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Pundit Pap
for Sunday, April 30, 2006
Ripping Him a New One
by the Pundit Pap Team: Gene G | JJ Balzer

April 30, 2006—correntewire.com / apj.us—By yesterday morning, the stories underscoring the predominant culture of corruption in the GOP-controlled Beltway were piling up so quickly that it was becoming a full-time job just to keep track of them:

Naturally, the Sunday morning shows ignored this tsunami of graft, greed, and crime, spending most of Sunday focusing on two topics:

But the best pap of all was not on the Sunday shows, but happened late Saturday night...

C-SPAN: White House Correspondents' Dinner
by JJ Balzer

The annual Washington "Press Corpse" exercise in self-congratulation and "lighthearted" lampooning of the Popular Wartime Preznit took a welcome, nasty turn last night—to the delight of thousands of Beltway outsiders who decided to tune in to the C-SPAN feed.

It seems that the dinner's planners decided to book comedian Stephen Colbert—host of Comedy Central's hilarious riff on conservative windbag TV, The Colbert Report—as the keynote speaker.

He did not disappoint.

The dinner sported the usual contingent of celebrity attendees, including Larry Fishburne, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Joe Pantoliano, Maura Tierney, Morgan Fairchild, Patricia Clarkson, and "Skunk" Baxter schmoozing with administration "playas" (including the newest, Tony Snow) and the supine, submissive press corps.

A slew of speakers supplemented the attendees' meal of rubber chicken. Most of the Sunday shows played a couple excerpts from the requisite "all in good fun" sketch featuring former Texas Governor George W. Bush and Bush-impersonating standup comic Steve Bridges standing at dueling presidential podiums in a "what he said, what he really means" routine. Most of the "jokes" were lame, though a few hit the mark—and we were floored by Bridges's hilarious, almost eerie command of Bush's mannerisms.

The highlight of the evening, without doubt, was Colbert's jaw-dropping half hour at the dais. Colbert, assuming the character of Colbert Report host, roasted most of the attendees, from the President to Antonin Scalia to the lazy, play-along press corps, with some of the most withering, hilariously condemnatory comic material we've ever seen emanating from Washington. The festivities ended with an hilarious videotaped segment of "White House Secretary Steven Colbert" in action—and then pursued by a threatening press stalker (none other than Helen Thomas). The audience, who were probably expecting something along the lines of Mark Russell, were laughing in a way that sounded muted and uncomfortable, and the cutaways confirmed that impression. Just after Colbert finished, both the former Texas governor and his wife looked visibly miffed as he left the dais.

Colbert not only lampooned and humiliated Bush and his handlers, but the lapdog media that has propped him up—in public, live, and for a national audience. It was his, and C-SPAN's, finest hour. And you won't hear cable news talking about it, because Colbert rubbed their nose in their failure.

Best. Correspondents'. Dinner. Evah!

You can see it all, in two parts, here and here (high-speed connection strongly recommended; Crooks and Liars has a decent lo-res version). The full transcript for the broadband-challenged is here.

One has to wonder: can a C-SPAN program be nominated for a comedy Emmy?

 

CBS Face the Consequences: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Sens. Maria Cantwell (DINO-WA) and Lisa Murkowski (R-AK)
by Xan

Well, today’s Sabbath Gasbag Productions are like dinner at a Chinese restaurant: no matter what you order, you get Rice with it.

I caught her appearance on ABC's This Week With George S. since it comes on the air first, then the reiteration of the same babblement on Face the Consequences since that’s my gig this week.

Today’s magic word—the speaking of which causes a stuffed duck to fall from the ceiling and boink you in the head—is “Chapter 7 Resolution.” Sec'y Rice must have repeated that term at least a dozen times between the two shows I saw—and never defined it even once. The only Chapter 7 I am familiar with has to do with bankruptcy. There may be some metaphoricalistic subliminal symbolicization going on here, Martha.

Oh, and in case you were thinking of making fun of me for making up new words, I quote Ms. Rice from about midway through here FTN appearance: “We need this Chapter 7 resolution so we can make compellance on the Iranians.” So there. I was led astray into the realm of neologisming by Evil Companions.

On the other half of FTN, having dispensed with Iran and been assured that Everything Is Going Fine Or At Least Getting Better in that other “I” country in the area because they now have Politics and are going to get Ministers, and that makes Insurgencies go away, was about gas prices.

[pause for breath after that godawful sentence]

The next guests were Sens. Maria Cantwell (DINO-WA—not that the Dino-ing is doing her any good) and Lisa Murkowski (Blood-on-the-Snow Red-AK, who never met a drill she didn’t love).

Murkowski played the Blame Carter & Clinton Card, which can be detected even in an otherwise unmarked deck by a phrase like, “Our failed energy policies go back decades”—without mentioning anything about the Last Six Years. This is usually tied to a prayerful invocation of Law of Supply and Demand, Congressional Inability To Do Anything About.

Oh, and she suggested checking the air in your tires. And even managed to gag out the word “carpooling” once, but they it was back to ANWR, the East Gulf Shelf (that’s Gulf of Mexico, AKA the Oil Florida’s West Coast Act. That Florida governor must be one o’ them Evil Democratic America-Hating Islamofascist-Symp fellas cuz he’s managed to block any mention of drilling in the East Gulf for quite some time now.)

Cantwell noted that drilling in ANWR would, possibly, lower the price of gas by 1 cent a gallon—ten years from now! Then she went into some push for transparency in the oil trading markets which I’m sure is a good thing except that she didn’t get enough chance to explain it and I never heard of it before so can’t be of much help.

Maria had a nice phrase at the end of her spiel, after mentioning the Brazilian ethanol push, that we should “Lead, not lag, on new-tech energy.” I see a campaign theme here, and bumper stickers.

Neither had anything good to say about that rumored “$100 rebate to consumers” that was floating around last week.

In the words of another bumper sticker I saw one time, “It’s dead, Jim. You grab his wallet and I’ll get his tricorder.”


More Pap later today!

 

Universally acclaimed as boldly shrill members of the reality-based community, the Bloggers of Corrente can be reached off the record, on the Q.T., and very hush hush at their highly fortified headquarters, The Mighty Corrente Building.



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