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Republican Party Tests Positive for Steroids
by Steve Young
Sept. 2, 2006 - Hollywood (americanpolitics.com) - For years, Democrats and their political consultants have been stymied over how the American electorate can lose complete faith in the Republican party and yet at election time - no matter a failed a the management of deadly war, high crimes or leaks that may have placed CIA agents in jeopardy - they seem to vote the same GOP back into office.
Now the Dems can take some solace in the fact that it probably wasn't their fault.
In a story that seems to have escaped the pens and microphones of the elite liberal mainstream media(tm), 90% of the Republican officials elected over the past six years have tested positive for illegal steroids.
"It wasn't so much a shock that we discovered the usage," said one researcher who asked not to be identified at DNC Laboratories, "it was that our wives weren't outed before we made the announcement."
Anabolic Diebold Steroids (ADS), artificial performance enhancers developed at Diebold Laboratories in Ohio, have been distributed in any number of applications but up until now have gone undetected or unreported by the media because, as one sarcastic researcher put it, "They're so elite and liberal.
"Up till now we've not been able to do a thorough investigation into the problem as ADS usage is difficult to track, it leaves no trace of actual votes, and it can easily be discarded before it can be tested," said Dr H. Dean of DNC Labs. "But finally, when a bunch of Republicans started getting cocky and got into a p!ssing contest, we were able to finally test their urine samples. Voilà! ADS."
The first credible evidence of ADS use came into light during the 2004 presidential election, when John Kerry seemed to walk all over a seemingly defeated George W. Bush in the presidential debates. Polls taken through the election day showed a wide lead for Democratic nominee Kerry, especially in Ohio. Yet when the ballots (not actually ballots; more like cyber votes) were "counted," Bush was declared the winner.
"We started to notice a high incidence of side effects with controversial candidates who, despite unethical and possibly criminal behavior in office, seemed to be Teflon-coated when it came election time to vote for them," said Dean.
"It could have been the Teflon itself, but more likely, the Gynecomastia Breast development...
"testicular atrophy in their supporters...
"or the male-like body hair increase in women candidates...
"... but we always traced it back to regular ADS use."
ADS delivery systems vary dependent of the venue and circumstance. In debate settings, a drip device is stored in a small box that can easily affixed to the back and hidden under a sports jacket and administers the ADS throughout the contest.
During the voting process itself, ADS is applied directly onto the voting mechanisms. For example, if it is determined that a particular district has a likely large plurality for your opponent, ADS is discharged causing breakdown or deletion in the amount of available voting machines. It has yet to be determined if this is due to a racial element in ADS itself or just one of those coincidences that happens all the time.
ADS can also be indirectly applied through campaign funds of Secretary of States who oversee election results with near undetectable or just a "C'mon, this would need a huge cover-up for this to happen" process.
Lawyers close to the ADS controversy say that while its use may have handed the Republican Party undeserved victories, steroids weren't actually illegal in politics.
"Look, politicians always taken advantage of questionable methods to get a leg up on their opponent," said presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin. "It may not have been ADS, but it was just as effective. Richard Nixon would have been president in 1960 if it weren't for CDC (Counting Dead Chicagoans), a crude hallucinatory employed by the Kennedy boys."
When presented with the findings, President Bush said that he would find out what kind of steroids were used and get a case of them to every Republican senator and congressman who are in a tight race.
Steve Young is a Senior Fellow at the Extreme Far Centrist Foundation' Political Husbandry Conservation Centre and Stereo Repair. In his spare time, he is also an author, comedy writer, columnist, LA talk show host and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful."(What? You STILL haven't bought it? Then visit http://www.greatfailure.com/) and the forthcoming "15 Minutes". You can also check out the satirical side of Steve every Sunday in the LA Daily News.
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