The Party Party
The new spin Republicans are in
by Alan Bisbort

Nov. 8, 2006 -- Hartford (americanpolitics.com) -- Far be it from me to give the GOP any suggestions whatsoever, but I'm a sporting kind of fellow and they could use a helping hand right now. In that spirit, then, I humbly offer the following. It is, quite literally, the least I can do.

OK, Republicans, get your heads off the floor. What are you, the bunch of bloated worms I'm looking at right now, or the pit of vipers we know you can be? Come on, already. Take it like real men... you ladies, too...

Here's the pitch: When you have been caught red-handed, your pants down around your ankles and your, ahem, gavel jammed inside an underaged page, there's not much you can do to make that look like anything but what it is. So what if you're party was caught red-handed, cooking intelligence, stealing from the Treasury, operating a money-laundering scam from a Congressional office, running amok with pants around ankles (as noted), and so on and so forth. I could get into some names here, but the list is too long. So what? That was then, this is now. And we have bigger fish to fry: VICTORY IN 2008!

My point is that, because there is no way to "spin" such abject and complete decadence, corruption and hypocrisy, you should just GO WITH IT! That's right, in the next election—which, by the way, you should always refer to as "erection," to let them know you're a good time kind of guy—you should turn your sociopathology to your advantage. Americans aren't all a bunch of Gloomy Guses and Fuddy Duddies. We all love a good time.

First item of business: Make Ted Haggard your poster boy. DO NOT RUN FROM THIS MAN. He is a Major League Party Animal! Or what?! Wooooooo. Snorting meth and servicing other men... while also SERVING THE LORD. That's a Good Time Charley Trifecta if I've ever seen one!

Second item of Business: Your slogan for 2008 should be: "Woooooooooooo, GOP! Woooooooooo, yeah!" It's simple, it's catchy, and it immediately puts people in a party mood. If that doesn't work for you, try this slogan: "We're here, we're freer, get used to it!" And always end this or any similarly inane slogan, with energetic fist pumps and a "Wooooooooooo, GOP! Party on!"

Third item of business: Whenever any spokesperson for your party appears in public, they should be wearing a baseball cap either placed sideways on the head or with the bill in the back, like a catcher. That will distract the public, just in case your spokesperson has his pants down around his ankles. And the caps must contain the logos of those corporations and crackpot lobbies that have made your party everything it is today: Enron, Exxon, Focus on the Family, FOX News, Halliburton, the Supreme Court. Do not run from these things. They are your base. And, without your base, you are back in the dugout crawling around on your bellies like a bunch of bloated worms.

Fourth item of business: Accentuate the positive in your retrograde agenda. Maybe juxtapose some of the more contentious issues with a "good time" party item. Like, for example, tell the lapdog press, "Yes, Sean, we believe in beating our children senseless for having their shoelaces untied, but we also believe in snorting crystal meth, popping Hillbilly Heroin and making lewd remarks about loofahs to women on the phone. Wooooooooo, GOP! Party on!"

Or, "Yes, Cokie, that's right. We believe that women should not have access to birth control but we also believe that we are gonna party at one of our seven homes in Aspen to-NITE! Wooooooooooo. Bring your mistress or man-slave and let's choke the hell outta them! Wooooooooo, party on, GOP!" Or, "That's right, Brit, we believe that gays should be burned at the stake... that's a nice tie, by the way, and those tight slacks really make your ass look nice... but we also believe in popping Viagra and chasing Libby Dole through the halls of Congress, greased down like watermelons at the Fourth of July sharks and minnows contest! Wooooooo, yeah!" Or, "That's right, Timmeh, the Geneva Conventions and habeas corpus are, in our view, things of the past, but not drinking and shooting old men in the face on hunting trips! Woooo!"

See how easy it is. Now, go go on out there and give ‘em hell. That's right... just keep walking toward that cliff... don't worry about that... it's OK, just keep walking, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Alan Bisbort is a columnist for the Hartford Advocate. His book, "'When You Read This They Will Have Killed Me': The Life and Redemption of Caryl Chessman, Whose Execution Shook America" (Carroll and Graf) is being hailed as the definitive work on one of the most important figures in American jurisprudence.

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