First of all, we want you to know that we love ya and we don't want to make a big deal out of this. Really. Up till now things have been a smashing success. That's not to say it hasn't been a roller coaster, but $5 million annual contracts have their way of smoothing out the ride.
For years we've stood steadfast, making sure that whatever lemons you've thrown at the American people, we could make them taste like sweet, sweet lemonade.
Making tax breaks for people like us seem like a benefit to Average Joe Dope - who wouldn't know an estate tax if he sat on one - was fun. Highlighting a four million job gain without mentioning that two million of those jobs were first lost under your administration was just simple sleight of math.
No WMD? Listen to these..."Would you rather Saddam still be in power?" "What about the torture chambers?" "My God, he gassed his own people." And if those don't work we can always find some ex-Iraqi military wacko who'll say he heard from someone who heard from someone else who has a sister-in-law who actually saw the WMD get snuck into Syria.
Joe Wilson? Richard Clarke? Cindy Sheehan? Demeaning one and all? Childs play. Glenn Beck could've handled them all by himself.
Turning any issue back on the Dems has never been a problem. We would need a moat to keep Lieberman from coming on to back us up. Gitmo? Durbin did us a solid turning it into a weeklong "you calling our troops nazis?" party.
We still don't know how we were able to turn Mrs. Alito's crying during Lindsey Graham's speech into a Democrat bad. Sometimes it just falls into your lap.
We had a few rough moments with your playing guitar during the lead up to Katrina and the whole Brownie "you're doin' a heck of a job" thing, but thankfully Ray Nagin supplied the silver platter to lay our blame on. And what Sean was able to do with "the buses" was pure talk gold.
But geez-Louise, George, the last few days have been a wee-bit untenable. It's not like we didn't know that you were, um, massaging the facts, but criminy, did you have to let it all unwind in the same week? We're propagandists. We're not Helen Keller's teachers.
Right after we back you up on castigating the NSA whistleblower for leaking national "can you hear me now" secrets, Scooter admits that Dick told him to spread national secrets. Darn it, Mr. President, some of our listeners might construe that as illegal or traitorous.
The Abramoff pictures with you don't seem to be just one of those accidental pictures with some tourist at a Chanukah fling that McClellan said they would be. Actually, the way you looked at each seemed more Brokeback Mountain than Accidental Tourist.
Then Brownie says he let you in on the deadly devastation of Katrina's wrath before you said no one could have foreseen it. It was nothing to point to the one newspaper headline in Granada, but Brownie has the damn e-mails. What happened to "I don't e-mail because I don't want you reading my personal stuff"?
We understand when you trot Card or Hadley out to readjust the (lack of) relevance of some administration fiasco. But y'got some twenty-four-year-old kid in charge of adjusting NASA experts' documents to dismiss their belief in global warming? We know he didn't graduate college. Did he even take science in high school?
You sneak a humongous Social Security expenditure in the new budget without mentioning it in your State of the Union. You could have at least had Mehlman give us a warning.
Some senior C.I.A. official says the pre-war intelligence on Iraq indicated that war was unnecessary and that the White House went to war without requesting any strategic-level intelligence assessments on anything that sounds like Iraq.
Alberto testifies that Washington and Lincoln used electronic surveillance. The federal deficit and trade gap hits an all-time high. And who the hell at the White House gave the okay to give DeLay a seat on the Appropriations subcommittee that's overseeing the Justice Department's investigation into him and Abramoff? Sure, a couple years ago we might have been able to spin that one, but that was before the Republican Party became the warehouse for Indictments R Us.
Let's be honest, George. You know we think you're the bomb, but we couldn't weave all that garbage into something positive if we brought on Dick Morris, Newt Gingrich and Oliver North all at the same time. And this was just one week.
It's not like we're going to quit on you or anything. All we're saying is that when so much stuff is about to hit the fan, do us a favor and give us a heads up. At least then we would have enough time to get John Gibson to fill in for us.
Still best buds,
Steve Young is a Senior Fellow at the Extreme Far Centrist Foundation' Political Husbandry Conservation Centre and Stereo Repair. In his spare time, he is also an author, comedy writer, columnist, LA talk show host and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful."(What? You STILL haven't bought it? Then visit http://www.greatfailure.com/). You can also check out the satirical side of Steve every Sunday in the LA Daily News.
|Copyright © 2005, Steve Young. Reprinted with the permission of the author. Copyright © 2005, 1996-2004, American Politics Journal Publications, Inc. |
Operating software by Underwriters Digital Research. Data development by Gaudette & Associates. ISSN No. 1523-1690