Instant Message from Rep. Mark Foley to Sen. Katherine Harris
as channeled by Alan Bisbort

October 4, 2006 -- Hartford (americanpolitics.com) -- Sen. Katherine Harris, arbiter of all things heterosexually and culturally correct in the state of Florida, is hopping mad at her Sunshine State colleague, the disgraced and now ex-Congressman Mark Foley.

But you wouldn't know it from her public statements in the wake of the growing Pagegate Scandal. She told WESH Channel 2 in Orlando: “If anything, the Republicans know about these issues and we’re going to be very anxious to find out who in the media and on the other side of the aisle (Democrats) knew about it and kept this from the public interest, because our children were at stake."

In response, Mr. Foley sent her the following IM:

MaF54: Hello Sunshine State Kate (lol). Thanks for covering my ass (lol), though I wish I was covering someone else's ass at the moment (lol).
No, seriously, Kate, I need your help, for I have sinned. Kate, if I am reading the memo correctly from Pat Robertson, you are allowed to hate the sin but still love the sinner. And if you do hate the sinner (meaning me, lol), then please return all of the campaign cash I funneled into your enormous chest of war (lol), ass, er, as I could use the money right now.

KateState: What are you talking about, you miserable worm!

MaF54: Oooooh, I love it when you talk to me that way. And, because we go way back, Kate, I know you want to do what's right. And the best thing you can do for me right now, in my moment of needs and your moment of need, is to ride bareback on your biggest stallion to my undisclosed location (OK, OK, it's Kiddie World in Orlando).

KateState: My moment of need? Surely you jest, you closet case.

MaF54: OK, OK, I know you're wondering why I'm trying to handcuffed you (cough, ahem) into this, citing your “need”? Hang with me, Kate, and hear me out. Think of the media spin we could get on the only news shows that matter anymore—Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, Montel, Bill O'Reilly, Katie Couric's Nighty News, Okrah (lol)—if you came to my rescue.

KateState: I'm all Mouse Ears.

MaF54: Your Senate campaign is in the tank and my entire life is in the toilet, so to speak (hmmmm, toilets, there's a thought for some other time, lol, lol).

KateState: Get to the point, you pint-sized pipsqueak.

MaF54: Ooooh, Kate. You drive me crazy, you equestrian studette! I am, saints be praised, getting hot. What are you wearing?

KateState: My usual.

MaF54: Including the rider's crop?

KateSkate: Oh yes, I never leave home without it.

MaF54: Come to me now, Kate, help guide me onto the beautiful path of raw, unprotected missionary-position-style heterosexual lovemaking. Whew! (lol <kiss> <kiss>) You can take credit for “curing” me and I can be seen in the arms of a truly, undeniably hetero hottie.

KateState: Hmmm, this may have possibilities…there's something in the Scripture about this…let me consult my campaign manager about this

MaF54: Oh goody gumdrops. I knew you'd see the light.

KateState: Ooops, almost forgot, I fired him this morning. That's the third one this week.

MaF54: No man can satisfy you the way I can (lol). Please, please consult your date book and see if you can squeeze me in this week. I feel that, with your massive forays into the heterosexual lifestyle, you might have the necessary experience in these matters to redirect my urges. Bring your rider's crop too. That will come in handy.

KateState: What, exactly, do you have in mind?

MaF54: What I have in mind, Kate, is for you to put on your tightest bodice, but leave one button—preferrably midway down, so that I can fit my Internet tube down there—open, and your nicest Easter Sunday dress with white frilly sockettes and patent leather booties, oops, shoes (lol, <kiss>).

KateState: OK, let's hear more...

MaF54: Because I am not ready to go whole hog into the heterosexuality, I would prefer that, down below, you wear boxer shorts, a pair of Speedos with some socks stuffed inside them and, oh yes, don't forget your ruler. We have a lot of geometry problems to solve. (lol, lol, lol, lol, <kiss> <kiss> ROLF, KMA, CYA, wooooooooooo!

KateState: I don't know, Markie Mark, this sounds like a job for Ann Coulter. She lives in Palm Beach. You want her number?

MaF54: She's right here beside me now.

AnnBanshee: ‘sright

KateState: Well, I never! In addition to being a pervert, you're a two-timer!

MaF54: Can I at least have a good kiss goodnight?

MaF54: Kate?

MaF54: lol

Alan Bisbort is a columnist for the Hartford Advocate. His book, "'When You Read This They Will Have Killed Me': The Life and Redemption of Caryl Chessman, Whose Execution Shook America," will be published this fall by Carroll & Graf.

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