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Jeff Koopersmith

Karl Rove Buys His Own Hype
by Jeff Koopersmith

June 30, 2006–GENEVA (apj.us)–The weird, wonderful, and most compelling thing about Karl Rove–the President's Rasputin–is that he in point of fact believes his own press.

This toad imagines turning into a prince, but the fact is that his most recent try at turning the President's F-scores around, along with the Republican Party's in general, will be a great big cow-patty flop.

The White House is now in a sort of day after day war council. The enemy? Not terrorism, but terrorist GOP House members and Senators who are screaming at the political desk at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue–hourly–telling the poor Rove underling on the other end that they can forget about support for the window-dressing true GOP believers are hyping as the "Values Agenda," worried for good reason that they'll be dumped by their own constituents because of stupid domestic policy decisions, or perhaps another... what does Rove call them?... "dust-up" in the Middle East.

Currently I am dead center in Europe and talking to colleagues about European attitudes toward the White House. Attitudes toward Americans in general seem fine, but the magnitude of disgust with Bush & Co. is beyond even the imagination, albeit limited, of Condoleezza Rice and her breast-feeding sire Dick Cheney. There are two television shows European intellects like to watch: CNN "Late Edition" with Wolf Blitzer, and "The Daily Show: International Edition" because the program does such a fine job defining Mr. Bush and his cadre of cabinet codependents as "one more incompetent than the other."

But Mr. Rove takes the cake.

He now thinks that the next BIG LIE you are gping to buy into is that his boss wants to bring the troops in Iraq home.

Stop and think: if this is true, why is Bush building permanent military bases from Baghdad to Amman?

This is yet another Rove ruse.

Memo: Let's call a commanding general and order him to bring home ten or twenty thousand boys and girls, men and women just before the midterm elections in November. Bring them home on one Big Ship–The Queen Mary–and have her dock in New York with the President helicoptering onto the deck in a codpiece-equipped, crotch-hugging flight suit before the megaship reaches the pier.

Joe Sixpack, whom Rove believes is the stupidest creature on the face of the planet, will, according to Rove's calculations, believe that the war in Iraq is winding down–even though death rates will be climbing for not only America troops and contractors but civilian Iraqis who, acting like the uneducated, holy rollers they are (matching of course our own religious fanatics in self-induced ignorance and hatred), will murder each other with increasing ferocity because one is labeled "Sunni" and the other "Shia.'"

Then there are the vicious animals who kidnap anything not Islamic and slice off their heads to strike terror into the hearts... of whom? Here's what Rove wants you to think: next thing you know, these jihad-crazed terrorists will be trying this in Central Park. Can you just see them kidnap Pink, Madonna, and whatever's left of the BeeGees and beheading them on the Trump Skating Rink at 5th and 59th?

I thought CNN International had a good question going on their phony "poll" this weekend asking Americans if they thought Al Qaeda had a large presence in the United States–inasmuch as seven Americans (of color, of course) were arrested for something relating to someone saying they wanted to blow up the Sears Tower in Chicago, even though they really seemed incompetent to do so.

I asked myself: were they really planning to do it, or were they just sitting around talking religious trash white snorting or shooting some kind of white powder? Whatever it was they were doing, they stepped over some line that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales drew in the sand of his mind on direct orders from Richard Cheney, who reminded the AG that he also believes that torture is a great way to get confessions (real or not–as if it matters).

Back to Karl.

So there he is, narrowly having escaped indictment–not for the lies he tells America and the world each day in his faxed propaganda to FOX News, but for lies he told in secret to a Grand Jury, over and over again; each time coming back to say "Oops, I forgot this or that."

Rove, a natural if not factual student of fascist propaganda technique, is busy trying to save his sorry, massive ass by coming to the dramatic rescue of the fanatic right-wing American lunatics who put these clowns in office and are presently itching to start a new round of The Crusades.

He's finally figured out that even the pig farmers in Iowa have grown completely sick of the carnage. So right now he's trumping up a lie, just another, that soon all be well in Iraq–and by the way, Afghanistan, too, which is led by the cape-wearing daredevil handpicked by Bush, Hamed Karzai, who is now in a war of words with the Pakistani two-timing leadership, who themselves are worried, rightfully, that Osama Bin Laden is back in Kabul and Tora Bora (coming soon to your neighborhood theater–or was that Tora Tora Tora?...), making a mess of things, not to mention killing everyone in their way.

I watched the wily Karzai spread his bull around the newsrooms this past Sunday, but he wasn't even convincing himself–the tell being that he wasn't wearing his usual silk stole, his trademark. He was wearing his sheepskin hat though his suits were apparently made by bespoke tailors in London.

Ah, theater! Is it not wonderful?

So here are the latest Rove lies put out for you to buy:

1. Our military is happier than they've ever been, even on their honeymoons.
2. Afghanistan is and remains a huge victory for the United States–proving the Soviets really were incompetent.
3. It makes no difference whether Osama bin Laden is alive because it was really Mullah Omar that ran everything anyway. (Or was that Mullah Omer?)
4. The Iraqi (non) government is about to solve a two-thousand-year-old feud between three factions who hate each other's guts: Kurds, Sunnis, and Shia.
5. The Iraqi government is not (very) corrupt.
6. The armed forces and police of Arab descent in Iraq are NOT card carrying members of the Taliban.
7. It's no big deal at all that four Russian Diplomats were beheaded this week–they weren't Americans, okay?
8. Oil prices are about to tumble because George Bush has discovered a way to turn air into fuel at home in your microwave.
9. Despite the 50th or so upcoming interest rate hike, there is no such thing as inflation–and Americans who mortgaged their homes on variable rates will still "make a killing" when they sell those turkeys in Podunk and move into trailer parks.
10. 70 percent of senior citizens–even though they have ZERO in savings–will still be able to live comfortable lives in government-provided tents located in the Arizona desert, close to the Petrified Forest.
11. The United States is working on a super weapon that explodes solar rays wherever they touch so that the world will have to surrender to us.
12. Finally, the biggest lie of all: Karl Rove is a political genius

I rest my case.

JEFF KOOPERSMITH is a political consultant, opinion research authority, policy analyst, and self-described "renegade lobbyist."

To join Jeff, send your particulars to joinbush@koopersmith.com

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