take a flying leap off a fictitious skyscraper for all I care. Being an Individualist and an Objectivist means never having to say you're sorry. YOU are the only important being in all of existence. All other beings are to be used, abused, controlled and ignored. Why do you think I LOVE this Bush Administration? They are all so stupid and yet they are so abusive of all the other stupid people. It's a win-win situation for me.

Dear Aynnie,

You were pretty active in the sack, if you catch my drift. Given your sack-track record -- and let's face it Aynnie, old gal, you were pretty darn close to being a raving nymphomaniac -- what gives with the Neo-Conservative obsession about what goes on between consenting adults behind the doors of their bedrooms...scratch that, behind the doors of their houses? I am assuming that you'd be a pretty strict Neo-Conservative Republican if you were around today, despite your sluttish personal behavior, and this means that you'd have to be in favor of judges who might order, say, regular genital check-ups to ascertain one's fidelity as well as one's strict adherence to the missionary position. Not only that, but Neo-Conservative Poster Boy Rick Santorum is in favor of closing down all animal shelters and pet shops, lest someone acquire a pet on which they might practice bestiality or get the notion to practice bestiality or something...God only knows how fundamentalist creeps like Ranger Rick think this stuff up since it's nothing that any sane person would want to spend more than one second IN THEIR ENTIRE LIFETIME THINKING ABOUT...

Ben Bulben

Dear BB,

What, exactly, is your question? Please send an 8 by 11 inch glossy with your next mailing. And your phone number. I'll have my assistant call you and arrange a tryst at Bernie Kerick's Ground Zero Bachelor Pad. My fountainhead is all yours, honey. Just don't shrug, Atlas, while you're in the act, if you catch my drift...

In high school, Alan Bisbort once read to page 17 of Atlas Shrugged. He is an author and columnist for the Hartford Advocate.

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