An Open Letter From The Lord to Pat Robertson
... as leaked to Steve Young

The Lord

Jan. 7, 2006 /Heaven (via Hollywood) -- apj.us/ Pat Robertson never surprises Me. Actually nothing ever surprises Me. That's one of the problems of being omnipotent. Even so, sometimes I can't figure out what that boy is thinking. I'm omnipotent - but I'm not David Blaine.

I've never got the whole "Evangelical Christians get into Heaven but the rest of humanity is locked out" thing. Any religious school of thought that lets John Ashcroft into Heaven and keeps Mahatma Ghandi out seems dubious to say the least.

Following Robertson's train of thought for how I choose to deal with right and wrong requires a better Global Positioning System than I've been able to come up with. This past week, the right reverend/political powerbroker/amateur neurologist explained the factors behind Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke. I had mistakenly thought it was caused by damaged or blocked blood vessels resulting in a loss of blood and oxygen to the brain. Imagine My disbelief to hear from Dr. Robertson that this one was My doing! Not only that, I then found out that I did it because of Mr. Sharon's involvement in attempting to achieve a peace in the Middle East.

Excuse Me if I can't wrap My mind around his logic.

Robertson blames Me for retribution, but not for conflicts. He blames Sharon for parsing out the Holy Land, but not Me for letting Him divide it. He blames Me for the stroke of an obese, stress-laden, seventy-seven-year-old prime minister, but not for terminal cancer in children. He blames the stroke on My penchant for punishing evil, yet not a word for My pardoning Nixon. He celebrates My guidance in ousting Saddam and his regime's crimes against humanity, yet ignores My neglecting Sudan.

At the least, Robertson is cherry-picking. At worst, he's not read the Ten Commandments -- especially that My-name-in-vain part. At first, I thought that Commandment might read a bit too narcissistic, but I never thought people would think it concerned petty outbursts of blasphemy. For My Son's sake, I created so-called blaspheme words as a calming device. I figured that if I were going to let you hit your finger with a hammer, it was My responsibility to let you vent. The name-in-vain part was meant for real blasphemies: the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, Jihad, slavery, and any sentence that begins with, "It's my God-given right to...". It wasn't meant for blaming suicidal piloting into buildings on gays -- which I understand I was supposed to have endorsed because I believe homosexuality to be sinful. I don't want to go Nathan Lane all over you, but if homosexuality were sinful, explain why I let Brokeback Mountain sweep this year's Oscars!

(Oops! A little bit too much information.)

For years, Robertson and his colleagues have been using My name to wage their own Holy War on anything they disagree with. (Holy War. I've always been bothered by the placing those two words together. If I had as much forethought as I'm given credit for -- and more room on those tablets -- I would have made a Commandment to cover that one).

Robertson says I no longer care about Dover, Pennsylvania because of their refusal to allow the concept of "Intelligent Design" in their science classes. If there truly were "Intelligent Design," why would I have designed Robertson?

Robertson's convictions seem to impose on Me the defect of bad timing. If I punish those who do evil, why do I often wait so long and allow so many years of pain to be inflicted before I apply punishment? Why wouldn't I have stepped in and purged the world of Hitler while his only atrocities were afflicted on the walls he painted? Why would I have allowed the families of those 12 miners believe their loved ones had survived? Why would I have permitted Rob Schneider to make so many movies? Why would I condone Bill O'Reilly?

Fault Me for splinters. That I can understand. It's a little reminder that you should be more careful. But punishing people with strokes? That's a bit heady, isn't it?

If Robertson's rationalization is that I gave free will and it's up to humans to do with it as they please, wouldn't that make Me an accessory to any crime? If there's "Intelligent Design," wasn't Mr. Sharon designed by Me?

This is not to discount Mr. Robertson's right to say or think what he wishes. I just wish he would take responsibility and stop blaming his idiotic and hateful statements on Me.

Love and Peace, G

P.S. to those who might still want to believe in ID: for creating the countless series of events for countless numbers of years, that to led up to Mr. Robertson's birth, I apologize.

Steve Young is a L.A. talk show host and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful."