June 3, 2009 – Geneva (apj.us) – Secretary of Treasury Tim Geitner is trying to explain to Wan Choo Yu, a lovely Chinese receptionist at the “Hoter Excrusivery Yours” in Beijing that he is not a secretary or a receptionist, but a member of Barack Obama’s cabinet.
Yu doesn’t understand, but waves him into a private elevator that will take Geitner to Chairman Mao’s old suite, where he is to be joined by his counterpart, Roh Down Yo. They are scheduled for a private lunch and off-the-record meeting in the plush dining room of the Mao Penthouse.
Yo strolls in and asks Tim, “Hey, you think we are crazy? You think we are going to ret you keep borrowing money for us when you take your own companies and ret them go into bankruptcy? You know how much I rost personally in the GM deal alone? More than 15 mirion. And you already owe us a tririon dorars!”
Geithner, appearing as he always does – simultaneously knowledgeable and perplexed – picks at his appetizer of king crab stuffed lobster tail on white asparagus covered in baby eels and caviar and replies, “Look Yo, Yu doesn’t owe you a trillion dollars – she’s just a receptionist. And you don’t have a Chinamen’s chance of understanding what goes on in the rest of the world. Geez – your largest car company is called Cherry QQ! What kind of a name is that?”
“Well, at reast Cherry QQ isn’t bankrupt, big shot, and soon we will own Humma!” snapped Yo.
Yo slurps up his “Cashmere Soup,” made of turtle eyes and honeybees poached in vodka, smacks his lips, and sighs. “Okay – so what we gonna do now Tim?”
“Answer me this”, asks Geithner. “Why would you buy that stupid ceramics company – you have some fine ceramicists here in China. I hate those Hummel figurines, they remind me of my crazy Great Aunt Hilda – they’re repulsive.”
Yo replies after sipping some hummingbird tea, “I do not know what you are talking about, Geithner. Humma is the best vehicle for China to make for herserf and for arr nations that pay only pennies for gas. The added good is that we can make war trucks rike you use in Iraq except our are going to be better!”
Geithner smiles and mumbles, “I must have missed something. Anyway, we need to borrow another trillion or so for, let’s say, 20 or 30 years at 1.4% simple interest – or else we won’t be buying any 'frip-frops' from you for a long, long time,” snickered Geithner
Yo laughs while covering his mouth with an ivory fan he pulls from his sleeve. “I ruv it when you say 'frip-frop.' You ass-hore! Hahahahaaa!”
The two of them high five each other and dig into their “Explosive Peking Duck,” made with force-fed ducklings who eat nothing but raw Kobe beef, prunes, and anchovies.
Yo looks at Geithner squintingly (as only a Hollywood private eye can do) and whispers, “Okay Jack, you got your dough – now when I am gonna get my weekend with Croris Reachman?”
“Cloris Leachman? Are you nuts? I don’t even know if she’s still alive.”
“I don’t care. Either way is fine with me. I have interesting and unusuar tastes.”
“Ok, Yo, you got it – how about July 4th weekend? Maybe at Camp David?”
“Sounds like a pran.”
Yo grabs a toothpick, and like the gentleman he is, hides his dental spelunking on some pretty gnarly teeth behind his other hand.
Geithner starts to retch.
“Come on Tim – you know the score. Now how many Caddirac rimos can you get me by next week?”
Jeff Koopersmith is an internationally renowned political consultant, opinion research authority and policy analyst. He has lobbied for causes including the alternative fuel sector and women's health, and is an expert on the international real estate market. He lives in Philadelphia, Washington and Geneva.